There are Two Kinds of People in the World...

My heart lightened a bit when I saw the big white truck in front of the gym. The prophesy according to JROCK was being fulfilled.

I strolled into the gym and there he stood majestically astride an elliptical while The Ecstasy of Gold blared through my earbuds.

Ironman!!!

Is this the beginning of the big Ironman reunion tour? Can't say, but I hope so. I humped out 35mins on the bike, bored and oddly cranky. awesomeGirl gave me a big grinned howdy and ponyTail managed to get a real smile out of me so things improved on the stormy front of my psyche. goodMood was doing his px90000000 routine and all in all it was good but kinda quiet.

I think we were all worried about scaring off Ironman with loud noises and sudden movements.

Bubbles shows up with a new (to me anyway, it's been awhile since I've seen her) flapper haircut that manages to make her even cuter and life goes on while I ponder the wisdom of Sergio Leone...



mmhmm, "There are two kinds of people in the world, those with loaded guns, and those who dig. You dig." - Clint Eastwood

Initiate? Maybe.

I did 25min on the spinner, burning off a remarkable 264 calories while trying to ease myself back into 4am wake up calls and whatnot. Today's wake up call came at 5:36am bleating out it's electronic cockle-doodle-do while I'm blindly groping various buttons trying to get the dang thing to shut up.

So I sullenly spun singing along with Madagascar, "I hate to move it, move it."

My son turned 16 on Sunday and there's something way cool about that. I hope he had a great birthday.

I have a lot to do before Thanksgiving so I leave you with this moment of zen.

Lying Machines and Lying Lies They Tell You

Well I'm not sure if it was the fourth medicine that I'm on for all this madness but I actually think that I got a full nights sleep. I woke up, walked the evil that is Layla, came here to work and got tired.

Not out of the woods yet.

Though I tempt fate by writing this I have to consider that my wife (who I've driven dangerously insane) may have a point about calling in a sick day and just resting. Nah, that's just crazy talk.

Glancing at my email I note that my blackouts must be getting worse:

As you begin the third month of your online journey to a healthier you, we’d like to tell you about the importance of logging your food and exercise every day. Also, by doing so, you may be eligible to earn points for my company's quarterly raffle drawing!

You don't say. Apparently I've been on a three month journey to a healthier me. Judging by these last two weeks I'm wondering how that's going. I read further trying to ferret out the importance of logging my food and exercise everyday, since I've unsuccessfully tried this four different times with four different apps (I'm currently not using myfitnesspal which has an app and a website for you to record this stuff, this is about as easy as it gets and it's still a pain in the butt).

The food and exercise logs in the Health Connections portal offer an easy way to keep track of the calories you consume and the calories you burn each day. Also, use the food log to determine how to substitute healthier choices into your daily food choices. Logging what you eat and how much you exercise every day will provide you with a complete picture of your daily calorie allotment and keep you on track.

Yes, yes. Eat fewer calories than you burn and you'll drop weight. Here's what happened to me, I found myself in lunch lines and what not trying to figure out how many calories were in whatever I was looking at. After awhile I just became uh dour, face all scrounged up staring at dish this and that trying to find the corresponding food in some calorie database for whatever program I was currently using and getting inventive with that (so they don't have Madam Sows Stir Fried Chicken with Secret Sauce but they have a Wendys Fried Chicken Sandwich - good enough! if you don't want to spend an eternity entering the individual components by hand increasing your autism) before considering a bowl of grapes over a bowl of ice cream and opting for the ice cream (but I did feel guilty about it).

I lack the desire and discipline for this sort of stuff and I get cranky at the idea that I spent an hour on some spinner in the gym and can not have the ice cream and lose weight. Can I spend an hour on the spinner, have the ice cream and maintain weight?

No.

Why?

Here's why my dumplings, everyone and their brother bitches about high calories in Starbucks coffee but not about the fact that those fancy exercise machines we use are seriously lying about the number of calories you burned during your little workout.

Honestly, do you think you burned 300 calories on that thirty minute elliptical, spinner, whatever machine you pick workout?

REALLY?!

Well if you decide to believe the machines and then enter some calorie counting program where you're subtracting the calories you burned in the gym based off what the machine told you and hitting your maximum number of calories for the day you will gain weight Porky. I guarantee it.

My advice, which is worth NOTHING, is this. Do the calorie thing if you want to - it's the only way to lose weight but do NOT subtract the calories you cooked off at the gym. And that is hard to do because you worked out gosh darn it. If you're not experiencing a certain level of discomfort (misery) while dieting, you're doing it wrong.

How bad do you want it? Your call.

Filled with Antibiotic Goodness

I'm so pumped full of antibiotics, Aleve and at least four other medications that I'm hoping the weird brew inside my blood stream will actually allow me to... evolve. But I doubt it - I mostly feel queezy.

I'm hoping to start feeling well enough to get back to the gym soon. These antibiotics will run for ten days and right now my sleep is so erratic that I'm driving my wife nuts. This sinus infection (which started this whole mess) is fighting for life. I'm thinking 'no' on that score but I guess we'll see in another five or six days huh?

Sick

Oh how the mighty have fallen... Last year when I was binging on this exercise thing I didn't get sick once - now I'm battling this sinus infection, getting little rest, constantly fatigued and having fun side effects with various other medications that I really don't feel like discussing with you but left me shivering like a junkie under covers and a blanket with a winter coat on and a sweater, etc teeth clenched until my jaw ached for around an hour. This was, of course, after the initial side effect of feeling like I'm in anaphylactic shock. This 'side effect' happens sporadically and the drug manufactures don't know why.

