Twisted Tempo

Um, yeah today was suppose to be tempo workout day and I decided to try the rowing machine to see what that was like. So I get strapped into the thing and then notice that that level is maxed out, unstrap my feet and set it to around '7' strap back in and go.

They should just leave a flogger in there so that you can adjust the level after being all strapped in in case a trainer isn't in the mood to beat you at that time. Multiple purpose AND cost effective!

So I'm trying to keep to the form Bubbles showed me awhile ago, back straight, knees slightly bent. I'm pulling on this thing and honestly not much is happening. Tuesdays are traditionally torpid for me but I mean, come on. In, push the legs out, pull on the rope, in, push the legs out, pull on the rope. HR around twelve. I'm also having problems with the STOOPID iPod that has convinced itself that 'Shuffle' means repeat the same song FOREVER.

I'm cranky, there's only so many times I can listen to Pretty Woman without going bonkers and try fishing the iPod out of your pocket to push 'Next' while rowing.

I'm deadly serious, try it... NOW!

::taps foot, looks at watch::

Around the seven minute mark on my tempo workout I bag the rowing machine having achieved an unimaginable MaxHR of 116bpm! Later on the elliptical Kojak told me I have to go faster or set the level higher. I'm more of the mindset that we should hook some sort of defibrillator to the thing and just shock the HR up to something acceptable.

I stroll into the gym and over to IronMan who's lounging on a recombinant eating a Western omelet with hash browns while sipping a latte, watching the news (you can do that? Well OK, HE can I'm not worthy) and give him my rowing machine report. He dabs some jam from his chin with a napkin and says, "You'll also get a sore back."

I've never had a good sense of rhythm which will be proven at Zumba and I think the rower requires it, so I head to an elliptical. I opt for forty minutes since I know IronMan will throw a hissy if I don't do a RackRun! or eighty and I have a seven o'clock with my ABS buddy Bubbles the meany-cat!

I choose some sort of weird workout on the elliptical that looks like a hill on the monitor and up the level to around 11 I think (I really do need a secretary to record this crap, I forget it almost immediately after I hop off the machine) and work through it jabbing the skip button on the MORONIC iPod because I didn't have time to figure that out, I'm just a busy, busy Bill.

Well I'm not paying a lot of attention and I can't hear real well because I've got the music up high enough to drown out the gym music (deafness might become a reality here) when the treacherous elliptical jumps me up to level 18!

It was suddenly like walking through ankle deep mud. GROAN. I dial that back to something like fourteen while muttering at the naughty elliptical, "I'll deal with you later!"

You'll notice just past the fifty minute mark where I spiked my HR up to 154bpm. That's where I engaged Kojak in a little elliptical race.

I kicked his ass.

Sure he's about ninety years younger than me but I had a forty minute head start on that puppy. I'm old and fat but crafty :-)

It was fun getting that thing up to a serious pace, I ended up kinda free wheeling on an elliptical and Kojak had his going so fast that you could have grated cheese for IronMan's omelet on the arm thingys. He almost got airborne!

Bubbles had come in a bit earlier and was dragging a surly looking quietGuy through a new routine.

I was watching her trying to convince quietGuy to do some sort one arm plank while hoisting a twelve pounder with the other arm and twisting to her side while lifting the dumbbell up. I was in a middle of a RackRun! (the three last spikes on the HR chart), IronMan having dragged me off the elliptical to get it done.

I could watch Bubbles do these things all day, her form is just always spot on, something to aspire to. IronMan interrupts these thoughts with, "WHAT are you doing?!"

"Uh, a RackRun! ?"

"JUST the biceps Bill!"

I was doing a combo RackRun! of biceps and an Arnold type of press and I was feeling it pretty darned good. I'm more than willing to do just the biceps by that point (starting down on the first run before getting busted).

goodMood strolls over to IronMan wondering what I was doing. IronMan tells him I was exercising two muscle groups, apparently this is a no-no. They both return to some sort of curling horror involving some machine that I don't know the name of. I think they're using the weights to mash coffee beans for more lattes. Personally, as hyper as they are, I think they've had enough.

Bubbles has us shove about ninety flexibility balls down to the basketball court. She has a pretty good sized class today. She's babbling about sitting this one out and I agree to sit on the sidelines and help her watch the suffering. I'm a great watcher! I'll point out the slackers for her if her back is turned, really, I'm not above it.

She refuses my kind offer.

She then introduces me/us to the planks of Hell Fire! Various planks of various lengths of time. She was even kind enough to point out when she was marching around like some sort of demented drill sergeant that it was perfectly fine for me to do a side plank on my knees.

I didn't even know I was on my knees. sigh

I did the right side correctly so will probably have even a more deformed body type, but there will be no 'bail out' for the left side in the future. It will be forced to carry its own weight.

Overall my ABS performance was somewhere between abysmal to mediocre. Once again the stability ball crunches causing enough pain in my lower back to make me stop. I've got to figure out what I'm doing to get that noise to stop.

Have a fantastic day!

Battle Lines

I believe that the Garmin is a false god with it's 'you've burned ninety calories thinking about changing the channel.' LIES!

I gained two pounds on vacation and here's where the battle of the midriff will be fought, at the 220lb mark. I've been kinda STUCK there for awhile and yearn to get to a svelte 215 before the final plunge to 207 and then deciding what to do next.

Do I have the WILL?

I hope so, cool things only come from hard work.

I am somewhat superstitious at this point so I won't say anything and I certainly wont brag - but look at this!

