This is better than National Geographic!

The pink poodle/elephant thing is moving with rapid intent down the sidewalk. Its speed is impressive given its puny size, the straightness of its path geometrically perfect. It's impossible to discern its objective but whatever it is it has its complete focus.

Sitting next to me on our porch across the street my son stirs and leans forward, "What is that THING?"

Thank God he sees it too! I murmur, "Make no sudden movements, we don't want to draw attention to ourselves. We must study its habits."

He sits back, softly replying, "Yes, yes."

We watch the little abomination continue on its linear course. Perhaps it's not focused on prey, perhaps it's in flight. I look further behind it. Ah, yes. In hot pursuit is a pink pig of equal stature, silently intent on bringing down the pink poodle prey.

I whisper, "Tell me you see the pig!"

"I do."

This is better than National Geographic! We quietly watch this silent passion play unfolding when we make the discovery that both beasts are in flight from their mother who rapidly corrals the two year old twins, their latest attempt at freedom thwarted by their size and bright pink costumes. One is a poodle, the other piglet.

She marches them across the street where my son and I wait by the sidewalk with our Halloween offerings. I try not to make eye contact while the poodle is lofted up onto mom's hip. This is a delicate moment and already I've done something wrong, messed up the protocol in some manner. The poodle glares balefully at me, waiting for me to redress this unknown affront, as imperial in her demeanor as any Chinese Mandarin.

With trembling hands I offer the bowl of candy. Her eyes fill with disdain and I'm...

I'm...

DENIED!

Ostrich like she buries her head in her mom's shoulder, shutting me out of existence. While this drama was unfolding piglet decided once again to break for freedom. I could tell piglet's latest attempt at liberty was doomed to failure. Mom was tracking her telemetry with a precision any NASA engineer would envy while simultaneously gabbing with my wife.

Apparently piglet yearns to be free of mom's suffocating yoke. This is not her first nor her last attempt.

So when the alarm goes off this morning I awoke from my candy induced nightmare of Good Piglet Hunting, with Bill starring as the conflicted mathematical genius piglet, hunted by all. I dress, drink a cup of joe and head into the gym for the hated intervals.

IronMan and goodMood are there destroying their abs. I annihilate myself on the bike and then go through Bubbles ABS routine. While doing that I'm gabbing with ponyTail (which is always fun) about various movies and what not. She's taking another day off and I envy her. She has to or she'll end up in some use/lose hell and lose isn't an option but trying to 'splain to your management that you'll be gone for six weeks isn't an option either.

What sort of nightmare company do I work for? Poor ponyTail! FORCED TO TAKE VACATION! I can't wait to see the made for TV movie!

Please send all donations to: Stop the Vacation Madness c/o Bill at this blog and I'll make sure the money is put to good use.

I promise.

Really...

Sooner or Later, Your Legs Give Way, You Hit the Ground

DAMMIT! I'm busted by JRock trying to sneak past the United Way armada arrayed in the lobby at work. She's making 'come hither' motions while I stare blearily back at her while trying to hide the fact that I'm leaning on the elevator button.

JRock is dealing in death today, the table, even from the twenty feet I'm standing from it, is covered in death, death for charity. Cookies, fudge, rice crispy treats, all sorts of ways to die, sanctioned by the United Way. Well not sanctioned exactly - you can just give them money and not buy the Buckeyes of Torment for all they care, but they're good, real good!

I dart into the elevator refusing to make further eye contact after promising to be back and ponder the day's events at the gym.

I get up late, get into the gym late and am finally dragged from the locker room by IronMan who's waited long enough for my candy ass to make an appearance. It's good to see him, his truck has been repaired which he was lamenting since he was quite enjoying being chauffeured all about town. awesomeGirl gives me a big grin and I focus on the upright bike.

Today is suppose to be some sort of twenty minute tempo workout on the bike (followed by Bubbles' ABS for itsy-bitsy baby Bill who refuses to man up to the REAL ABS course).

Um, OK.

I set the bike up, hop on and start slowly pedaling, looking around noting the otherPonyTail was already hard at work (I am late huh?). goodMood's music station has changed format or something, it's filled with whiny slow, screw me I'm sensitive Jackson Brown crap. I can feel it already sapping my will to live so I grab the iPod buds, mash them in and glance over at a confused goodMood who's on an elliptical of all things wondering aloud how that happened and why wasn't he on the stair climber.

Poor bastard, he's on his own. Filled with righteous Darwinism I flip on the iPod, mash 'Quick Start' set the level to seven and immediately go for a cadence over 100. It's a near sprint for me. I close my eyes and hammer out the cadence to the music feeling the need for fast tempo work.

I'm not sure when I made the decision but I think it was around minute three. I popped the level up to eight and decided to hold my cadence above 100 for the entire workout or until exhaustion hit, whichever came first. I didn't care.

I was able to use most of the songs to hold the cadence except for Counting Crows Round Here.

Round here, we don't need this song...

I'm doing my best to keep my eyes shut, loosing myself in whatever tune is playing and occasionally peeking at the cadence which usually read around 102. The last five minutes were tough, the last minute wasn't too bad but I was nervous about the stats and sprinting any harder was out of the question. When the twenty minutes were up I hit stop and pedaled along looking for the two stats I was most interested in...

Average Level 7.7
Average Cadence 101

I staggered around a bit cleaning the bike before starting ABS when I noticed, hey I'm alone! How did that happen? I AM LATE!

I'm on my last ABS routine laying flat on my back with a stability ball between my feet deciding whether to nap or do the exercise when Bubbles strolls over and asks what I'm doing. She's had enough of my 'gentleman exerciser' gig I guess so I do eight of them before breaking, rest for twenty seconds or so and then do four more. Done.