Good times, good times.

Anyway I had a miserable weekend and hope yours was better unless I hate you for some reason.

So I'm seeing one battery of docs on Tuesday and trying to get a hold of another set today to put an antibiotic bullet into this sinus infections.

In short I wasn't at the gym today and don't plan to be until I get a grip on this.

Across the USA

Note to self need to bring in cable for the Garmin...

When I get into the gym I see goodMood on a spinner, so he wasn't kidding about 'sharing' this experience unlike that pantywaist ponyTail. But I guess ponyTail is a pantywaist by definition since she's a girl and all and so is permitted to wear these types of undies without any derogatory comments from the peanut gallery. Whereas if I was to wear them it would be considered odd. I mean why to chicks get to wear pants but the second some dude slides on a sundress out come the pitchforks, feathers and tar?

SIGH

Why did you bring this up? This has nothing to do with the fact that I had two hours sleep last night from HELL COLD courtesy of my daughter and I decided to man up and do this stupid thing with goodMood this morning.

People are going to be forming pools during meetings on exactly when Bill nods off during one today and this gosh darned pod lifestyle I've embraced doesn't lend itself well to napping when you have SIX podmates staring at you when it starts to happen.

So myPeg, goodMood, awesomeGirl (? maybe if so we didn't speak) and others were there. I nod at goodMood, climb on the stairclimber hammer out 20mins on that with that abomination of a workout Bubbles/Diablo (one of those fiends) developed. Stagger off that, wipe it down and hop onto a Spinner next to J-TOSRV and do some 20min interval routine on that, lurch off that, wipe it down and sway over to the elliptical for 20mins on that before reeling for the showers and blessed Aleve. 1:14 mins with my HR at 83% - yes I am an idiot. As I hammer this out before my first nap meeting I'm uh feeeellllliinnnggggg it.

What was it like? It was like this...

So I put my earbuds in

Start playing my songs,

And the butterflys fly away

Noddin' my head like yeah

Moving my hips like yeah,

And I got my head down,

Hammering along

Knowing I'll ralph today

Yeah, It's cardio in the USA

Yeah, It's cardio in the USA

That's pretty much what it's like.

Slow Time

I'm nervous about Friday having shot my big fat mouth off on Tuesday. I had casually asked goodMood if he was feeling up to doing an Around the World with me on Friday.

"What's that?"

20 minute Bubbles routine on the stairclimber, 20 minute intervals (one hard, two rest) on the spinner, 20 minutes on the elliptical. I'm thinking of throwing in 15 minutes of cool down on the treadmill but that might depend on time.

Always a big help ponyTail tosses out there, "What about the rower and that new arm spinny thing they got?" It's a constant relief to me knowing she has my back.

So OK maybe its more Across the USA than Around the World but I'm excluding the rower and the spinny thing for the moment.

goodMood's gonna do it and starts muttering about adjusting arrival times for Friday. ponyTail mentions with a HUGE smile that sadly she has the kids on Friday and so cannot partake.

mmhmm

I had a rough night last night making the discovery that I'm a mouth breather, waking up at 2am in the arid air with God's gift to cotton mouths and an incredible sore throat. I grab the water bottle, take a swig and can barely swallow it. The sore throat appears to be due to the dry air but um no fun.

We (my son and I) had an interesting introduction to the great outdoors over the weekend. In July we're going to Philmont, a Boy Scout high adventure area where you stomp all over New Mexico for ten days with just a backpack. This isn't the typical 'camp from the car' type of endeavor. So we started purchasing equipment, like boots and sleeping bags and other things but the boots and bags were the big ticket items.

deerHunter has been kind enough to lend us some backpacks (the third of the wallet busters) and I'm grateful for that. I'm not 100% sure I'm gonna take him up on his offer because I would feel awful if they got damaged. We'll see.

One thing I noticed going through all the crap we bought was the marketing angle of how 'green' every product is. Speaking for myself I'm far more interested in how well engineered this stuff is. My boots are made from coconuts (a unique cocona technology which uses the fibers of coconuts inside the boot's fabrics for pore structure to be the best (and most natural) moisture-absorbent shoe out there). I'm all about moisture absorbency coupled with the boot's eVENT lining system allowing my feet to breathe and probably setting up interesting weather patterns in the boot when combined with the cocona technology.

See? It all gets weird when one finds them self suddenly 'in it.' They're boots, bikes, guitars until you begin babbling about this technical stuff. I just don't want feet problems when dragging my stinky butt over New Mexico with two shirts and no prayer of a shower for ten days.

Just Another Moody Monday

I nod at ponyTail on my way into the locker room. Back on the bike, not sure if I can save myself anymore but I'm feeling like going down swinging as opposed to just giving up. Who cares? I'm in free association mode, doing what I do best and letting my mind... wander.

I feel kinda sad. Where's the enthusiasm of a year ago? I've effectively not worked out for over a week and I'm already tired, lethargic, unmotivated, sorta like I figure Obama feels about his presidency. I'm cranky and introspective as I plop down on the spinner jamming the earbuds in and dialing in Emenem. I do thirty-five on the bike and then do some crunches before heading off to face the stupid scales and get a read on how far I have fallen.

Diablo calls out as I walk past his office, "You back?" I stare blearily at him and give an honest answer, "I don't know."