Cool Things from Hard Work

Back in the Saddle

Went into the gym today. I wept openly as I waved my badge in front of the door and heard that yummy 'click' that I was still permitted access!

This euphoria was short lived, evaporating as I entered the gym and found my wife on MY elliptical, defiling it! Glaring at her I stormed over to AT Everest's elliptical. I really do need to get some plaques made with my name on them. People get confused, it's understandable but annoying.

Today was suppose to be my light workout day but given all the wandering around I did in CA I decided to do 45 minutes of calorie burning - Monday is weigh in and we'll see if my experiments with herbs and Oreos have paid off! I expect amazing results!!!

LA - Where we went

Thursday and Friday are something of a blur. First we went to Rendondo Beach where I continued to chew up calories at an alarming rate. This place had a quaint farmer's market and also a pier where you could fish. I forgot the camera AND my hat. My bald head suffered for that mistake.

Redondo Walk

We packed and then rushed off to Nickelodeon's Animation Party (thanks sis!) over in Burbank. We had a great time there arriving about an hour early. While we were hanging out there was this guy standing there looking around, obviously an employee. I decided what the heck, and walked over to him and started asking him questions. It turns out he's Vincent Waller, one of the writers and animators for SpongeBob Squarepants. He lives nearby and was getting ready to ride his bike home. I just googled him and his blog is interesting, along with his imdb entry and Wikipedia entry. He was the most famous guy I met and I liked him right off the bat for some reason.

The party started. It was outside in this employee park like area. We ate too much free stuff (hotdogs, sliders, fresh baked chocolate chip cookies) and then the party raged and there was dancing and whatnot. One table was staffed with cartoonists and all you had to do was ask them to draw a pic of a Nickelodeon character and they would,

Bill at the Nickelodeon Animation Studios

The employee cafeteria - free Coke!

Nickelodeon Cubicle Farm

Party Area

Jeff DeGrandis drawing SpongeBob for my daughter

Then we hopped in the car and drove to the airport (BTW cutting through the heart of LA at rush hour on the 101 is NOT fun but we wanted to do the Nick party), boarded our very redeye at 12:35am, did a three hour layover in Atlanta and finally got home about 2pm.

I was exhausted.

Thanks to theDude, my sister and their two kids for a truly wonderful time!

Laguna

Dudes and Dudesses, I'm seriously onto something here but more on that in a bit.

Today we decided to go to Laguna Beach. I opted to take the scenic Pacific Coastal Highway (the PCH to the natives).

That was a mistake. Imagine an ENDLESS Sawmill Road with the added benefit of adding an hour to the trip time. It was so painful that the state of California made it mandatory that there was a liquor store every other block just to get through it. When I told theDude about it when we got back he busted a gut laughing, "You took the PCH???"

Wanna see some of the prettier sections?

An Oil Derrick

Finally we arrived! It is a seriously pretty beach!

V-Ball

Tide Pools

When we got to the beach I started my routine. To the casual observer this would appear to be me just walking about but the Garmin DOES NOT LIE!

BEHOLD!

Yep, you're reading it right 692 calories burned, all gone bye-bye! Off to that little fat farm in the sky.

Just by walking around - mmhmm

Bill's Hellish Workout Trek Through Laguana Beach - NOT for the Timid!

But was Bill done?

No, oh my heavens NO!

After my cardio routine (driving the wonderful freeway system) I embarked on a neighborhood walk.

Bill's Neighborhood Walk

And the metrics, please..

You see of course.

Of course you do! My blog readers aren't idiots!

933 calories vaporized just by walking around looking at stuff!

I'm eating an entire moose now and enjoying all of a chocolate cream pie. I'll probably burn that off just walking upstairs to bed. Tomorrow we return home.

My name is Bill and I am genius!

Deep Burn at Universal Studios!

Check out those metrics!

Yep, yep, I've done it again exposed the deep lies of the exercise mythos! You can thank me later, profusely.

Today we went to Universal Studios and I took along the Garmin, because... uhhhh... I'm weird? I decided, even though I'm in the land of La to forgo the heart rate monitor since I've received enough compliments on my 'bra strap' thank you very much!

Today's routine consisted of standing in line or walking to a line. Cool down was sitting during a show or riding the tram around the studio lots looking for the beautiful people. They were working.

This workout is intense and not for the beginning pansy! According to the Garmin I burned an incredible amount of calories riding the tram! The Garmin doesn't lie!!!

The aerobic activity was driving on the 101 during rush hour!

Welcome to The Bill Diet (just send me $19.99 OK?) and sit on trams or stand in line all day long losing weight! Lounge your way to a healthy heart!!!

Extreme Hills at Universal

I'm Done!

It's five thirty in the morning and I'm sitting down goofing on the computer when one of my nephews comes down and proceeds to give me color commentary on this Webkinz game he's playing on the computer. He's a hoot. I'm half listening to him, "Uncle Bill I just hit a tree!"

"That's good."

"No, that's BAD Uncle Bill!"

Suddenly he leaps up announcing he has to go to the bathroom and runs down the hall. He's of the age where he runs everywhere. I return to writing yesterday's blog entry.

Announcing in a loud voice from the guest bathroom he calls out, "Uncle Bill, I'm done!"

"Um, that's good!" I call back, I mean what the heck?

"I'm DOOOOOONE Uncle Bill!"

Suspicious, I climb out of the couch and head into the bathroom. He's sitting on the potty grinning ear to ear, "I'm done."

Oh no, "So what do you want me do?"

"You're suppose to wipe me Uncle Bill!"

sigh

Allowing my sister to sleep in and having performed my duties as an uncle I wash my hands ninety times and head back to the laptop.