Bubbles is in front of a TV monitor staring at the highlights from last nights Cavaliers' game. myPeg is behind her on an elliptical watching too. Bubbles is trying to use her formidable mental powers to alter reality and change the outcome of the game but to no avail. I'm wondering what the heck pro basketball is doing on in the first place and why baseball is going into November? Pretty soon all this madness will be on year round, twenty-four seven. I liked it better when there were seasons for this stuff, but that's just me I guess, some old fogey, but there use to be this anticipation, now it feels like more of the same.

I stagger into the locker room kinda shakey (hypoglycemic? probably). Sit around for a few and then shower, weigh in (lost a pound ::shrug::), dress and head out into a whole new world!

The gym has been transformed. Odd. Gone is the quiet desperation of the morning crew, that let's get this over with vibe. There are unicorns and pixies and flowers and joy and... well there was joy anyway. I see noNeed over on an upright grinning, happyGirl two bikes down giggling with Quality sitting between them reading the newspaper on a recumbent.

As I stroll over I note EVERY machine is in use except the two stair climbers, filled with happy to be here people.

Weirdos.

I feel like a Russian novelist struggling in some gulag next to them. Where is the Sturm und Drang so prevalent with the morning crew?

Two dozen other stupid reasons
Why we should suffer for this
Don't bother trying to explain them
Just hold my hand while I come
To a decision on it

I'm envious. I shoot the breeze with noNeed and happyGirl for a few before heading into JRock's carefully laid trap. And yeah, I went back and got some tasty cookies and a little something for the wife along with breakfast.

Temperamental Tuesday and the Zen of Trepidation

I feel better today than yesterday. At least right now. I've got a whole day in front of me.

I entered the empty gym listening to the quiet huffing of AT Everest as she continued her assault on Mt. Everest. The girl will never summit, but I don't think she'll give up. awesomeGirl shows up a bit later and both of us share dark moods on this temperamental Tuesday with quiet mutterings about lack of desire being here. I'm beginning to think it gets like that, but I hope you break out of it or at least get use to it.

It's kinda lacking fun at the moment, more like required work. When did it become required? My wife (who, for the record, I loveth) gave me the what for last night when I was busted for indulging in my second piece of birthday cake. She was telling me, "You've worked so hard!" with a hint of fear in her voice. Trepidation at the return of Flabby Bill. We've been married for awhile so she knows me, and knows that my recent musings in this blog are no laughing matter.

Still, I glared at her as I was stomping back to the garage where we keep the corpse of my birthday cake refrigerated, carrying said cake close to my chest like a newborn. I was thinking, "Yes, I've worked so hard, I've been under a lot of pressure of late, it is my birthday, and if I want to eat my cake I should be able to without anyone shooting off flares and calling the police." I kept these thoughts to myself because I didn't want to tangle over it.

So, who's right?

Both of us.

I weighed in a pound lighter than yesterday but that doesn't matter much, what matters is holding this weight until I'm ready to make another move on it. So I'm grateful that my wife cares. I also want extra cake at times too though.

I'm wrapping up my workout this morning when J-TOSRV asks, "When are you going to spin class?" this was after bikerBabe posted on facebook a similar thought, "Maybe you should join me for a few spinning classes at the Rec Center to mix it up some. I'll let you know when I'm going and show you the ropes your first class. It would be a change of pace, but doesn't remove the stressor." AND my wife in the car after lunch saying, hmmmmm, I don't know... MAYBE I SHOULD JOIN A SPIN CLASS?

I've done a spin class so I don't have that deer in the headlights look I had when I went on the Fun Run. I know exactly what this class is all about.

Super, have a birthday and you get to face the Secret Spin Cabal!

sigh - we all know it's gonna happen...

Sixties Idiot

Gawd I hate intervals! I had a rough night falling asleep, not sure why probably worrying about the stupid intervals, but when the alarm went off this morning I turned it off and snuggled back up to my wife. It could have been due to the brutal partying I did on Sunday, my birthday.

Well let's see, what did I get? Well besides an AWESOME family I got some prezzies. A bicycle repair book and a movie from my wife. The bicycle repair book pretty much taught me that I should call a mechanic. My son gave me a very funny self made birthday card along with a mirror for my bike helmet, a towel the size of a half dollar (just add water! Huh? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of a towel?), and some energy packs of various varieties for me to try on my next epic bike ride. My daughter gave me a nice water bottle that I have next to me at the office here. And my parents gave me a some money and my in-laws sent a nice card from Poland. Then we went and played 18 holes of Frisbee golf which was a lot of fun.

The cake was classic, wanna see?

Nothing says Happy Birthday like Spongebob!

So this morning I woke up not feeling the best. Flu? Not sure, I'm not achy or anything but I'm tired and a tad pukey feeling. I make my morning coffee and ponder this upcoming Monday, sigh, and head into the gym.

I'm late (for me) but awesomeGirl, AT Everest, goodMood, ponyTail, the otherPonyTail, and a few others are there. I get on an upright bike and do the intervals. I'm not exactly discouraged but I'm definitely not in the mood and I'm SICK of being not in the mood! I'm also growing annoyed with my fear of pain and putting off the next level of these intervals. I've been doing one minute work, two minutes recovery forever. Next step is to do one minute work, one minute thirty seconds recovery leading to one minute work, one minute recovery.

Whatever.

So I made myself do the one on two off intervals. Late into the gym if I was to accomplish anything at all it was gonna be those hated intervals. I staggered around feeling crappy, wiped the machine down and did a few ABS but a lot of stretches. Weighed in at 203 (GROAN but who am I kidding, did you SEE that Spongebob cake???).

I say hi to J-TOSRV who's gotten off the stairclimber and on to an upright bike. She's punishing herself in ways I can't imagine, well OK I can imagine but I won't go there - whatever crimes she's atoning for are her's alone. Her hubby, D-TOSRV is recuperating from an ailment and I ask how he's doing. Fine I hear, which is good in case you're wondering about him.

I'll deal with the weight later, right now I'm a sixties idiot trying to 'find myself' in the gym again.

