Twisted Tempo

Um, yeah today was suppose to be tempo workout day and I decided to try the rowing machine to see what that was like. So I get strapped into the thing and then notice that that level is maxed out, unstrap my feet and set it to around '7' strap back in and go.

They should just leave a flogger in there so that you can adjust the level after being all strapped in in case a trainer isn't in the mood to beat you at that time. Multiple purpose AND cost effective!

So I'm trying to keep to the form Bubbles showed me awhile ago, back straight, knees slightly bent. I'm pulling on this thing and honestly not much is happening. Tuesdays are traditionally torpid for me but I mean, come on. In, push the legs out, pull on the rope, in, push the legs out, pull on the rope. HR around twelve. I'm also having problems with the STOOPID iPod that has convinced itself that 'Shuffle' means repeat the same song FOREVER.

I'm cranky, there's only so many times I can listen to Pretty Woman without going bonkers and try fishing the iPod out of your pocket to push 'Next' while rowing.

I'm deadly serious, try it... NOW!

::taps foot, looks at watch::

Around the seven minute mark on my tempo workout I bag the rowing machine having achieved an unimaginable MaxHR of 116bpm! Later on the elliptical Kojak told me I have to go faster or set the level higher. I'm more of the mindset that we should hook some sort of defibrillator to the thing and just shock the HR up to something acceptable.

I stroll into the gym and over to IronMan who's lounging on a recombinant eating a Western omelet with hash browns while sipping a latte, watching the news (you can do that? Well OK, HE can I'm not worthy) and give him my rowing machine report. He dabs some jam from his chin with a napkin and says, "You'll also get a sore back."

I've never had a good sense of rhythm which will be proven at Zumba and I think the rower requires it, so I head to an elliptical. I opt for forty minutes since I know IronMan will throw a hissy if I don't do a RackRun! or eighty and I have a seven o'clock with my ABS buddy Bubbles the meany-cat!

I choose some sort of weird workout on the elliptical that looks like a hill on the monitor and up the level to around 11 I think (I really do need a secretary to record this crap, I forget it almost immediately after I hop off the machine) and work through it jabbing the skip button on the MORONIC iPod because I didn't have time to figure that out, I'm just a busy, busy Bill.

Well I'm not paying a lot of attention and I can't hear real well because I've got the music up high enough to drown out the gym music (deafness might become a reality here) when the treacherous elliptical jumps me up to level 18!

It was suddenly like walking through ankle deep mud. GROAN. I dial that back to something like fourteen while muttering at the naughty elliptical, "I'll deal with you later!"

You'll notice just past the fifty minute mark where I spiked my HR up to 154bpm. That's where I engaged Kojak in a little elliptical race.

I kicked his ass.

Sure he's about ninety years younger than me but I had a forty minute head start on that puppy. I'm old and fat but crafty :-)

It was fun getting that thing up to a serious pace, I ended up kinda free wheeling on an elliptical and Kojak had his going so fast that you could have grated cheese for IronMan's omelet on the arm thingys. He almost got airborne!

Bubbles had come in a bit earlier and was dragging a surly looking quietGuy through a new routine.

I was watching her trying to convince quietGuy to do some sort one arm plank while hoisting a twelve pounder with the other arm and twisting to her side while lifting the dumbbell up. I was in a middle of a RackRun! (the three last spikes on the HR chart), IronMan having dragged me off the elliptical to get it done.

I could watch Bubbles do these things all day, her form is just always spot on, something to aspire to. IronMan interrupts these thoughts with, "WHAT are you doing?!"

"Uh, a RackRun! ?"

"JUST the biceps Bill!"

I was doing a combo RackRun! of biceps and an Arnold type of press and I was feeling it pretty darned good. I'm more than willing to do just the biceps by that point (starting down on the first run before getting busted).

goodMood strolls over to IronMan wondering what I was doing. IronMan tells him I was exercising two muscle groups, apparently this is a no-no. They both return to some sort of curling horror involving some machine that I don't know the name of. I think they're using the weights to mash coffee beans for more lattes. Personally, as hyper as they are, I think they've had enough.

Bubbles has us shove about ninety flexibility balls down to the basketball court. She has a pretty good sized class today. She's babbling about sitting this one out and I agree to sit on the sidelines and help her watch the suffering. I'm a great watcher! I'll point out the slackers for her if her back is turned, really, I'm not above it.

She refuses my kind offer.

She then introduces me/us to the planks of Hell Fire! Various planks of various lengths of time. She was even kind enough to point out when she was marching around like some sort of demented drill sergeant that it was perfectly fine for me to do a side plank on my knees.

I didn't even know I was on my knees. sigh

I did the right side correctly so will probably have even a more deformed body type, but there will be no 'bail out' for the left side in the future. It will be forced to carry its own weight.

Overall my ABS performance was somewhere between abysmal to mediocre. Once again the stability ball crunches causing enough pain in my lower back to make me stop. I've got to figure out what I'm doing to get that noise to stop.

Have a fantastic day!