Up another pound.

Super.

Polish Cowboy 1945-2010

He was a hard drinking, family loving, card dealing, fishing fool of a man. Yesterday he lost his battle with cancer ripping a hole in my wife's heart. I can't give you the full measure of the man but I can give you snapshots...

Sitting across from him trying not to wilt under his stare as he idly, expertly worked a fishing reel in his hands that I had brought him, making up his mind on how this was goinna go. I'm there to marry his daughter and like all fathers he's not too keen on the idea but he also has to deal with the fact that I'm about to take her half a world away. I've tried to make sure to live up to his and more importantly my wife's expectations on that particular gift.

Realizing that he understood far more English than he let on.

His love of cards, particularly Bridge and the casual way he could calculate odds and skillfully play to them.

His ability on that red clay in Poland to repeatedly hand me my ass in tennis, and chess.

Listening to the screen door slam shut at the cottage at six or so in the morning as he headed to the lake to fish, shortly followed by my five year old son's pounding down the stairs to join him.

Observing during his visits to the US his utter lack of fear, just getting up for his morning walk and going out into an alien environment to see it. So what if he can't converse? This was one of the greater lessons he gave me. Receiving a phone call from him when he had to drive my car into a pile of gravel because the brakes failed, asking him where he was and hearing, "I don't know."

His love of westerns and desire for a cowboy hat. After he got sick we scrambled to get him one and his happiness at receiving it. Wearing it at "The Ranch" what they call their cottage in Poland.

Trying to convince severely hungover me to drink a bit more vodka the morning after I got way too drunk at my brother in law's wedding to take the edge off. That didn't happen.

When it came to fishing, the man could pull a seven pound striped bass from a glass of water.

His smile, laugh, love of life, love of people. He was a Polish cowboy and like a cowboy he went down swinging. His name was Wincenty Boguslaw Strukiel but we called him Dziadek Bo (Grandpa Bo).

I love you Dziadek Bo, go with God.

Wednesday? Really??!!

Rough night for the wife and I in the sleep department. Every now and then my wife's mind seems to spin out of control on her and she can't put those swirling, nagging thoughts to bed. I'm not as well wired, for me it was the gosh darned smoke detector. I'm giving serious thought to the redneck detector pictured.

I would love to meet the engineer who designed these things so that when their battery goes starts to go low at 2am let's incessantly chirp about it like a hungry bird, and our silly smoke detectors are hooked up to house power. There HAS to be some moronic federal law behind that one, so I'll rephrase, I'd love to meet the engineer and legislator who came up with that one just so I could get in two clean punches. You know, maybe start your chirping if I lose power to the house, otherwise SHUT IT!

So I'm stumbling around at some ungodly hour of the morning with a ladder fighting the temptation to rip the stoopid detector from the ceiling (knowing I'll regret that tactic in the morning light) and making a mental note that yesterday's lunges are not for me if the sharp pain in my knee has anything to say about it. I kill the detector by ripping its near dead battery from it and crawl back into bed. SHEESH!

This morning in the gym I threw my body a minor curve and worked out on the elliptical. I ended up doing around 35-40min on it, it's hard to say because I kept working on my karma while bopping around on that thing. I defend myself against Kingsley's unnatural love for rave music with an iPod and earbuds. Others are not so lucky and since there's an unspoken convention that whoever gets there first can dial in the tunes then one must wait until the dialer leaves before changing channels (or ask maybe, thought I've never seen this done). goodMood has trapped himself on his beloved StairClimber when Kingsley heads for the lockers so I hop off the elliptical, race down the hall and dial in something more customary for early morn and manage to make it back before the elliptical resets. I wasn't so lucky with AT Everest's battle getting her seat right for chest presses. Whatev, as punishment I added 10mins to the workout.

Now I'm struggling with the concept that it's Wednesday already. Really?! Who hit fast forward and can I have the remote please?

Demons: 19,349 - Bill: 3!

I'd have to say my inner demons got the upper hand yesterday in our endless daily struggle. So lets-see it's currently demons: 19,349 - Bill: 3. Perhaps appeasement is the answer, history shows it's worked so many times before. Just nuzzle those little demons close, coo understanding and maybe today will be better. Maybe they wont frolic in Bill's libido and wail on his hunger for crappy food pleasure center. ::rolls eyes::

It's early and I'm in my pod after pushing metal in the gym for a bit. I'm trying a different approach to this exercise thing going full circle with one day cardio, one day lifting, I was watching awesomeGirl doing unnatural things with a medicine ball and inwardly smiling, "Oh yeah, I remember that!". We'll see how that flies. My arms are sore which makes me grin. My dad tells me after vision, hair, hearing and abdominal muscles, strength is the first to go. Well we'll just see about that!

Time to focus...

Another Lost Weekend

My eyes snap open intermittently, glaring distrustfully at the alarm clock. I'm certain I'm going to oversleep.

2:30am... doze... 3:12am... doze

At 4:07 sighing I turn the thing off before it can buzz my wife into annoyance and cotton mouthed stumble into the bathroom. Turning on the water I notice my sticky, crusty hands, covered in... cookie dough!

Oh God! Another lost weekend.

Meanwhile Bubbles is polishing off a half marathon and goFast is chewing up some cyclocross course (congrats!) while others decline or is it torpidly recline into somnolence? Yeah, that's it.