Slow Burn Saturday

Chicks... go figure :-)

Ahhhh that's more like it, brings back memories... not the cat you dolts but today's workout! I strolled into the gym cranked up the ol' sauna, plopped onto a recumbent, set it for 'Fat Burn', fifty minutes, level seven and went. I held the cadence above 70 for the whole thing and watched worthless news.

TomS was right, commercials are tough when you're on the bike.

noNeed and happyGirl along with happyGirl's hubby (who will need a name but not today) showed up as I was finishing up and heading out. It was good to see them, they normally work a different shift then I do.

I took a nice sauna and came out feeling pretty good about it all. Tomorrow I might do some lifting if I get up early enough.

The Glowering Goodness - Beginnings

Um, what is required (particularly after today's fun) is one of those legendary three to four day benders. You know, where you wake up in Mexican opium den married to a goat named Becccckkkkkkkkiiieee owing a serious amount of coin to 'the cartel.' - Bill on 'Required Depravity'

Oh boy, yesterday was fun let me tell ya! Good times, good times. We ended up bouncing the system, which was completely engulfed in threads, three consecutive times. The third time emergency installing software we intended to install on Sunday. That seemed to calm things down for a bit anyway.

I was so stressed from the thing that I was in bed around 8:30 and slept until the alarm went off. I went into the gym not in the mood but managed to do Bubbles' ABS workout. I saw awesomeGirl doing some sort of forced march on the treadmill, IronMan was destroying his ABS and goodMood was high upon his StairMaster throne. Diablo was strolling around still married and happy doing his Diablo thing.

But where is ponyTail? She's been AWOL for awhile now, rumor has it she's combating one of those trendy flu bugs but I managed to catch a glimpse of her yesterday so I'm suspicious. Word on FaceBook (WHICH NEVER LIES!) is that there's a new superhero in town, a paint roller wielding mom that goes by the moniker The Glowering Goodness!

ponyTail can glower, I've seen her. Could it be? Well my wife can glower too... hmmmm in fact all women can glower, well when they're looking at me anyway. Ferreting out this mystery might be tougher than I thought... I could just rename ponyTail to theGloweringGoodness and be done with it, but suppose I'm wrong? I'd probably come home and find my bedroom painted a sickly yellow and my wife (glowering at me) saying, "I see you pissed off the Glowering Goodness - great job hon, really!"

I wrap up my ABS and come to work almost hopeful that I can start steering through these troubled thready waters towards my holy grail, The Routine.

Well I've got to mop up these threads, messy buggers. Have an idyllic weekend and if you plan to misbehave, like I so desperately want to... BEWARE of The Glowering Goodness!

Stress and Promises

I'm on autopilot. I went into the gym and did a half-assed version of the Thursday routine. I did most of the routines but my heart wasn't in it. I noticed that I'm going to have to do more (more like any, even one) stretches since I was feeling particularly stiff.

As I was unlocking my empty locker which is just totally surreal when you think about the circumstances that lead to that little measure I noticed the sauna was set to 'fat melt' or 10. I made a mental note to take one after the workout. I miss them.

On my way into the gym my jaw mentally drops as I see a sweat covered MarathonMan staggering towards me. He tells me he's coming back and actually picks up my spirits a bit telling me that we all go through these kind of burnout funks. We're staring at the gym wall that is plastered with all this Dealing With Stress wisdom. As I skim it one of the tips makes me smile ruefully:

Remove the Stressor

Um, yeah. I've been trying to 'remove the stressor' for almost four months now. I would LOVE to remove the stressor! My problem is the stressor has other thoughts.

There was all this other babble about healthy ways of dealing with stress, like massages and scented candles...

mmhmm

Where my head's at I'm far more interested in UNhealthy ways of dealing with stress at the moment. Bill's way past the healthy option here. No, no, no we're deep into the land of inappropriate ways of dealing with stress and coping with incredible guilt the morning after now. It's the only possibility. It's the right thing to do!

Quality time with the demons is now required. I'm not sure when that's gonna happen but it IS gonna happen.

I fill out the Fall Fitness BINGO card which is a new game they're trying at the gym. I'll see how that goes, you can win prizes like a Gas Card but what's intriguing to me is the attempt to try something new.

I totally blew that last game they had down those lines but maybe I'll find time to

• Take a ZUMBA class - again
• Play Racquetball - hmmmm
• Research the calorie, fat and sodium content of your favorite restaurant meal
• Take a strength training or cardio kick class

There are some goofy ones in there too but they're low hanging fruit

• Take 5 slow deep breaths & think of beautiful mountain vistas and coastal sunsets
• Football toss - complete 2 of 10 tosses
• Corn hole toss - complete 2 of 10 tosses
• Wear your favorite team t-shirt

Who knows - I've already lost two cards so I'm not sure I'll get into the grand prize drawings or whatnot but I'd rather be in ZUMBA or complaining about some new horror course - baby steps.

Keep focused on the stressor at hand, keep the promise of blowing off serious steam with the demons once it's addressed and then ZUMBA my butt off.

I sit in the sauna, I do not sweat. Stupid sauna.

Back On The Farm...

I'm standing at the edge of the farm looking around and deciding what to do. Naturally I can't make up my mind, all I know is my routine is so busted that I'm starting to wonder if I can ever get it back or if I even want to.

Bill needs routine though but what does that mean? With exercise there's a required regimentation, a discipline that must be adhered to or the whole thing goes spinning wildly out of control. Cracks are showing all over the place, tiny little cracks but like Egg Shen says, "See? That was nothing. But that's how it always begins. Very small."

I'm not sure what I'm trying to tell you. Maybe, this ain't easy? That you're gonna hit rough patches where you just want to shut down, give up and return to the easier path. I'm starting to get a taste of that, and I've been at this, what? ::counts fingers:: nine months or so, not even a year.

I don't know what to do, I'm in uncharted territory. Well unless I head down the well worn path of giving up. But there's nothing you can do to help, this is a personal battle, as in very personal.

So I'm trying crap and very obviously whining about my lack of finding a panacea. Sorry about that, call it a coping mechanism.

