Bonking

OK, so I'm all over the net trying to figure out how to best deploy this heart rate monitor feature of the 305. When I come across this little wonder:

Every genius on the internet is telling me that I've got to find my maximum heart rate and then work in these zones for the best possible benefit. Um OK, it use to be that you'd go out and run five miles by first trying to run five miles and eventually getting there. Now it seems to be all about the 'zone.'

I still haven't grokked the 305 yet and all of its myriad displays but what the heck I can get the heart rate monitor on.

I cowboy up and head to the gym. This being my first time and a Sunday I stroll in sometime in the afternoon. There are a few people there which disappoints me, I was hoping my initial debasement might be a private matter. Nope.

So there's this one guy on an elliptical walker just humming along. I eye him out of the corner of my eye studying his technique and then hop on the one next to him. He's really moving. Hmmmm, how do you turn this thing on? I study the display panel looking for a button marked, "Start your self abasement" but can't find anyway to turn it on.

I feel like a dork.

I feel like my ignorance has cast me right into the spotlight for the three others working out in the gym at the moment. Assessing eyes are on me and I can tell that now I'm everyone's bitch.

Super.

What to do? Nearing panic I decide the best course of action is to pretend I know what I'm doing so I start moving the arm things and working my legs in the pedals, feigning this bored just another work out on the ol' elliptical expression on my face. I'm trying to blend in with the other atheletes and pretty much screwing that up.

The control panel lights up, thank God!

I'm afraid to stop moving in case the stupid thing turns off. I can't figure out anything on this stupid device. I mash some buttons and various graphs appear and the heartbeat thingy starts blinking and something called a 'MET' flashes by - sheesh.

I look over at The Amazing Elliptical Man and figure I keep keep pace with that pussy. I speed up. Three minutes later and I want to die. Muscles in my legs that I didn't even know I had are complaining. I'm puffing and wheezing like a fifty-one year old steam engine, and I HATE this machine. Only idiots use these stupid things! I hop off that nightmare after four whole minutes.

I walk around a bit trying to figure out what to do next because four minutes isn't gonna cut it. I spot the bicycle machine and figure I might do better on that. The following graph tells the tragic tale:

By minute five I'm in the dreaded zone 5 which I've read is the equivalent of a flat out sprint. At minute eight you can see me bonk. I'm winded and sucking air like the Apollo 13 astronauts.

Zone five should be renamed, "Onset of Death."

I just can't pedal anymore and the machine from hell is throwing up helpful little messages like, "Pedal FASTER!" I mutter "bite me." and climb out of that horror walking past The Amazing Elliptical Man my head hung in defeat.

I then find some closet room where I try some half hearted push ups (five) and sit ups (eight) before going to the lockers.

I weigh myself, 237 pounds.

Not a bad first day. I have work to do.