Later in the morning we head out to the Trump National Golf Course. My sister telling us it's a fun place to walk the trails. So off we went. This is the course we walked my daughter providing background complaining ("This is BORING!").


Initially it was jacket weather but as the day heated up it got better. Here's some of what it looked like from the ground:

Heading off down the trails

A FunRun hill possibility?

My daughter became an expert lizard spotter

OK picture this, we're walking along these trails, this billion dollar Trump golf course just above us along with its expensive condos nearby. Sitting above this across a highway are these (I imagine) incredibly expensive mansions with pristine views of the cove along with the Catalina Island just off to the left. Most are really pretty except for this property devaluing one, pea green???

I took this picture because I knew you wouldn't believe me

On Sunday we took a brief walk of my sister's neighborhood, looking for lizards and trouble. Here's the area where we're staying:

The neighborhood

I look at things for exercise suffering now.

FunRun Steps?

Now just to be clear my sister is married to theDude and they have two really rambunctious boys and they are wonderful, fun people. theDude is a serious surfer in his spare time, if the weather and water was a TAD warmer I might actually try to surf, this exercise gig making me more adventurous.

It makes me so adventurous that I decide to engage in a bit of fraud at the Aquarium in an attempt to save $20. In an Oscar worthy performance as theDude, Bill tries to get by on another family's membership.

Clerk: You're theDude?

Bill, voice an octave lower: Yep!

Clerk: Can I see some ID?

Bill: Fakes reaching for wallet, "I seem to have forgotten my wallet, she handles all the money anyway."

Smirking clerk: Turning computer screen away from Bill, "I just need to ask you some questions, what's your address?"

Bill: "Um... Via ::mumbles:: Rivdzqria," turns to fake wife, "Isn't that right honey?"

Treacherous, backstabbing sister, nothing but crickets, leaving her brother to dangle in the wind.

Clerk: You're not theDude are you?

sigh

Tomorrow is Universal - there will be no attempted fraud - I SWEAR IT!

Turn it UP

My sister was kind (?) to me and took me and my son to her gym. We were on a mission to try something I had only heard about - spin class. The class was an hour and fifteen minutes long but we arrived a little late so it was only about an hour long for us.

After we were 'processed' (money exchanged hands - thanks sis!!!) we went down this well lit hallway and into this dimly lit room, like a bar... um... so I've read. Once the door was opened I was greeted by this wall of music. Heavy beat stuff that I equate with 'techno' or 'rave.' Picture a room about 2/3 the size of our gym filled with around thirty upright bikes. At the head of the room was a female instructor around Bubbles age but with monster bicycle thighs facing the class on her own bike. They're already hard at work and at first I was afraid we wouldn't find a bike, it was that full.

The instructor is wearing one of those McDonalds 'may I take your order' headsets and has an iPod plugged into the sound system. The music is quite loud, driving. She's custom made the entire soundtrack of the music having the tempo and beat represent various stages of the ride, tailored to last the exact amount of time of the entire workout. Her instructions come over the music but never mutes it.

Some of the bikes have pedals for those who have spuds and we find three that have cages along the left wall. The bike looked mostly like this one but didn't have the water bottle cage, instead had some sort of basket between the handlebars that held the water and more of a 'granny' seat.

I get on the bike and it's sized for me thank heavens, my son and sister get on theirs and I tune in the instructor.

There's not much to the bike. It's far more stable feeling than the uprights in the gym, I didn't feel wobbly at all standing up on the thing, and the red knob increased the tension (difficulty) in turning to the right and dialed it back turning it left.

I'm a little worried because I'm already entering the fray without warming up. Too bad, so sad. So I start peddling like mad, trying to get a feel for the thing. The instructor is giving a brief talk about form. Keep your belly button in (reminds me of someone, who? Waves at Bubbles) back straight and shoulders down (relaxed). You can have your hands on two different parts of the handlebars, but just your hands, if you rest your forearms on the bars then your back will pay the bill later. She'd periodically ask for you to take your hands off the bar to demonstrate you weren't putting too much weight on the bars.

The class was humping up a 'hill' when we started, all standing up out of the saddle hammering the pedals at a high cadence. I was 'jerky' standing up, not fluid. The motion felt a lot like a cross between the elliptical and the stair climber. I think the flywheel added to the jerky feeling for me, as opposed to a real bike, I also think it's something you get better at with practice.

My thighs quickly started complaining. It was something I had to push through into that weird state where it seems like my muscles say, "Well I can see you you're not going to listen to me!" before throwing a hissy and entering this kind of resigned passive-aggressive numbness.

The instructor is explaining the knob, the following commands having certain meanings.

• Turn it up - turn the knob one quarter to one half turn to the right.
• Tweak it up - turn the knob only a little to the right
• Dial it back - turn the nob to the left one quart to one half to the left.

I had to immediately turn the knob up or I'd free wheel in the standing position. The instructor, who I started think of as The Wicked Witch of the West or Elphaba for short was trying to get us to visualize the course when she wasn't blabbing, "Your hearts are thanking you for this."

mmhmm, my heart is doubtful and my thighs aren't at all grateful.

"Turn it UP"

I'm sweating about five minutes into it. Per the norm I don't know what I'm doing so I'm watching the instructor closely trying to match her cadence. She's droning on about pushing and pulling as if that is going to help maximize the use of my quads and calves. I know what she means but I'm not feeling the pulling. It was funny but my calves didn't 'feel it' until the following day.

"Turn it UP"

We sit down and that takes a lot of the burn out of my thighs.