I'm not ready to give up... yet. The cost/benefit is waayyyyy on the benefit side but honestly, after awhile, this workout stuff is a pain in the ass. So whatcha gonna do bobalou?

• I keep thinking about my wife screaming her fool head off at the kid's soccer games, "JUST ONE MORE!" So I'm getting up and making myself go into the gym just one more day.
• I think about how desperate she is to buy me new clothes because I'll look better in them and how proud she and my family are of me.
• I think about how in general I feel better, and feel better about myself.
• I'm using this Lose It! iPhone app again and being ruthlessly honest with what I'm eating. I'm weighing daily (currently at 203) and not really trying to get to 190 at the moment. Just keeping an eye on things, a holding pattern.
• I'm trying (halfheartedly) to play Bubbles BINGO game and I'll describe that maybe tomorrow.

And at the moment, that's about it.

So I'm pretty much off the farm.

I stroll into the gym around 5:30am and hop on an upright bike figuring I'll do a twenty minute 'tempo' workout. I modified it though and decided after around five minutes of warm up to set the level at 7 and hammer a cadence over 100 for fifteen minutes. Some music helped (a lot) and other slower ones didn't.

IronMan is sitting next to me on a recumbent eating his biscuits and gravy, lounging around yakking to anyone who'll listen about whatever is floating through that pretty head of his at the moment. He reminded me so much of me that I figured this was his way of payback when I'm in a similar loquacious mood. Plus it's Wednesday his normal day off so anything he does is extra benefit.

I wrap up, hop off the bike, wipe it down and end up heading down the hallway towards the basketball court with IronMan and awesomeGirl to do some of those bear crawls/lung walks. awesomeGirl asks how many we normally do?

"Seventeen"

She stares at me with distrusting owl eyes, "Oh you do NOT!"

Well OK we do two but in binary that's expressed as 10. I think I'm going to start expressing all my repetitions in binary, so my fifteen 'situps/getups' would be 1111, impressive!

Anyway IronMan and awesomeGirl kick my butt getting down and back way ahead of me.

sigh

After I'm done vomiting and wishing I was dead I head back into the gym and do part of Bubbles' ABS routine. Not all of it, though.

I'm a bad, bad boy.

I'm off the farm.

but what will you do when

you run it through and

you can't get me back on the farm?

- Aimee Mann

98.6

All was quiet in the gym today. I got there and it was just AT Everest and me for awhile until awesomeGirl and IronMan strolled in. I suffered on the BOSU trying to do these one leg things. I blow at them and end up looking like a drunk on the silly thing.

I'm not sure what I need here, motivation? Work continues to wear and this is a real struggle for yours truly. I'm tired today, perhaps I caught the trendy swine flu that seems to be gripping the nation. My daughter came back from CCD yesterday looking grim and sad while she trudged upstairs to take her temperature, convinced she was next to wear the surgeon's mask since she didn't feel 'good.'

A bit later she miserably calls down, "98.6" her voice filled with the knowledge of upcoming weeks laying on her deathbed watching SpongeBob Squarepants.

"Um, yeah, that's a normal temp."

"It is?"

"Mmmhmm."

Crises averted we resumed our normal family life.

And that's what I pine for, a return to normality across the board. Now don't get me wrong my family life is awesome so if the great Gog is gonna say it's one or the other then I'm picking the current status-quo.

I did Bubbles' Tuesday routine and as I type this I realize I have yet to enter those routines here - sigh. Had a nice walk with my wife last night and when I weighed in this morning saw that I managed to put on two pounds overnight.

Am I PMSing? What gives with this funky fatigue? Oh well, life bangs on and so must I. First thing I'm gonna do is start counting calories again and then see if I can find out why I'm so tired, swine flu? I'm eating well and taking my vitamins, upcoming birthday? Whatever it is it is mine to deal with but at the moment I just want some downtime from work and that wont happen anytime soon (soon meaning, um, now).

Have a great day. On the plus side I'm gonna toss a hardball with my daughter after work, I'm looking forward to that.

The Tao of IronMan

First things first:

A HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY to AWESOMEGIRL!!! 

(Her birthday was on Saturday)

One woe doth tread upon another's heel, so fast they follow...

Friday: Well it's the return of the threads, and so what? I'm beyond exasperated at this point and learned helplessness has set in. That was the attitude I woke up with this morning and foolishly glanced at my email. More fun was had last night as the threads cavort and pursue their evil mischief.

So I was going to go into the gym, change and go to work all mopey and crap, full of woe is me. However I happen to glance in and see IronMan huffing away on a recumbent so I put my stuff in my locker and go over and tell IronMan my sad, sad tale.

He hops off the bike and say, "Come with me."

The next thing I know I'm doing bear-crawls across the length of the basketball court and lunge steps on the way back. On the second trip with the bear crawls my legs give out at midcourt. I manage to resume and end up losing total body function and go slamming into the wall a heaving, gasping wreck.

And they say exercise isn't fun.

I manage to lunge walk back and I am done with that! I had the illusion I was in fair shape until I did that nightmare. I wistfully eye the defibrillator and oxygen tank as I head back down the hallway. The rest was IronMan's ABS class which tore me up pretty well.

And when it was all said and done I felt better and was glad I did it.

Thanks IronMan.

It's Sunday now and I'm wondering how to do a work out. My daughter wants to toss the baseball and my son wants to play frisbee golf. I want to encourage both activities, number one because I enjoy them and number two because it gets them away from computer monitors. Will I get to the gym? Not sure but I hope so.

The gym and baseball never happened but seven or so holes of frisbee golf did! We all enjoy it, well except my wife who's struggling with her throw. Did you know there are frisbee discs specifically for golf? When you think about it, of course there are but I had no idea. We got some but alas they didn't help much, but my son followed by my daughter tend to dominate the game. This is what it looks like when Bill plays:

It's fun. I plan to get my wife out in the back yard and work with her on her toss (not that mine is any great shakes but currently it's better than hers).