In the gym pushing pedals, sweating, hating it. goodMood, awesomeGirl, easyRider, AT Everest and Diablo there like scifi apparitions, almost in phase, almost real or is it me that's out of phase? Hanging my head my mind turns to ironMan. Where is he? I hope he's well.

I've had better starts to a work week.

pod, gang and I'm in bleed mode

I feel like I'm morphin... even if I'm not I'm definitely listening to Recovery too much. I sit in my pod, headphones on watching evolution at play like a silent movie. Altering interactions, changing work habits, new relationships, endless new pod designs, change. Change? This place has culturally been staid but now areas of it are getting rowdy and I'm part of it. I like that for some reason, normally I'm in the second wave. Now I'm storming the beaches of 'something new' after the 'test pod' established a toe-hold.

Originally there were worries about too much noise and visual distraction. Now some original pod walls (or "partitions" in our vernacular) are actually being reduced to increase communication between pods. All of this is happening by the poddies, they're just doing it. Transforming their work space into their workspace.

So the visionaries were right about that occurring, now all we have to do is prove the second part, the important part.

Increased productivity.

I think the visionaries are going to be insufferably smug, I'll deal with their smugness later. Increased productivity? Yep, that's gonna happen.

Naturally there are haters, convinced pods are stupid, wont work, preferring a coffin cubical existence, while others show signs of being "pod curious." I don't know what will happen with them, I have a team to work with now. Actually I have TWO, honestly, how cool is that?

We're not even a week in on this. I can't speak for all (every time I try speaking for everybody they shove a binkie in my mouth or show me something shiny) but the most common response I got when I asked a poddie how their pod was going was, "It's not as bad as I thought it was going to be" with a surprised look on their face. That was two or three days in; I'll ask again in a few weeks. Some of those were convinced it would not work for them. Speaking for myself, at this moment in time, it's in my blood now. Pod boy, poddie, believer, psycho nut-job, however you want to define me as long as it equates to "all in." I bought the ticket, I'll take the ride.

I leap on top of a partition wall to get a better view of the city, glaring over the first wave of pods beached like troop transports at Normandy...

pod, gang and I'm in bleed mode

Conversion Rate

Day... I'm no longer sure - it seems like I've always been a poddie. We tend to stick in our pod now cuz the people outside our pod are well... peculiar, talk weird and look at us funny. When venturing outside the pod we tend to move in packs for safety. Occasionally some tour guide will come through leading a horde of tourists snapping pictures of us phreaks. We ignore them.

It's an interesting feeling entering a hostile pod and every pod that isn't our pod is hostile. I accidentally strolled into the ND pod yesterday. Angry eyes glare up at you, their faces mirroring each others with this, "I was THIS CLOSE to developing universal authentication until you strolled in you nimrod! WHAT DO YOU WANT OUTSIDER?!" Breaking eye contact I flee their pod.

I noticed yesterday when I was in someone's coffin cubicle how claustrophobic it was. How do they stand being alone, isolated, secluded? Where's their safety in the pack when the killing starts? Poor bastards.

Epiphanies abound as the pod conversion rate accelerates.

We're a virtuous pod, irreproachable and because of that we've started dressing like Hit-Girl from the movie Kick Ass. Our purple wigs making us easily identifiable to one another when outside the pod in that churning mass known as humanity.

A Recent Photo of Bill in a Righteous Design Discussion

The Pods Day Three

It's interesting watching folk adjust to the new pod lifestyle. Me, I'm indifferent honest about the whole thing.

No... that's not accurate - I'm actually digging it. It feels like... college and more inclusive though I find that word a bit overused in the PC sense. I'll role with it.

Currently my only complaint is I need a nose picking screen. I've filed a request with the office folk so rest easy fellow pod mates.

I did another thirty-five mins on the spinner today.

Ponder this wisdom and see ya tomorrow. Things are quiet, perhaps too quiet...

Monstrosities

Sorry about yesterday, it got away from me with all the discoveries I made and whatnot. Like what a 'pod' is - it's all very distracting.

The weekend was interesting. I went to my son's band competition (one of many - he's a member of a very good marching band) and watched this one band with this Wednesday Adams chick playing a violin in this weird danse macabre thing. At one point Memory from Cats flows out in a lonely tremolo from her violin and I got a bit misty. There's something about that song that does that to me. Then the drummers come marching across the field and begin spazzing like demented epileptic skeletons. As they march off the field I hear their my old high school! It explains soooo much! A few bands later my son's band comes out and hands them and everyone else there their butts.

Incessant training - truly it shows.

Then, unreasonably wired I head home and get sucked into this GAWD AWFUL SyFi channel movie (?). Movie might be too strong of a word but let's stick with it. It was called Monster Ark and had one of the most interesting subplots of all time. Check it out. There's this middle aged Indiana Jones wannabe who's divorced from his middle aged genius ancient languages expert wife because he had an affair with one of his students.

Except he didn't have an affair. Turns out the accuser had psychological problems and made it up, and his ex-wife knows this.

So... he got divorced for... not having an affair?!

Um, OK, so this dude's a bit of a wussy. Apparently Noah built two arks, shoving the ultimate evil into one because God couldn't get rid of it... HUH? Anyway Indiana Jones Panty Waist is the only one who can dispatch the ultimate evil using Noah's staff of ultimate goodness but first he must believe in God! But he's a devout athiest!

GASP!

You better get believin' wimpy boy and get that staff aglowin' so that we can smooch and save humanity... NOW you conflicted wussy!