"Dial it back"

I glance around the room, there's one lady who's either grinning or grimacing, maybe both. Some dude has a truly impressive puddle under his bike, I'm hoping he took an entire water bottle and poured it all over himself, otherwise, ew! The guy to the right of me has seriously bought into the whole simulated bike ride thing, he's in bike shorts, shirt, logos, all of it. He also looks like he knows what he's doing and can keep up so I can't roll my eyes too much about it.

My son and sister are hanging better than I am. My sister does these classes a lot and my son is fourteen so its sort of expected. I try not to get too depressed but I always seem to be worst in class and it can wear on the soul after awhile. Wait a minute! Across the room is some tall, skinny brunette who's just sitting in the saddle slowly pedaling just looking around not even trying. She doesn't count - darn it!

I'm still spinning but I'm spending more time in the saddle than out. I'm dying by degrees, slowly heading into the light. Elphaba is helping emitting soft 'whoops' of encouragement. She's right, death is preferable to this high heart rate hell and the light is so pretty. It's a good day to die.

Why is my son waving at me?

I snap back to reality. Both my sister and son are laughing at me. Confused I watch my sister get off the bike for some reason. She pulls out a cell phone and snaps this picture, confused I manage to fake a smile:

Other than the sweat this picture bares no resemblance to reality.
Unknown woman in negligee behind me

She's disappointed since I managed to wipe the near death expression off my face. I'm certain my death mask will bring many a chuckle. I'm glancing around, blinking the flash out of my eyes and coming back to 'the now.'

Elphaba is demanding that we "dail it back" and sprint across this flat part of the 'course.' She's tucked into the bike, nice form and hammering out an ungodly cadence. She want's nothing BUT maximum heart rate and I try to comply. The heart chart doesn't look like I did it though, the first shock to the system being the highest HR but I'm guess I'm close. Who knows? Awhile back 144bpm was killing me.

We get a two second rest break for water and to catch our breath...

"Turn it UP"

And we're going at a slow cadence up a hill. My cadence is too high but I REALLY don't want to turn it UP any higher. My thighs are shot and I sit back into the saddle, staring over at the clock.

Thirty minutes left - sigh.

Elphaba is getting way into it now. Her form is probably spot on for a spinner but I don't think for a bike, she's rocking heavy to the left, then the right in time with the music. She's whispering "pushhhhhh" waits a few beats, goes up a half octave and then "pullllll" - sheesh.

She manages to tell me something useful, another aspect of exercising/training that I hadn't considered. F-O-C-U-S When you push it that hard it's easy to (for me anyway) 'to go into the light' and forget cadence, keeping my belly button in, and just stare around goofy.

It's done and so am I, she then has us do some some stretches against the bike which felt pretty good.

I went back to my sister's place, showered and took a looonnnngggg nap :-)

The Hell of Almost Knowing

I managed to squeeze in a workout before we had to leave. I also showed my wife who arrived when I was about half done a RackRun! after she put in some time on the elliptical. Then we finished packing (it was more relaxed then I thought it would be and hit the airport and started our trek to LA.

Somewhere over Kansas I entered The Hell of Almost Knowing. This is an undocumented (by Dante) circle that consisted of me staring into a 3X5 LCD monitor at a broadcast of ESPN News trying to keep track of my beloved Tarheels. Only NBC was an option not CBS - go figure.

So I'm grimly watching a score ticker float by every few minutes after all the other worthless scores went by, soccer (who cares?), golf (who cares!), NHL (I so don't care!!!), women's basketball (I'm not needing this!) and then back to the men's scores.

If my attention was diverted I'd pretty much have to wait for the next stupid iteration! I'd be staring into the itsy bitsy banner, quietly going blind in support of my team. I got a handle on when the score was about to show up and would frantically start mumbling, "Come on Carolina!" while rocking back and forth, as tense as my father at a Dook game.

For far too long the score seesawed back and forth but in the end Carolina prevailed, a strong omen that out vacation would be totally awesome!

More from the land of LA-LA as it happens.

Friday

For the record my son states categorically that he has actually tried V8. rolls eyes...

After my attempt at the Beat It Workout yesterday Bubbles tossed over the following email. It's the proper way to do this thing in order to maximize suffering. I'm going to try it again for at least two cycles and give you my impressions but even my messed up version was FUN! Seriously! Try it.

Hi Bill,

BEAT IT WORKOUT:
A longer work-interval workout. This workout is intended to keep you challenged and encourages you to focus on session goals, which I know that you have endured recently.

Step Mill Example:

• Complete a .25 mile, beat your time by five to ten seconds for another .25 mile
• Follow that with 1 minute recovery (lower level)
• Beat your 2nd .25 mile time by five to ten seconds
• Beat your 3rd .25 mile time by five to ten seconds
• Follow that with 1 minute recovery (lower level)
• Beat your 4th .25 mile time by five to ten seconds
• Repeat this same sequence for a few more times exactly how you completed it the first time, with the same levels that you completed during your first mile and working up to 6 miles. Try adding a mile or two every 1-2 weeks on the Step Mill for 8 weeks.

Upright Bike Example:

• Complete 1 mile, beat your time by five to ten seconds for another mile by increasing your rpms (keep the level the same throughout the workout)
• Follow that with 1 minute recovery (lower level and rpms)
• Beat your 2nd mile time by five to ten seconds
• Beat your 3rd mile time by five to ten seconds
• Follow that with 1 minute recovery (lower level and rpms)
• Beat your 4th mile time by five to ten seconds
• Repeat this same sequence for a few more times exactly how you completed it the first time, with the same levels and rpms that you completed during your first mile and working up to 10-20 miles in one session. Try adding a mile or 2 every 2 weeks on the Upright Bike for 8 weeks.

p.s. I'm happy to be of service to you and all of your blog readers.