Then Monday rolled around and it's back on the gerbil wheel. I decided to do a 35 minute tempo burn and then see how I felt after that which was tired. I have to go into work and write somethings up so I'm feeling a little time crunched so I did the bear-crawl/lunges across the basketball court thing.

Well one of them anyway, it jacked my HR up to 144 and destroyed my thighs so I waddled back into the gym where I was put to harsh interrogation by IronMan.

"How many did you do?"

"One."

"Awww come on you can do more than that! Come with me."

So, at gunpoint, I was taken back into the basketball court by IronMan and made to do another. I barely beat him in the bear-crawl but had my butt handed to me on the lunges back. HR got up to 155 on that one.

Then, we headed back into the gym where we sang (in beauteous harmony) Happy Birthday to awesomeGirl. This irritated goodMood since we hit such beautiful notes it shorted out the stair climber he was on and he had to reprogram it.

The Tao of IronMan can best be summed up like this, "Do one more than you think you can and do all of them to the best of your ability."

The Tao of Bill for today: It's Monday - deal with it!

In the Grip of the Threads

Well last night was fun... The issues with the system continue and it stresses me out like no tomorrow when I'm in the grip of the threads.

I staggered into the gym today and did the Thursday routine but... anyway I went through the motions and I'm not sure how to keep any motivation going at this point. I know exercise is suppose to help when one is in the grip of the threads but after awhile confusion sets in and I lose sight of importance.

Is it more important to try and sleep and show up at work early to attack an ephemeral issue that some very big brains can't identify?

Is it more important to try and sleep and exercise with increasing feelings of fatigue because you were thrown off schedule the previous evening dealing with the threads?

Kind of a judgment call huh? I opted for the gym and spent a distracted hour kinda working out - sigh.

Not sure how to deal with this, maybe experience will better guide me in the future. Not that I EVER want to experience this again.

Have a great day!

Well THAT Figures

Last night was spent monitoring the system, seeing all was well and waking up to an outage. Good times. Needless to say I overslept and only did a minimal ABS workout while yakking with ponyTail and goodMood. That was fun!

I need to get "The Troubles" behind me. Keep thinking I have and then they come back - sigh.

Yesterday awesomeGirl approached me about starting a blog. I'm going to give her a hand with it and point to it off this one once it's up.

Work beckons...

Soon to be Epic

TomS sent the following email in response to my reaction to his new trainer:

Should we, at our advanced age, be throwing down the gauntlet like this? Even in our best physical condition, the most we can hope for is to not be incapacitated by cramping or other maladies following our ride.

This competition will hold as much interest as the epic matchup between the Browns and the Bills this past Sunday. A 6-3 exhibition of football excellence.

I can only HOPE our competition will generate the same interest as the Browns vs. the Bills! Anyway I had to give a mature, reasoned reply:

I DIDN'T BUY THE TRAINER DID I? BUBBLES IS GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!

And she will, if I can talk her into it, and I think I can. If I can do anything well, it's whine.

If I can't talk her into it because she's a new mom or some such nonsense, well then I'll pay intoIt to do it, or goFast. Either one of them could act as my 'second' in this matter. I mean I'm still stunned at TomS's effrontery! A trainer? How much more in your face can you get?

But both intoIt and goFast will pass, somethings are just too easy and I already know my wife wont do it or my worthless kids so that leaves... me.

I figure when TomS and I square off it should be a century, first ride of the season. That way we can get it behind us, the century that is. We wont have that puppy weighing on our conscious, it's done.

Plus, two middle aged men tearing down the road in the full grip of recapturing lost youth and totally unprepared for a century is very, VERY...

blogable :-)

Instead of the Trek I was eying I'm now thinking about this- BEHOLD!

It should give me a slight advantage, if I don't run out of gas.

Finally TomS followed up with his first Trainer Report:

Riding on a trainer is BORING! One better have something interesting on the tube or the time will crawl by. I thought Obamacare or whatever entitlement our President is attempting to implement was being funded by various television networks. I could have sworn the commercial breaks lasted 10 minutes or more while on the trainer.

I've completed 3, half hour sessions on the thing. My average cost is down to $110 per session. I sure hope this average improves.

Overall this thing is going to require some discipline. I hope I am up to it. I plan on adding 5 minutes to the overall riding time as I go with this thing. Right now I can't imagine how these guys go 2 1/2 hours on a trainer.

Bottom Line: I HAVE TO DO THIS.

There is not other way to look at it.

Well overlooking the obvious, that he could just bag the whole thing and give me his trainer how can my readership help? Riding a stationary bike is just as boring except for the people about, but sooner or later it ends up being just you and hellish device you've chosen. I have a wall of high def TVs to gaze at in the gym but in the end TV doesn't help me. So I suggested the iPod, that works best for me.

Your thoughts? Since he's home (mostly) alone, maybe porn?

Let me know what porn works best for you and I'll pass the info onto TomS or blog it for the vast collective.

I got to the gym fairly early again today. AT Everest was there ahead of me. Since it's Tuesday Bubbles has laid out a bunch of routines that don't involve cardio. IronMan strolled in as I was finishing up the dynamic warmup so I just had to gab while he pretended to push pedals on a recumbent. Eventually I bored him enough that he made me, MADE ME finish up the routines Bubbles laid out.

We're both disappointed with The Biggest Loser so far. I keep tuning in hoping to see a preview of some insane stunt IronMan will try the next day but all we're getting is crybaby whining ::rolls eyes::

Whatev.

goodMood and awesomeGirl showed up. awesomeGirl was a bit cranky and called me a bad name when I was trying to help her do an exercise properly. Bubbles was in the full grip of allergies looking all H1N1 while showing AT Everest a new program. Bubbles is now at the halfway mark of her pregnancy and proud of her ever increasing belly. An odd point of view for a trainer but she's probably ravaged with hormones at the moment.

Have a great day!