I'm starting to lose interest due to the fact that Indiana Jones Panty Waist and Bitter, Faith In God Wife won't SHUT UP about how disappointed they are in each other over the affair that never happened. This endless bickering cuts significantly into Hottie Brunette's screen time.

Hi! I'm the hot brunette cast to keep all you boys interested enough to keep watching this dreck in the vain hope there will be a nude scene or at least an underwear one. Not gonna happen! I'm a tease ::giggle::

I flip over to MTV to see if Snooki might have written this masterpiece. Nope but I get back in time for the exciting climax where Wussy Man decides that maybe it's in the best interest of humanity if he believes in God since his ex is nagging him about it and maybe this will shut her up. Noah's rod starts glowing, the ultimate evil snarls, wimpy boi shoves him in a wooden box using the glowing staff of righteousness, some Arabian looking dude slams the lid shut and the crate is hauled off by a chopper. The reunited middle aged couple kiss and I assume the credits role but I was in the bathroom vomiting by that time.

 

I'm the Ultimate Evil. BOO!!!!!

Next was Monster Wolf but it didn't hold a candle to this, though it did have its moments.

Yesterday I went to the gym, did thirty-five minutes on the spinner and put on weight. Sigh. I know what the problem is, it's diet but I'm still stuck on stage 14 of denial, sticking one's fingers in one's ears and singing, "la-la-la-la" real loud.

I then ran over to work to see my new office pod!

Old, tired office cubicle

New, improved pod

Alternate view with ready access to pod minions!

Is this cool or what?! I'm a little bitter over the fact that my direct reports chose to sit as far as possible from me but I'm getting over it... sorta. I've spent 25 years in a cubicle, let's give this a try, after all what are we, old ladies?

Wheezy

I had gym goals for today and did 2/3rds of them Stomp, stomp, stomping up that God awful stairclimber on that nightmarish 20min workout followed by 25mins on the spinner before ponyTail came in (thank God!) being her usual too darned cute for her own good. She starts doing what appears to be a Bubbles floor workout with all these weird stretches and whatnot. I've been off the Bubbles' reservation for probably too long and hopefully will find my way back one day but til then...

Do the final 20min on the elliptical?

Shoot the breeze with ponyTail?

Do the math.

So I'm still all sweaty and wheezy from the workout (been too long since I've done serious cardio) staggering around when awesomeGirl starts signaling me that I should help thirty pound AT Everest before she throws her back out trying to lift a seat on the bench press machine. I shake my head "No" causing awesomeGirl to glare at me with this, "Don't MAKE ME come off this treadmill mister" look on her face. Yeah, cuz if she came of the treadmill she could help AT herself.

I merely think this since I'm terrified of awesomeGirl. Figuring anything would help my karma, I help AT Everest before shooting the breeze with ponyTail. goodMood was there but he's always there since he's a MAN, unlike me. Also he keeps his priorities straight, knowing that all the crap at work can wait an additional hour while he takes care of himself.

The office move has started and there are all these dudes in hazmat suits moving stuff around. It's all very mysterious and there are whispers of 'pod people' whatever the heck that means. Some folk gaze tragically at me, tears welling in their eyes before averting their gaze. When I ask why they just shake their head and run off.

Weird.

Grainy office move pic taken before being 'moved along, nothing to see here' folk

Packing to Move

I can feeeellll it... the change... it's starting... it's... irreversible. Was it something "they" put in the water? The 'white noise' filled with subliminals? By Monday the transformation will be complete. In the meantime management informs me that for the transformation to be complete I have to pack so they can transform me and no making one of my minions do it this time.

I've been getting all sorts of ominous emails with titles like, "Your Office Moves THIS WEEK!!!" along with "Need the Cheapest Viagra?" The cheapest? uh, no, the 'workiest' might be fun though and "Sarah Palin Wants to Meet You."

...

SARAH PALIN WANTS TO MEET ME???!!!! OMG OMG OMG ::frantically fans face:: I guess that time I had my cousin put my boxers with my name and email written with a sharpie on the waistband (I lose my boxers A LOT) in Palin's mailbox when she was on some let's look at whales and ponder the wonder of nature tour in Alaska paid off! Lemme see... OK she wants to meet in either Anaheim, CA, on Saturday, October 16th or Orlando, FL, on Saturday, October 23rd. She's a busy girl but it's nice of her to let me pick the coast, she's so thoughtful! I also have the unique opportunity to attend a special reception with her at either location. "Special reception" I bet that's some sort of code... I'm glad my wife doesn't read this blog... I hope Sarah ("Special" people such as myself are allowed to be somewhat less formal) will read The Federalist Papers in a sexy voice or something way cool like that!

WHAT minion?! Can't you see I'm working?! I'm writing a very important email about... uh... getting my job title changed to “Transparency-Enhancement Facilitator.” Yes, yes I know I have to be packed by 3pm today but the work of the Transparency-Enhancement Facilitator is never done is it? What is that thing? OK, so it's not a pod. Management wants me to pack it and put it under my desk after I'm moved on Monday and sit next to it until I get all sleepy and nod off?

FINE!

Sheesh management is weird!

Pack this Bill, it's not a pod!

All Work and No Play...

I got nuttin for today. I'm at work which is swamping me at the moment. I need to get back to the gym but probably not the rest of this week.

Futility...

The news from goFast stunned me:

Turns out that riding your bike only 11 times since June 1 is not a good training program for cyclocross. Just sayin.