Jaw drops! Did you read that? Bubbles has offered to do all of our workouts for us! sigh The thing is, all of us endorphin bogarts want to hoard them so Bubbles knows she doesn't have much to worry about, still it goes to show you the level of trainers we're blessed with here! Both Bubbles and Diablo rock hard core! They've always been ready to help out, too cool for school! So talk to them!

Yesterday awesomeGirl stops me in the lobby elated about the news from her physical therapist. She's permitted to be reunited with her one true love, the Stair Climber! I'm smiling at her joy but in the back of my head, "You had a MEDICAL excuse..." but I follow her elation. It's just part of the duality of the exercise thang... you hate certain machines/routines for what they take out of you and develop a strange kind of love for those same machines/routines because of what they take out of you.

It's like AllyMcBeal having to walk on the treadmill - that girl is a born runner and when I see her forced to walk, well she looks forlorn. Same with awesomeGirl and the stair climber. In a few weeks Ally will be pounding pavement again and in a few days awesomeGirl will be bitching and moaning while climbing stairs. And when I hear it I'm gonna smile cuz you know they are happy.

There was a certain malaise at the gym today. I'm doing the new total body thing and believe I'm getting the hang of most of it. The quiet clank of metal, the hum of the ellipticals but it was joyless. Collectively the morning shift of gym rats was phoning this one in.

IronMan is whispering sweet nothings in my ear, "Bob Evans, you know you want to!"

BOY DO I! But I'm battling my own demons at the moment. Tomorrow I leave for LA with my family for a spring break vacation. I have to figure out what to do with regards to exercise. I'll probably do some walking it's pretty hilly, maybe get in a running gang fight, hang with the beautiful people and see what they do, in short I'm gonna wing it!

I'll probably blog it.

I think I'm going to have to increase my cardio - or at least my cardio intensity. On the weight front I feel stalled, maybe I'm entering the realm of The Tough Pounds, God help me. No one told me this would be hard! That explains a lot of the giggling...

A Wretched Puree of Assorted Vegetables

"A wretched puree of assorted vegetables," my son's latest description of V8, a concoction he has yet to actually imbibe. I'm harboring similar thoughts about gulping down olive oil but what separates my son and I is that I'm compelled to do it; otherwise how will I know? Not only that but I have to do it for awhile if the vaunted medicinal value is to kick in. I wonder what my coworkers will make of me sitting at my desk, a hardened project manager, knocking back olive oil.

The dame entered my office appearing confident and poised. She looked like trouble of the worst kind. Beautiful, smart and deadly.

"Can I help you shister?" my recent tangle with QA having left me with a slight speech impediment.

"Only you can help!" she blurts out before sobbing into her hands.

"What'sh the problem?" I ask, my hand hesitating over the gat I keep in my drawer before grabbing my pal, Les Bouteilles, by the neck. I'm certain I'm going to need a stiff one if I'm going to have to listen to this noise.

I splash it into a dirty glass deciding she didn't look like a serious drinker and slam it back, savoring it's "smooth taste of fresh grass — ending with assertive, peppery bite" that only a true connoisseur such as myself could enjoy. I grimace with pleasure.

I stare at her with the cold, dead eyes of the project manager, "Tell me about it."

"I have this feature that wasn't part of the project scope... but I'm certain it wont... did you just swallow a glass of olive oil?"

Hands shaking as I feel the first heady rush of extra virginy goodness come on I deadpan, "No." while fighting to keep down a satisfied burp.

I mean who doesn't want to live a life like that? So, I have to know all I can know about exercise and olive oil and everything from rack runs to fun runs.

Apparently awesomeGirl wants to walk the slippery walk. She's actually ordered from the library the Shangri-la diet book. She has that quiet hope in her eyes that makes me honestly hope this works for her, she's tired of feeling endlessly hungry. Perhaps tireTosser can provide guidance.

Me? I'll cowboy up on 30 March 09, 'k?

Today I learned about the Beat It workout which sadly has nothing to do with self-gratification. It's a race with yourself and the rules are straightforward.

• Choose a cardio machine that does distance. (e.g. bike/stair climber)
  
• Warm up for five minutes easy.
• Then bike/stair for .25 mile fast and note the time it took you
• Then bike/stair for another .25 mile fast and beat your time by five to ten seconds (increase the level (stair climber) or rpms (bike))
• Follow that with a lower level for one minute
• Then bike/stair for .25 mile fast and note the time it took you
• Then bike/stair for another .25 mile fast and beat your time by five to ten seconds (increase the level (stair climber) or rpms (bike))
• Vomit when done.
  

OK I made that last one up, there is NO vomiting during the Beat It workout!

I chose the upright bike and started doing the five minute warm-up. Bubbles just sent me some interesting info on warm-ups/stretching and I'll put it at the end of this post. Executive version: do it, a lot. YES ALL OF IT!

IronMan plops down next to me on the other upright and I explain to him the routine. He tells me how to take the bike out of 'scan' and keep it on miles. I have my handy dandy Garmin with me which has a lap function that I'll use to mark the time, I plan to BoyScout (do my best) so I'm not too interested in how I did per lap. I'll check it later.

Technical issues:

On the upright you have to pick a level high enough that when you're sprinting you don't end up freewheeling (no resistance) but not so high (IMO) that you crush your thighs right off the bat, for me this feels like a low to medium 'big ring' gear if that helps any, and on the upright was level eight.