Warning Signs

I have a very busy day ahead of me. However my blood ran cold when I received the following pic from TomS

The implications weren't lost on my paranoid mind! I was staring at a Kurt Kinetic Pro Trainer!!! TomS was letting fly with the opening salvo of Spring 2010.

He plans to crush me on some casual road ride by training all winter long!

How to counter? HOW TO COUNTER??!!

Well I have plans for a new nonexistent bike but now I'm probably going to need a power meter too but the one I'm interested in doesn't even exist. Should I buy a powertap or just wait?

::grabs a paper sack and starts hyperventilating into it::

Oh I know YOU don't understand gentle reader but that's simply because you don't have The Rest of the Story! You see TomS hasn't run just one marathon, he's run TWO! He's got the will and know how to crush me s-l-o-w-l-y.

Well I've got this book, at least until the library demands it back and I've got Bubbles who will help. So...

BOOK + BUBBLES = VICTORY!

AND I've managed to remove Bill from the equation! Gosh, I'm a genius! No... I'm a SUPER-GENIUS!

So Bubbles and that book will take care of TomS. phew! Her kid in the Burley will probably make it a bit harder on her with drag and all but I know Bubbles can do it!

Thanks Bubbles!

It seemed like business as usual at the gym today, no strange dimensions were intersected, no AT Everest on the recumbent weirdness. The usual crew, all was calm... perhaps too calm. Hard to say at this point in time.

I need to start manning up on the cardio and push it a bit there, go to the next phase of Bubbles routine. I did the regular thirty minute one and the ABS like the good boy I am.

I hope you have a wonderful day!

Lost In Space

ponyTail is convinced she's hopping between alternate universes. She's identified four so far, The Universe of No Recollection, The Universe of the Endless Meeting, The Universe of the Whiny Kids, and her favorite I suspect, The Universe of Beer or Tequila with the Girls.

I watch her closely from the upright bike trying to decide if I should tell her or not...

I'm pretty sure I caused it, this overlap of alternate universes with various intersections into heaven or hell, and it's growing increasingly unstable. This morning I come into the gym around 5:30am (the gym appears to be one of the focal points) and IronMan and awesomeGirl are already there! Since I know what's going on, I know enough to act perfectly casual and ask no questions. The last time I asked questions I was shoved into a psych ward, pumped full of Thorazine and 'observed' for twenty four hours.

I feel bad having caused this, that Karma thing again I guess. Well maybe not. You see I was in a meeting room recently and there's this handwritten sign on the wall, in red sharpie that reads, "Do NOT push this button!" Oh COME ON! You would have pushed it too!

awesomeGirl strolls over like it's utterly normal for her to be here at this hour and asks, "Is that allyMcBeal on the StairClimber?"

I glance over, gasp and stage whisper, "You see her?!"

She looks at me suspiciously, "Of course I see her! Who is she?"

"ghostGirl!!!"

"Well who the heck is ghostGirl?!"

"I don't know!!!"

And suddenly I'm back on the bike, uh oh, it's getting worse! I'm rasping for breath and AT Everest is on a recombinant next to me... WHY ISN'T SHE ON HER BELOVED ELLIPTICAL??!! While ponyTail hums along on a treadmill and ghostGirl is still on the StairClimber looking rather bored with all universe shifting going on. Sweat is pouring into my eyes and I'm wondering how long I've been doing this work interval when suddenly ponyTail is on my left working with the dumbbells...

Weird.

I'm about to enter another work interval when badMood enters the gym looking incredibly surly. I pretend to adjust the iPhone and snap this picture before entering the next work interval.

badMood

badMood is on the StairClimber laughing while evilIronMan whips me with an exercise strap giggling, "Faster, harder!" and I'm feeling the moorings coming undone and I still have some fight left but I'm simply...

Lost in space above all drifting
To a place where planets shifting
The moon erased, it's features lifting
The glare

But I am the stuff of happy endings
Though mostly bluff, belief suspending
But close enough for just pretending
To care

And I'm pretending to care
When I'm not even there
Gone but I don't know where
-Aimee Mann

Just when I thought I was out... they pull me back in.

'The Troubles' reappeared. These are technical issues and I thought we had resolved them but alas no. It is ongoing and I'm sick of being reactive to it and am going to go more proactive on the things I can effect.

I got a support call last night that I had to deal with (along with others, Bill is not alone in this) so when I got up I was not in the mood to work out. Being a creature of habit I did show up at the gym and gabbed with IronMan, Kingsley, awesomeGirl and goodMood. AT Everest was even there having survived my attempt at manslaughter yesterday. I didn't even need a shower (the hot water has been restored) though I did towel my jaw off, it got a pretty good workout.

I was soooo hoping to talk about this book today but it will have to wait. I want to geek out with Bubbles over it and figure out how we should tackle my attempt next spring at a century (100 miles) on the bike. Plus, when I ride with TomS, I simply must drop him, in short I don't want to be the wheezy one. Alas gab about the aerobic engine, glycolytic energy systems, overload and recovery principals, VO2max and the dreaded lactate threshold will have to wait for another day.

I have other things to do at the moment.

The Great Gom

"Where are we with that medicinal marijuana?"

Bubbles stares up at me from behind her desk, the top of her red head and eyes peer out above her monitor. She's amused, "Well I know I don't have any."

Well of course she doesn't have any, she's I don't know how pregnant at this point except she resembles a serious beer drinker with that gut of hers. What's her lack of medicinal pot have to do with anything? I'm in real trouble here and it's time to take grave action if I'm ever going to get right with the Great Gom, the fiendish little Karma imp that's wrecking my life at the moment.

"Well write me a script for it then."

"I'm not a physician."

AGAIN, what's that have to do with anything?!

"Well exactly what does that highfalutin degree of yours get you then if you can't write me a script for much needed medicinal marijuana? BILL HAS NEEDS!"

"Well I can get various certifications. I don't ever want to stop learning, my field changes all the time."