It's posted on facebook so it must be true. Darn it! I immediately reply back:

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! You mean all this 'visualizing' CRAP they've been spewing in the literature is just a pack of lies? I've been visualizing me riding my bike and losing weight like no tomorrow - and NOW I'm hearing I'm going to actually have to do it??!! - SHEESH!

Oh Well a Touch of Gray...

I'm trying for the 12,849,385,874,332nd time to get back on track and be all that I can be in the gym after another 'lost' weekend. So I'm hammering out 45mins on a spinner and pondering the following conversation I overheard, which wasn't too hard since they were standing in front of me and didn't care.

I never lent much credence to the phrase "visibly graying" until standing next to two sixteen year old girls and one of their moms. One of the girls was arguing with her mom. Apparently this has been a running family debate.

"I know when I get my car I'm driving everywhere, even to your house Melanie although you live next door."

Melanie continues her love affair with her cell phone, while mom mutters something that sets her daughter off.

"Well Beth is driving a BMW 328i, why shouldn't I?"

(Bill feels his hair going grayer)

Mom mutters something causing PrincessSpoilyPanties to fire back at her idiot mother, "I know she's a senior mom but she got the car when she was sixteen!"

(I'm starting to age at an alarming rate now... Senior? What's that have to do with what car one gets? Figuring I should ask Melanie for her cell number so I can text her what a horses ass PrincessSpoilyPanties is, I try not listening).

PrincessSpoilyPanties dials up the volume in her righteous rage, "And anyway Jeff is driving a Mercedes convertible! What do you think about that? Huh? Huh??!!"

My mind drifts thankfully, wondering if I'll ever have a similar conversation with my kids. I kind of doubt it. I don't wish PrincessSpoilyPanties well on her quest for a new car but maybe BMW 328i's are chickenfeed to her folk. Who knows?

One other thing, can anyone tell me where anywhere but San Francisco that a transgender sex shop exec could be labeled 'Conservative'??? ::rolls eyes::

Dysfunctional Fetishistic Facebookoplagia

OK I stumbled across this article for all your poor bastards who just can't help yourselves with your pathetic facebook addiction, unlike me. You can thank me by sending cash to my Cayman account.

It's a riveting article, not that I read it. I have a life and don't need some nanny lecturing me about, "While there is currently no such thing as a medically blessed diagnosable 'Facebook addiction' or 'Facebook addiction disorder' that a health or medical professional could categorically state you're suffering from, addictive behaviors have common threads that can lead to dysfunctional socializing and obsessive behaviors." Because God knows if "they" do come up with something diagnosable I'll never hear the end of it from our beloved press; facebook treatment centers will be springing up all over the place like methadone clinics and I'll watch my taxes inch even higher.

So get a grip gosh darn it before dysfunctional fetishistic facebookoplagia (oh dear Lord I just named it!) engulfs us all and we didn't even know we had it until some asocial maladroit started whining about not having enough friends so we all suck and have a problem.

The only thing I found mildly interesting about the article I didn't read was the following pic:

What on God's green earth is she looking at???!!! And if the dude is suffering from dysfunctional fetishistic facebookoplagia (I'm assuming he's the one with the problem it looks like the girl has other issues) he looks pretty happy about it.

Waning Gibbous

Waning Gibbous? Who comes up with these words? It sounds vaguely dirty or maybe that's just where my head's at (I can hear ponyTail screaming, "TMI! TMIIIII!!!!").

I'm at work and will shortly be working. I've dawdled enough and am now facing unavoidable deadlines, you know the ones with repercussions ::shudders::

IronMan has opted for a new look and a little help on the stairclimber. I can't wait to see him doing push-ups in the gym in this getup!

Which is Worse, Exercise or Vegitables?

This little lady pretty much summed up my feelings about working out as I got on the spinner this morning (thanks to Pattie for calling this to my attention).



So I'm just spinning at the moment waiting to see what happens next.

Autumn Cottage Work Detail

All through the night I drove, periodically spelled by my dad and we got to the cottage around 2am Friday morning after hearing some sob story from some dude named "Kevin Wiggens" at a BP in West Virginia. The guy was vaguely threatening with his buddy in a pickup spilling some tale about an uncle injured in a logging accident and Kevin's need to get to him but he needs gas money. Kevin was drunk. I paid $10 just to make him go away and stewed about it for the rest of the drive. We went to bed and when I woke up I was greeted with this view of the lake.

I'm sipping my coffee on the front porch, relaxed. It's so peaceful... tranquil...

WHERE'S MY #$@!!%%&@!!! DOCK???!!!

This sends me and my dad on a dreadful walk down the hill. I'm figuring it's blown into the cove (or worse into the lake) and it's going to be some major job getting the stupid thing back to where it's suppose to be. Neither dad nor I brought swim suits. I'm making my peace with living a dock-less existence when...

Hmmmm, so the lake is a tad low, hiding the dock below the line of sight and the dock needs repair. Naturally I didn't think to bring a circular saw - GROAN. Oh well something to do in the spring.

Low Lake, Forlorn Dock

We have no TV so we break out the tractors and start to work on mowing my sister's lot where dad amused himself by lapping me with the zero turn while I lumbered around on a regular mowing tractor.

Getting Lapped, Again!

Once we wrapped that up we went to Skipper's, the best barbecue place in Henderson.