Second issue: as you come off your first sprint you have a brief down time waiting for the odometer to cycle to a number you can do math on. So for example, how far to do you have to go if the odometer says 2.80? 3.05 of course but try doing that when you're heaving for breath and increasingly anaerobic!

Third issue: I was initially concerned that .25 miles wasn't long enough on the bike, with the warm up (five minutes) and the cool down (five minutes) it took about fifteen minutes. Is that good enough? Is that the intent? Is there an overall time that one should do?

After I was done with the four sprints I looked at IronMan and covered in sweat, gasping for breath said, "A quarter mile is just fine." As far as an interval workout, this is intense! I was initially confused by my heart chart when I saw only two spikes and then realized the first spike is the first TWO sprints, the second spike is the last two sprints. 163 is a new max HR for me BTW!

The endorphin rush is almost immediate but as I walked around the gym my body said MORE. I needed to sweat today, the kind of sweat that soaks your shirt and rolls into your eyes. I'm weird, shoot me :-) I set up an interval workout on the recumbinant for twenty five minutes and try and hammer it. I think each low/high interval was two minutes but when I hit a 'hill' I tried to hammer it hard. During recuperation I pondered the Beat It workout.

I think I'll do one of two things next time I try it, either increase the distance or do more of them and try for fifteen or twenty minutes of 'work' - Bubbles (or anyone) your thoughts?

As far as the workout itself, it is intense, fun and worth it. I came off it goofy and anaerobic. I've heard from lanceArmstrong that you want to do occasional anaerobic work if you want to move up from a plateau.

If you look at the heart chart you'll see about minute forty where I miss a peak. This is because Bubbles is voicing her disappointment that I didn't make Zumba last night. She misinterpreted my 'Coming This Week' sidebar. I could use some feedback on that. It's meant to be things that I'm aware of that strike me as fun but that I'm not necessarily going to do. The only requirement is that I don't think I can make it huge - if you want that PLEASE grab one of the gym calendars. What I was trying to call attention to for anyone who reads this blog was that this last Wednesday Bubbles was having a 'beginners' Zumba class incase you're shy, like me. Or hate to come in the middle of the movie.

Bubbles glares around the gym and announces that there should be more men at the Zumba class and implying rather strongly for her that we're a bunch of PANSIES for not giving it a whirl!

When she sees me dance she'll take back that statement while simultaneously screaming, "MY EYES, oh dear GOD MY EYEEESSSSSSSS!"

I start my RackRun! of Arnold presses and halfway up the first one grumpy Bubbles (kidding for the Bill impaired) busts me on them, "Bill! Form!" And then she illustrates the correct way to do them.

I kick back, "Um, NO!"

Bubbles glares and through gritted teeth says, "You had BETTER do them right!" before wheeling and storming back to her monitor.

Bill the mouse does them correctly. My suffering legendary.

After the RackRun! IronMan and poor gullible me are stoned out of our minds on endorphins and giggling approach Bubbles at her monitor. Short story, we signed up for Zumba on Wednesdays from (hopefully) 4:30-5:30PM. I still need to negotiate this with my wife but I think it's doable. We're booked for the month of April starting (appropriately) on April FOOLS day.

My suffering continued in ABS and even though I'm trying I can't discern much if any improvement. I'm whacked out on ULTRA-MEGA-TYLENOL at the moment but that didn't stop my lower back from voicing its displeasure. Bubbles showed me some planks to try and help strengthen it.

OK, I gotta wrap this up, I'm totally mutigued! Here's what Bubbles sent on warm up/stretching:

Q: Why is it important to warm up and stretch?

A: A low impact exercise, such as biking, walking, an elliptical machine, a rowing machine, etc. is the best way to warm up. There are many reasons why you should warm up and stretch before working out – the main one is injury prevention. A warmup and stretch help increase the elasticity of your muscles and connective tissues prior to putting them under stress. Increased elasticity simply means muscle and tissues are more relaxed and flexible. Running is just one example of an exercise that puts an enormous amount of stress on your body.

Working out without a warmup and raising your heart rate rapidly can cause problems also. A proper warm-up improves heart function and prepares it for the stress of exercise. The heart receives greater blood flow and oxygen with a gradual warmup.

Your muscles will actually perform better with a proper warmup and stretch as well – there is a tendency for lactic acid to build up in your muscles quicker without a warmup. Lactic acid is what you feel when you are doing an intense exercise and you feel a "burn." Warming up and stretching dissipates this lactic acid. So you can actually get more out of your workout with a proper warmup and stretch.

Have a superior day!

Wednesday - Temptation

I love this blog and more importantly the people who read it! Yesterday I got an email from JRock who's catching up on some of my entries since work got in the way and she puts me in touch tireTosser, who's had some experience with my battle with the brownie. Here's what he said (lightly edited to frame wickedWoman):

I had a lot trouble with my appetite. For the past two years I told everyone that I had lost 100 pounds.

In other words I lost a pound (and gained it back) a hundred times.

At some point I heard the old saw about, “if you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you always got.” And thought I’d try something different. I did a lot of research on the internet, talked with friends and my doctor. All of it was pretty much more of the same thing I’d always heard. Eat less, work out more. I found that I could easily eat less, for about 15 minutes or so. And then my appetite would rear its ugly head. Sometimes my stomach would start to burn.

This is when I would surrender and I put the fire out with ice cream, brownies or some such related food group.

And then I came across the Shangri-la diet. It’s one of those diets where you eat more to lose less.