Super. She plans on learning new ways to destroy shunned, stinky Bill. I'm obviously going to have to think of a new way of appeasing the Great Gom. I had plans to build a temple in the basement, put on some Doors music, find a bong and commune with Jim Morrison. I figure he could help me break on through to the other side and I could get to the bottom of this Karmic nightmare once and for all.

Mentally wadding that idea up and tossing it in the metaphoric trashcan I realize I'm going to have to rethink this. It was a good plan too, darn it. The Great Gom has blocked access to direct contact through medicine and sixties music spirituality. He wants to kill me.

What I'm worried about is my black hole Karma is now effecting others, my dark aura enfolding others like Satan's smog. This is day two of frosty showers and many of us are bailing over to 'the big house.' AT Everest wants to also but she needs a ride forcing me to rip through the ABS routine the way Bubbles intended it as opposed to the Bill way of complaining about it and goofing off between each set. Her eyesight isn't that great and none of us are keen on having her brave the chilly October morn in her gym attire, she needs a ride, I offer one. Fool that I am.

So I take the lady gently by the elbow and steer her to my car and we chat about this and that before heading into the building off parking lot 6. The parking lot is well lit as I steer her for the doors and I'm about to make a particularly witty remark I'm certain when she suddenly vanishes.

Poof!

Oh no.

I look down and she's sprawled out on the sidewalk having tripped over a four inch lip that separates the parking lot from the sidewalk. It never occurred to me to call that obstacle out to her. I help her up apologizing the whole time. I feel beyond horrible. She's sporting a nice cut on her knee to boot. Great, just great.

I leave her by the elevators and grab some bandages and antiseptic wipes from the first aid station before dropping her off at the woman's locker.

I'm so sorry AT Everest! I hope your knee is OK!

So how do I get this Great Gom off my back?!

My time is running out. I sense, peripherally, my impending doom. If you're not part of the mob carrying pitchforks and torches you'll probably watch sadly as I'm actively hunted and brought down on the security cameras or uTube. Me, the Karmic monster, shunned stinky Bill.

Karma's Doghouse

I deserve all I get. I certainly deserve this icy stream of water flowing over me. I bolted upright in my bed this morning at 3:55am, having spent the last thirty minutes playing doze but don't let the alarm go off! It's a fun game if you're into being tired. I'm not. Next time it happens (probably tomorrow) I'm just gonna get out of bed and go to the gym.

I'm doomed. I'm moping around the house and finally send the email, "I have no excuse. Yesterday got totally away from me - I will call you today and grovel - I'm sorry mom, Happy Belated Birthday!!!"

I forgot my mother's birthday and can already feel my father's ire, his upcoming pronouncement, "Bill shall be SHUNNED! SHUN HIM!!!" and then they will all turn away from bumbling Bill, the shunned one.

I bet my sister didn't forget, damn her!

So evil Karma is still dishing out vengeance for what I did in some past life I guess. I must have snubbed Shirley MacLaine or something. I'll probably pull a hammy at the gym today to boot. I feel awful about mom.

I hammer through Bubbles' Tuesday routine and the gym is filling with life which is nice. IronMan is there along with AT Everest, Kingsley, awesomeGirl, goodMood and Kojak.

Kojak? I thought he was dead. I mean I hadn't seen him in forever so I just figured... well anyway he's kinda hard to recognize with the beard, like he's trying out for prison or something. Bubbles is walking him through some routine and I try not to make too much eye contact, I think he can sense I'm in Karma's doghouse. Kojak also was sporting a clear water bottle as opposed to his trademark Mountain Dew one, but I just shrugged that off as a sign of the apocalypse and nothing to do with my current woes.

I note I have yet to master the zen art of standing on a BOSU ball while holding one leg up and curling 8lb dumbbells, dejected, I head for the showers.

Once again Karma doth smite me! Apparently there was some leak that came from the womens ceiling (what the ladies were doing on the ceiling, hanging from the pipes don't ask me, women remain a mystery to yours truly) that necessitated turning off the hot water. IronMan had sprinted ahead of me and was working up a furious lather in his stall while I was just starting my 'pre-rinse' cycle when the screaming started. The cold water that hit me was quite invigorating if you're into jumping into ice covered lakes (I'm not) and made me wish I had my HR monitor on so that I'd know what my maxHR was but alas no. Karma is nothing if not capricious. At least I wasn't covered in soap bubbles like apparently poor IronMan was, his screams had Bubbles standing nervously near the doorway when we exited.

I suspect my day will continue on its downward slope.

I remain somewhat slightly shunned and stinky,

Bill

Hey now, if you forgot mom's birthday,
And you got a tale to tell.
Just take a walk down lonely street
To Karma's doghouse.

Welcome to Monday

Happy Birthday Mom!!!

Well that might keep me in the will for awhile... :-)

Let's see, I have all the portents of a truly crappy week ahead of me ('cept for mom's bday), in short Monday has not started well. I'll just get the unpleasantness out of the way.

I woke up at 3am, dozed off and on and finally went to the second alarm at 3:50am (set to go off at 5:07am), snuggled the wife real savage like and finally lumbered out of bed like a bear awoken too early from hibernation stumbling about a cold cold room at 4:20. I did not want to go into the gym today, had no problems fully embracing my Sunday rest day and... bleh.

So I sit on the couch and drink my morning coffee and finally head in, irked with my whiny butt. I'm still in a bit of denial about the whole 'fall' thing so I had the heater blasting while wearing just shorts and a t-shirt on my way into the gym, but I also put my panniers in the garage - a concession to the inevitable. So I'm sitting on my pal the upright, idly turning the pedals, prepping the iPod (untangling the ear buds) and wondering what the heck I'm doing on the bike in the first place.

What is it with me and bikes?

They're addictive devices spawned straight from the furnaces of the seventh circle of hell and, "Hi, my name is Bill and ever since goFast introduced me to the country road I've been a bike addict." When did that happen? The long ride, the quiet, the unremembered epiphanies, the casual glance at the arrayed computers for a check on how I'm doing, how far I've gone. Next summer I want to do a century for absolutely no reason what-so-ever. I think the MS society has one right in the middle of that blast furnace called August, and why not? Strap on a t-shirt for a cause, maybe get a free water bottle and suffer for science. Why not? Maybe I can even get TomS to go with me.