Interior of Skipper's

The waitress walking towards me is Crystal and I confess to falling in love with her a little after the flash went off and she looked up, grinned ear to ear and drawled out, "Chueeeeeessssee," slaying me with that Southern drawl. Wish I would have caught her grin in the pic. She took our order (I had Brunswick stew, barbecue, black eyed peas, green peas and sweet tea, I can't recall what dad got except for the stew). I got so enamored with Crystal that I bought her t-shirt. Well not her t-shirt, I mean I doubt if she'd sell it to me even if I'd ask, probably figuring me for some sort of phreak - I mean what would she wear then her bra? At work?! That would be weird. I bought a shirt like hers... yeah. Enough about the darned shirt already and stop looking at me like that!

After that we headed back to the cottage and napped. I woke up on the couch and careful not to wake dad dozing upstairs I snuck out into the heat and mowed some more. As I was coming around the shed where we keep the tractors I got to watch the wind catch the large door just right and rip two of its three hinges off since the ground was so hard from lack of rain that we couldn't properly secure it open. Filled with despair I hop off the zero turn and wrestle the door closed so the wind can't damage it further.

Great. Now I have to go to Lowes and deal with their incredibly unmotivated staff and get some hinges, bolts and a drill bit to punch through metal to replace these goofy things. I'm just glad dad brought a drill.

WHERE IS THE #$@!!%%&@!!! CAR??!!

Oh, I see. While I was in dreamland my father snuck off to play Scrabble in our only means of transportation so I guess the door is gonna wait. I thought he was waiting for Aunt Betty (Aunt by marriage) to show up so they could go over to Nat's together.

Scrabble Playing Fools

But Scrabble is it's own addiction and one must not get between the addict and his opponent. Dad's already been under enormous strain having no Fox News for the last eighteen or so hours so I "get it."

I plop down on a couch and continue reading Black Hills which hasn't really gripped me yet. About ten minutes later Betty shows up and I'm in her car getting what I need for the goofy door. I decide not only to get the hinges but a pair of serious loppers because dad complains about how crappy the ones we have down here are.

I'm standing in line joking with the cash register dude about something when this other dude chimes in behind me joining the fun. This dude is a true Hendersonian and his accent lends credence to that. I've only discovered this particular dialect of 'Southern' in Henderson (pronounced Henneson by the natives, and it's CAR lake not Kerr lake you yankee!) but if you were to attempt a North Carolinian accent (as opposed to a Texas one - my name is Beel down there) after ripping most of your teeth out and numbing your lips and tongue with Novocain you'd get an idea of what this mush mouth dialect sounds like.

I'm making out an occasional word from this guy, "Mumble gnash mumble garble ceramic tile mutter mumble garble..." when this other dude behind him starts laughing at the joke this guy was telling! I felt like I was in Poland, comprehending nothing and merely grinned like an idiot, payed for my stuff and left.

When I got back my dad was there and he and Betty pulled up some chairs, proceeded to get hammered and watched me work on the door.

I'd occasionally annoy dad by asking him to hold some socket wrench while I screwed in the bolt from the other side. Since there were six bolts per hinge and a fair amount of beer involved it took some time getting the right bolt selected ("Noooo, the middle bolt on YOUR right side as you face the door...").

When I was done it looked like this, see my shiny brass hinges? Then we had supper which looked like this (see Bubbles, I was a good boy)! Betty is an awesome cook by the way.

Chicken Pot Pie, fruit salad, regular salad

Sunset

The next morning we tackled the following chores before heading over to Nat's for dinner (lunch, they call lunch "dinner" down here to confuse you).

Next we worked on the sign to to cottage, mine being a modest black arrow that was the original sign when my Uncle B owned the joint, carved from a tobacco stick. I refurbished it, put waaayyyy too much polyurethane on it and now it's peeling like a bad sunburn.

We spruced it up by adding a blue bird house.

Off to Nat's for supper and more Scrabble

Biscuits not shown...

Then back to the cottage and cleaning out the Martin houses and adding some new gourds.

Fancy New Gourds Should Bring the Martins in Droves!

And that was pretty much it. I had a great time with my dad and seeing my relatives and getting the cottage prepped for winter. Thanks to Betty for coming up to help and hanging with us! It was a perfect long weekend.

I love this sign at the cottage... should keep the villains at bay huh?

Sigh

So my son is telling alllll about the fourth dimension which looks sorta like this...if the animation works when I post it anyway. If it doesn't you can peep it out on WikiPedia.

That picture pretty much sums up my current state of mind. I'm a mess. Whatev. I did manage to hump a spinner for thirty five minutes this morning and that endorphin buzz sharply ended at 9:00am. Now I'm scrambling.

Hope your day is going better!!!

Heavy Dues Shall Be Paid... Count On It

Save me Bike Snob, save me!!!

::twiddles thumbs while waiting for inevitable Bike Snob saving::

::glances at the Bike Snob::

Snobby?

...

FINE! So Bill the pinhead decided it would be oh-so-fine to stay up late for no good reason whatsoever and is now paying heavy karmic dues. I had high hopes of actually working out... yesterday but this morning after swilling coffee and stumbling around with the dog outside and finding that I had to return two DVDs to the library, falling into some driving autopilot/trance and forgetting about them until pulling into the gym parking lot and getting out of the car and noticing the little bad boys staring up at me like - oh I don't know - baby birds? expectant inanimate objects? (it's too early for metaphors), groaning, back in the car, driving to the library, depositing the silly things, back to the gym, it's 6:30am, showering, weighing, and now doomed to a day of writing long, rambling, run on sentences that lead nowhere...