But the funny thing is that they didn’t load me up with veggies and health foods. The key here was:

to actually EAT EMPTY CALORIES, but the calories had to have NO TASTE.

Now I have to admit that I think most of the ideas here are bunk. I tried sugar water (it was named Coca-Cola) and it didn’t work. But when I tried the Olive Oil, something miraculous happened.

My appetite abated. I found that by taking a shot of oil (about an ounce) at 10 and later on at 3, I was able to cut down on my snacking and I started to lose weight. Even better, I kept it off.

Now the more I read about Olive Oil, the more I’m convinced that it’s actually good for me too.

You are welcome to join me at either or both times each day and partake a shot of olive oil.

I use the Extra Light version which has no taste. That is easier for me to swallow (no pun intended).

As for the Apple Cider Vinegar, it’s my appetite 9-1-1. If I get the munchies and don’t want to wait for the Olive Oil to take effect (or if I’ve skipped the Olive Oil), I’ll do a shot of Apple Cider Vinegar.

I can testify that once you’ve taken a shot of that, your appetite will instantly vanish.

Now it may seem counter intuitive, but I eat a bite of bread just after I do the Apple Cider Vinegar shot so that it doesn’t burn my stomach up. There are hits on the healing power of apple cider vinegar too if you want to look them up. But I’m not as religious with Apple Cider Vinegar as I am with Olive Oil.

Well, that’s it. It’s probably more than JRock expected me to write, but then I wanted to cover the bases for you.

- tireTosser

P.S. Like I said, feel free to come down and join me for a shot!

An Olive Oil addict huh? I've heard about your kind! The growing need as 'the oil' takes hold like um a lascivious lubricant of the er... palate? Cool! And keeping in the spirit of this blog and this adventure I'm on, the next time I'm jonesing for a brownie or something ah heck even if I'm not...

Of course I have to try it.

However someone of my refined taste can only consume virgin olive oil! Yep, the oil from virgin olives for this finely tuned athlete or nothing at all particularly that unchaste swill! I'll see you shortly tireTosser, apparently there is ritual involved and schedules to maintain.

I also hate this blog but still love those that read it.

...which she thinks is inflamed because I am just too self centered to buy a granny seat for my bike

My wife has latched on to this comment with a vengeance and wants me to desecrate my beloved bicycle with said granny seat!

No. Somethings transcend comfort, even of the coccyx; this is one of them.

A few days ago Diablo was telling me about a tune from the band Cry of Love called Highway Jones. The link is to the live version, the studio version is from their album Brother. It will give you and idea of the song but the studio version is much tighter in my opinion.

I will load it on the iPod and try it during one of my cardio workouts. It has that driving beat for that sort of work and some nice guitar work.

Bubbles was explaining to me yesterday the proper way to do the new routine she designed, and that I'm suppose to keep my HR high with small breaks between 'groups.'

Well that's an interesting heart chart, maybe Bubbles can decipher it. I've got a good idea what some of those spikes are, section 'A' of the workout is to destroy my legs and I'm reasonably certain those two big spikes are me 'holding' the leg press for 8-10 seconds on each rep. I asked IronMan (because I'm an IDIOT) if I was suppose to 'hold' it legs extended or compressed which is mucho harder. IronMan says, "compressed." FIGURES! So, one, hold for eight to ten seconds, two, hold for eight to ten seconds, three, pray for death... you get the idea.

Section 'B' is designed to selectively destroy sections of my arms and chest. Bubbles doesn't want to carpet bomb my physic, no no no, where's the fun in that? So I get through that and my arms and chest feel it for most of the day.

Section 'C' is the Tai-chi section and I do my best with that but I'm gonna have to get a little help with it AGAIN, when it comes to coordination I'm so goofy!

Then its Abs work so that I can get through more of ABS.

Have a great day! :-)

The Dread Doctor

OH! OH! Today has started very well. Much has happened and I can't wait to relate it to you.

First of all Bubbles, never one to waste time in idle conversation has invented a new word!

Mutigue

[muh-teeg] - the combination of muscle and fatigue, the goal of any good workout! "That routine left me completely mutigued!"

How cool is that? I'm totally using that word!

I get up at 4:45am, enter the temporal vortex that surrounds the gym and start my tempo workout at 5:45am. I feel pretty good about that, only an hour lost today! I have no idea where that time goes, but probing by aliens is probably involved since I forgot to line my hat with tinfoil.

I'm hammering it out on the elliptical getting my HR up waiting for Bubbles, I'm looking forward to today because she's going to show me a mess-o-new-cardio and I'm going to get a new opportunity to bitch and moan about it!

Life is good.

I'm about five minutes into the routine when my addled mind informs me that it might be a good idea to actually turn the stupid Garmin on otherwise no one will believe my awesome feats, there will be no record.

Somewhere around six AM I hear Bubbles voice in the hallway yakking with awesomeGirl and I feel a twinge of nerves. It's kinda funny but now its showtime baby and I'm hoping this buttercup can keep up! I want to do twenty at a high HR before seeing what delights Bubbles has in mind for me and the first five minutes are lost, they didn't happen since the Garmin didn't record them. You follow my reasoning of course.

Bubbles comes over to the elliptical holding sheaths of paper and I ask/tell her that I have about ten more minutes to go - she's cool with that while eying my heart rate. Meanwhile IronMan has gotten off the bike and is looking for something to lift and I don't think goodMood was in the gym yet.