He'll probably drop me, the prick.

Saturday I'm in the Trek store for some made up reason just looking at precious and hanging. I notice that the higher end Madone's have their cables going into the frame of the bike and I want it. The next thing I know I'm on the darned Trek Project One site custom building one. I was playing around with components trying to get the price down to the range of my bike and... WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I never could do it, get the price down enough, even for me and when it comes to this sort of stuff I can be very flexible. My wife is certain I'm going through a mid-life crises.

I'm hammering out the first interval when the Garmin just gives up the ghost and goes blank. So there is no record of my suffering today. Well except this post, and you having to wade through it. It sorta gave me fair warning this morning. When I cut it on it said 'low battery' - thing is that's hard to address in the locker room.

The iPod is playing the crap Bill isn't in the mood for play list and I'm just gutting that out. I figure it's probably best to keep my head down at this point in time, lay low before the REAL nightmare (whatever it is) begins. So I listen to one sucky song after another, and it's all my fault, don'tcha hate that? I mean I selected them at one time. So I pay it forward and don't hit the 'skip' button hoping whatever lies ahead realizes that I'm cowed and moves on.

I finish the intervals and do some of the ABS halfhearted before heading to the lockers. Am I at some sort of crossroads here? Where is the joy and anticipation I once had or is this just a bad set of days?

And of course I weigh 202lbs, four pounds over last week.

Welcome to Monday.

Indoor Trainers

I'm determined to do the cardio work today, I both hate it and crave it. How messed up is that? So I dawdle and stall in the locker room and finally man up. I'm here aren't I? Time to pay the piper.

As I'm just getting ready for the first work interval at the ghost town gym (AT Everest was a no show - I hope she's OK), IronMan strolls in, shortly followed by goodMood. It's early for them. They probably read my blog and fear (as they should) that I would rat them out like I just did AT Everest. awesomeGirl was also absent, I hope she's OK too!

After I get through the first work interval I ponder the latest text messages I've gotten from TomS. TomS is enjoying his new bike but the weather has turned to crap of late and giving all of us a big heads up on the approach of winter. This has focused TomS (who sadly lacks an awesome gym like I have access to, and even though he BEGS me I refuse to marry him so that he'll get spousal access, I'm just not into that whole polygamy thing) on bike trainers.

I did a brief scan and liked the 1up trainer. Yesterday afternoon at 6:05pm I'm staring at the following text.

TomS: Okay I sent a reply to an earlier email about the Kurt kinetic line of trainers. You were supposed to evaluate them and give me your assessment. What's with the delay?

Bill: Having already selected the 1up trainer for you all research stopped unless you can get me federal aid through some stimulus package. Plus I don't recall the email.

TomS: I sent it around 4:00. Plenty of time to do the research.

Bill: Ahhh thanks for all the background links etc ::rolls eyes:: I'll post my results to your facebook wall after dinner.

TomS: I didn't want to curb your creativity.

I looked at the trainer, selected the Kurt Kinetic Pro Trainer and promptly put it on my Amazon wish list where it will rot along with other things Bill can't afford.

Given all the nagging I should probably just go ahead and marry TomS and be done with it.

Somewhere around the seventh work interval ponyTail strolls in and hops on a treadmill. I give her a bleary (I take my glasses off due to excessive sweating) wave from the bike.

I finally (YAY!) stagger off the thing, wipe it down, stumble around oxygen deprived and endorphin stupid before dragging out a BOSU ball and sitting on some Nike steps trying to work up the will for some situp/getups and deciding yakking with IronMan, who's doing some sort of situp with a weight on his chest, before 'stretching' his back and nearly falling asleep, might be needed. It's been awhile since I saw the lad.

So we're jawing about our various woes and I'm trying to figure out how to hook him up with TomS when goodMood strolls by saying he's done. If goodMood's done, we're all done, well except for ponyTail who kept hammering along. I might not be a polygamist but I'm all over peer pressure.

Repetitions at the Ghost Town Gym

First heartfelt condolences to Bubbles and her family on the recent loss of her grandfather :-(

Two days in a row now which is pretty cool. Well actually it was pretty cool this morning, fall walked up and said, "HOWDY!" and when I woke up the outside thermometer said it was 37 degrees Fahrenheit. This was most likely the reason IronMan was a no show in the gym today deciding to remain a snuggled up to JRock, the pansy. Er - not that I'm calling JRock a pansy that's not what I meant, dear God the next time I'm dumb enough to do a fun run she'd kill me. No IronMan's the pansy but I guess it's tough dealing with these temperatures when you're made of metal. But let me be clear JROCK IS NOT PANSY!

::frantically mops brow::

So it was me, Kingsley and AT Everest throughout the morning, doing reps in the ghost town gym. We pretty much kept to ourselves which allowed me to focus and I was surprised I was done in forty-five minutes. Good and bad. I prefer being a distracted chatty Cathy as opposed to Mr. Get Through It. It makes the time more pleasant.

Right when I finished up goodMood shows looking around at the silent machines and the empty gym wondering where IronMan was. Kingsley had left and AT Everest was bending herself into a pretzel in another room. I shower, check my weight (I went from 198 to 200, WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? Does lack of extreme stress make Bill a fat boy???) dress and drop by the gym on my way out.

goodMood was in there all by his lonesome, he's kind of hard to see since he lost so much weight. I tell him this is what it would be like if he won the lottery and had his own private gym, kinda lonely. He agrees before heading back to the dumbbells. No IronMan, no ponyTail and no awesomeGirl?!

Heads up pikers! It looks like I may be making a comeback here and if so then know this, I won't HESITATE to rat you out if you're not here to add life and your own flavor of joy to this gym!

Are you on my frequency? Am I being cleeaaaarrr???

Have a fantastic day!