Wait a minute!

I have to write my monthly report!

Perhaps all is not lost...

Um, yeah... chick magnet... definitely

Work, Work, Work

For the last two days I've been trying (and failing I might add) to get stuff done at work. It's Zulu Dawn over here at the moment so tomorrow I will follow my trainer-wife's suggestion and get back in the gym for a little spin time on the bike.

Check out these pics from The Bike Snob - looks like a fun ride for whatever the heck that thing is on her bike (a dog?) ::rolls eyes::

Pedal for Pets Ride

I'm sitting to the left off Kaylee's rear wheel in the classic wingman position listening to her bitch about some fireman who keeps flirting with her but wont ask her out. Kaylee is an ER nurse and apparently a member of some local biking club judging from her jersey. She's also a former mountain biker which puts her near the 'insane' category and is recently reengaging with road cycling.

She's a far better cyclist than I am, I watched her whip out her cell phone and snap a picture of the view over the dam while still riding. I had to come to a complete stop in order to do the same, or wreck. I have crappy balance.

 View from the dam

The day started off cool at 52 degrees but was perfect for this sort of work. It is a beautiful day! Oh yeah, I'm on the Pedal for Pets ride which offers all sorts of distances, anywhere from two to forty miles so there's not a lot of reason for not doing it. The shorter distances are all on bike paths. I'm humping the forty miler certain my wife's vigorous training routine has prepared me for such distances.

I latched on to Kaylee heading out to the actual course after asking permission from her and her buddy Pinky, some girl in an all pink jersey. This is my second 'event' ride, the other being my somewhat disastrous sixty miler. What I'm learning about event rides is staying on course can be a little tricky until you figure out how to look for the somewhat cryptic 'signs' spray painted on the road indicating where to turn. In this case it's either a white arrow pointing the way or an orange 'W' with an arrow off the W indicating the way.

Both Kaylee and Pinky appear to have an ability to spot these things and ride around my level so if it's OK with them I'll hang out so as not to get lost. It was.

Kaylee, though claiming not to be, is somewhat slightly competitive dropping her pal Pinky when Pinky got confused and turned into the events one and only rest area which was near the lower left corner of the 'rectangle' we were following. So you could eat at mile eight or mile thirty six. A bit long but I understand the event organizers trying to have anything manned out there and it's location served all the variations on distance they offered.

So these events (based on my knowledge of both of the ones I've attended) have a little registration booth where you sign up and pay (in this case it was $25 + $10 for the t-shirt I got) and they give you a bling bag and tell you to go ahead and head out whenever you're ready. I found the price and the cause very reasonable.

The only one warm at this point was the person in the dog suit on the left

The parking lot filled up with bikers that were serious to family types looking to help out Fido.

Joe Serious (in red) attempting to intimidate me with a frosty stare

Kaylee has launched into a near diatribe about the 'serious' bikers you find at these events being particularly irked with the arrogant ones. This broadside came after we were passed by some club riders blowing by us at whatever pace it was. These groups seem to consist of about four guys and two girls in general. I'm not sure what makes up that dynamic but it appears to be a common ratio. I think I know of what she's gabbing about, I've come across one or two who's conversational repartee consists of, "Where did you get that Madone?" and "What's your average mph?" before smirking and dropping me.

I'm getting a kick out of Kaylee, I don't have to talk much and she's apparently got a lot on her mind. It's passing the time and I'm learning allllll about her in that vein of pouring your guts out to a stranger in a bar. Kaylee is particularly fun in her delivery, "I don't want to talk about Jim..." (the aforementioned fireman whom I didn't bring up) followed by a good ten minutes of nothing but Jim-ness. This pattern followed on most topics that came to her mind like what it means to be an ER nurse (it's 'sucky' but also addicting in the trauma (gunshots) department and by the way she doesn't trust doctors). Kaylee is a real character and I like her.

I'm hoping for a pretty good workout on this ride and I'm getting it. The twisty curvy part of it is through neighborhoods and bike paths so you have to keep the speed down (getting to the rectangle) but once you hit the country you're on your way. I asked the route planner about that after the ride and he told me that he wanted us to depart and arrive back at the animal shelter so folk would learn where it was at. Made sense. I wish I had set a lap counter for when I hit the country but I didn't. The only other annoyance what that my fancy bike computer decided not to record my speed (note to self, I still need to fix that) so thank heavens for the Garmin!

At the upper left part of the rectangle (see below for the course route and understanding of what I mean by rectangle) Kaylee pulls over to tighten a cleat. She's starting to bonk so I offer one of my two Clif bars. She's refusing like it's going to obligate her to have sex with me or something but eventually allows me to give her one and thanks me.

She decides to stop for eats on the way back but I go on figuring it's only seven miles or so to go and I'll grab something to eat there (spaghetti and a hot dog it turns out). Adios Kaylee.

As I'm headed in on the bike path I'm given a real treat! I see my entire family on the path with Layla waiting for me (I headed out all by my lonesome) YAY!!! That made me smile and was completely unexpected.

Arrival

I fully plan to attend this event next year (Kaylee promised that she'd provide the Clif bars on that ride). The weather was great and it's not some soul crushing distance and once I hit the country I felt safe on the roads. If you want to help out some pets and enjoy a nice morning ride check this out.

Layla, ready to go home!

My bling