You know the lateral pull down machine, right? Ours sort of looks like this. Well IronMan walks over and grabs the bench one handed and moves the machine about five or six inches to the left! That boy is strong and it was so casual for him. He probably parallel parks his car by carrying it into the space.

Then he unhooks that pole the dude in the pic is pretending to pull down, puts his toes on the bench, holds himself out parallel to the floor in a plank using the bar for support and does push ups. This bores him so he does one arm ones.

I'm glancing, disbelieving, over at Bubbles seeing if she's catching this...

OH NO!

Bubbles isn't just catching this, she's actively studying it, honestly I can see the wheels turning, new horrors being invented right before my eyes!

I swear to Gawd IronMan if I end up in a tux, cane and top-hat reenacting Guys and Dolls - The Cardio Version for Bubbles' off Broadway show (following Zumba!) I'll...

Well I'll...

Blog it I guess, it sounds kinda fun.

::hums Puttin' on the Ritz::

Bubbles starts showing me the routines and I'm not going to blog it right now, instead I'm going to try each and every one of them and I'm going to blog them while the nightmare is fresh in my mind. The first one I'm going to try is called Beat It, 'nuff said.

Newsflash! AllyMcBeal is thinking of doing a FunRun and was wondering if I was going this Friday or not, knowing even walking she'll kick my ass on coronary hill. I tell her that I've been placed in this gym to make others look good which brings a smile and Bubbles might tag along as Ally's walking buddy. Ally has to walk for a few weeks until well enough to resume running. I bet if I can make it she and Bubbles will bring water balloons as motivational aids.

Will I go? I'm not sure - Saturday morning we leave for LA with my kids for Spring Break.

Bubbles introduces me to the rowing machine - I will get to play with that on a different cardio workout.

Then I get introduced to a new form of RackRun by Bubbles. You start at the highest weight with three reps, then go down a weight but increase the reps to four, etc. but you do pulses also. So you do three full curls (or hammers, or whatever) then three 'pulses' where you bring the weight up halfway (elbows at ninety degrees) fast. They destroy the bicep's will to live. Proceed to the next down the line.

I did one run like that, and then one regular run the way IronMan and goodMood showed me. While I was trying the run Kojak (thanks Kojak!) gave me a real pointer about staggering my feet while doing the curls. It stopped me from using my back pretty much at all!

RackRuns are great!

Time for ABS - YAY, OH YAY!

Bubbles didn't do much with the ball today (bows head in silent gratitude) and I lasted a bit longer, I also made a startling discovery! It's ALL ABOUT THE BELLY BUTTON!

mmhmm - who knew?

Unfortunately I'm still an 'innie' but I'm working on that. Here's the thing though, no matter what terrible ordeal you're going through in ABS (or walking for that matter) you want to, "pull the belly button into the spine" to put it in Bubbles' parlance. When I started doing that (no matter what else) the searing pain in my lower back ABATED and I could last longer on some of the things she was trying to have us do.

Go figure!

Next it's off to the doc. I actually have two docs, both whom I loveth. They keep a rather sharp eye on me when needed and I like them a lot as people. Anyway, I've given one of them the moniker, the dread doctor [Dr's Last Name] for various reason's that I'm not gonna go into. I'm excited to see the dreadDoctor, the last time she saw me I was a wreck, having not embarked on the path of Lactic Acid Righteousness! yet. Now I'm less wrecky!

First I'm shown to the scale by nurse prudishPants. She got that moniker because she really wasn't interested in debating exactly how much of my clothing I could remove at the scales. She could care less that I was out to wow the dreadDoctor with my weight loss and just wanted to move things along, allowing me to remove my coat but not my pants, sigh.

Then I'm escorted into this room where she takes my blood pressure and I finally get a smile when I ask her about the hope diamond she has on her left hand. She's getting married in September and I wished her all the best. She leaves and I don't wait long before I hear a quiet tap on the door.

The dreadDoctor enters and is looking great and in good spirits! I comment on this and we joke around a bit while she schedules some blood work (the dreadDoctor NEVER passes on a opportunity for a good bleeding!) and then she allows for whine time where I point out the various things that are ailing me.

I give her both barrels; telling her about my knee and my treacherous coccyx while introducing a slight quaver to my voice and a hint of lower lip quivering, a technique I learned from my daughter. The dreadDocter also has daughters however and I don't think she bought my Oscar worthy performance.

She starts poking around my knee and tries pulling my pants over it for a better look. That doesn't work, I figure she just wants to check out my thighs, I'm growing increasingly proud of my muscular thighs that Bubbles built and I can understand her curiosity, they are starting to approach magnificence! She pretends to ignore my dazzling thighs while poking around my knee, then she checked out the coccyx which was a little embarrassing since I've done very little gluteus maximus work. Finally she pronounces that I have tendinitis in the knee and what she's about to prescribe should clear up both it and the coccyx which she thinks is inflamed because I am just too self centered to buy a granny seat for my bike.

This wonder drug bears the street name of ULTRA-MEGA-IBUPROFEN (without the upset tummy feeling). Prescription only. So I take one a day for thirty days and all should be well.

While all this was going on I learned the following cool things about the dreadDoctor. She's a swimmer who can be roped into a triathlon event if you ask real pretty and need a swimmer. She gets her yucks by jumping off the side of barges in Lake Erie and swimming one mile to shore before her flesh dissolves or she grows a third eye (sorry, I remember the Lake Erie of old :-)). In short, she rockeths!

She was done with me, looking frankly in my eyes, she asks, "So how are you feeling?"

Grinning ear to ear I reply, "I feel GREAT!"

I owe that feeling to too many to name, but you know who you are :-)