I'll Tickle Your Catastrophe!

An open letter:

Dearest Good-for-Nothing Slob,

I had a most wondrous weekend filled with friends, joy and awesome food! On Saturday I even went to the bike store on a quest for a new inner tube for my wife's bicycle and a thing called a '4th hand cable puller' so that I could securely fasten the myriad zip ties for my Garmin 305. Having restored my wife's faith that I'm not a total Loser and can replace a inner tube and reattaching my Garmin's cadence monitor I was very excited to take my beloved bike into the gym today for my morning workout having missed yesterday's. My wife decided to drive in but I simply had to ride the bike.

I get to the gym and note my wife already hard at work on the elliptical. I decide to lift some weights and as I'm admiring the nifty new dumbbell rack I notice a sign from Diablo and Bubbles asking politely that when we're done with the dumbbells, medicine balls, exercise mats and what not it sure would be swell if you picked up after yourself, you know, like a well raised adult with manners.

Thou wimpled weather-bitten codpiece!

Oh, pardon, I was merely recalling the joy I felt when I gazed across our fair gym lit by the early morning Sunday sun, noting the various dumbbells left idly about the floor for others to trip upon, the two medicine balls casually left by the barbells and the two exercise mats laying on the floor. For a brief moment I wondered if I had mistakenly wandered into your filthy home you pribbling whoreson haggard, so indifferently had you left the gym.

And yes, yes, I know allllll about the big install this weekend, short of a death in the family or a coronary event brought upon from your labors in our gym I don't expect that I'll have much sympathy for your slovenly ways you contemptible huge hill of flesh.

So I picked up after you, maggot. I particularly enjoyed cleaning up the seven or so wipes you offhandedly left laying about various parts of our gym. Why it almost gave me hope that you actually wiped down the machines you nonchalantly used... almost. I found the used tissue over by the stability balls in the age of swine flu a particularly nice indicator of your total indolence.

So rest assured that I cleaned up your garbage you feckless misbegotten crook-pated clack-dish! Unlike you, you unexceptional bore I respect the others using our gym and I wish to keep it neat and PARTICULARLY clean now that I know hedonistic, unconcerned halfwits such as yourself exist in it.

I so hope we meet! Maybe that can be arranged if Bubbles and Diablo play back the security tape over the weekend! Even better would be if we NEVER meet, and you lose your gym access since you seem so indifferent about it anyway.

Thanks for opening my eyes you bleating sanguine coward. Yeah I'll keep picking up after your slovenly butt, you jerk because nice things are growing increasingly rare in this ugly world. I'll mind this tiny portion of it and try to keep it clean and enjoyable just to spite you, you wretched piece of half-chewed lard.

Heartfelt love,
Bill