Ugly Truths - The Body Assessment

I get to spend an hour with the trainer; she takes various measurements and has me perform various feats and daring dos. At the end she presents me with the facts of where I'm at, it's not pretty.

Age: 51 - Height: 6ft - Weight: 237lbs
Resting Heart Rate: 84 - Maximum Heart Rate: 203.43

Now the fun begins:

Body Composition: 29.16% this means that about 30% of my body is fat. GROAN. This is one of the metrics I'll be attempting to reduce.

Treadmill Test (Vo2Max) - Time: 18.22 - Heart Rate: 148
Vo2Max: 18.52152

This is an awful number (18.52152)! "Well below average" - this is a number I need to increase, significantly.

Push Ups: 4 - GROAN when I wrestled I could pop off fifty of these no sweat. I need to get this number to at least 10 in three months.

Curl Ups: 8 Another GROAN. This needs to be at least 16 by three months.

Flexability: 0 - sigh I need to get this to 13 in three months.

Waist to hip ratio: 1.022472 - PORKER. I need to get this to .95 or below. I'm currently referred to as 'apple shaped' which hurts my feelings a little bit. Apple shaped? Surely there's a better image... Michelin Man?

Now there's a bit of controversy about my 'Age Predicted Maximal Heart Rate.' All the calculations I've done put it at 171, her little calculator puts it at 203.43, a delta of 32 which I consider rather significant.

Hmmmmmm. I'll most likely ask my doc to set up some test and get to the bottom of it because this maximal heart rate business determines all the zones I'm suppose to exercise under.

The trainer wants me exercising in the 144-156bmp range which has me in zone four (the dreaded anaerobic) off of one chart and moderate to weight control off of another. Who to believe?

Right now I'll go with the trainer until I can get a better handle on my actual maximum heart rate.

Day 3

After flipping off the elliptical trainer I headed straight for the bike machine trying for a 20 minute workout.

I do reasonably well with it all. I go home afterward and get through the day. Right when I'm getting ready to hit the road one of the athletic trainers comes in. I spend a few minutes talking to her telling her what I'm trying to do and she says she'll set up a program for me and that I should drop by for a 'body assessment.' We set a date for tomorrow.

Day Two

Today I headed straight for the elliptical machine and did 20 minutes, my mindset on getting this done. Except four were on the damned elliptical machine and the rest on the bike machine.

I spent most of my time in zone 4, anaerobic. So I haven't mastered the heart thing but it's better. The problem with anaerobic is that I'm producing all sorts of lactic acid and later I will pay the piper on that with muscle soreness and pain.

Still - that little chore is done.

Bonking

OK, so I'm all over the net trying to figure out how to best deploy this heart rate monitor feature of the 305. When I come across this little wonder:

Every genius on the internet is telling me that I've got to find my maximum heart rate and then work in these zones for the best possible benefit. Um OK, it use to be that you'd go out and run five miles by first trying to run five miles and eventually getting there. Now it seems to be all about the 'zone.'

I still haven't grokked the 305 yet and all of its myriad displays but what the heck I can get the heart rate monitor on.

I cowboy up and head to the gym. This being my first time and a Sunday I stroll in sometime in the afternoon. There are a few people there which disappoints me, I was hoping my initial debasement might be a private matter. Nope.

So there's this one guy on an elliptical walker just humming along. I eye him out of the corner of my eye studying his technique and then hop on the one next to him. He's really moving. Hmmmm, how do you turn this thing on? I study the display panel looking for a button marked, "Start your self abasement" but can't find anyway to turn it on.

I feel like a dork.

I feel like my ignorance has cast me right into the spotlight for the three others working out in the gym at the moment. Assessing eyes are on me and I can tell that now I'm everyone's bitch.

Super.

What to do? Nearing panic I decide the best course of action is to pretend I know what I'm doing so I start moving the arm things and working my legs in the pedals, feigning this bored just another work out on the ol' elliptical expression on my face. I'm trying to blend in with the other atheletes and pretty much screwing that up.

The control panel lights up, thank God!

I'm afraid to stop moving in case the stupid thing turns off. I can't figure out anything on this stupid device. I mash some buttons and various graphs appear and the heartbeat thingy starts blinking and something called a 'MET' flashes by - sheesh.

I look over at The Amazing Elliptical Man and figure I keep keep pace with that pussy. I speed up. Three minutes later and I want to die. Muscles in my legs that I didn't even know I had are complaining. I'm puffing and wheezing like a fifty-one year old steam engine, and I HATE this machine. Only idiots use these stupid things! I hop off that nightmare after four whole minutes.

I walk around a bit trying to figure out what to do next because four minutes isn't gonna cut it. I spot the bicycle machine and figure I might do better on that. The following graph tells the tragic tale:

By minute five I'm in the dreaded zone 5 which I've read is the equivalent of a flat out sprint. At minute eight you can see me bonk. I'm winded and sucking air like the Apollo 13 astronauts.

Zone five should be renamed, "Onset of Death."

I just can't pedal anymore and the machine from hell is throwing up helpful little messages like, "Pedal FASTER!" I mutter "bite me." and climb out of that horror walking past The Amazing Elliptical Man my head hung in defeat.

I then find some closet room where I try some half hearted push ups (five) and sit ups (eight) before going to the lockers.

I weigh myself, 237 pounds.

Not a bad first day. I have work to do.

Beginnings

Well for Christmas my wife gave me a Garmin Edge 305. A nifty little device. Both my wife and my father have been eyeing my increasing girth with alarm so this might be the remedy since I'm a gadget phreak.

My work has a nice gym in it and even staffs it with trainers. So, what the heck, how long can it take to drop - oh - thirty pounds for starters? I figure about seven serious workouts and it's back to the Oreo Double Stuffs. I know I'm kidding myself, but I don't think I've quite grasped the situation yet. I'm also, at fifty-one, beginning to see fun medical conditions creep up which there's no need to belabor but I'm on BP medication and one way to get off of that is to drop some pounds.

Why not? All it can do is SUCK.

It's a bit cold to be humping the bike about where I live but I can use the heart rate monitor and start to work.

Here's how the thing looks on my bike. It's easy to put on and take off.

Total Body Workout #2

5 minutes on the elliptical to get HR up

Set One

1. SB Squat/Biceps Curls and hold the last one for ten seconds - ten reps
2. Leg Press and hold the last one for ten seconds - ten reps
3. BB Back Squat - Assisted Smith - ten reps
4. Repeat

Set Two

1. Chest Press Machine with a pulse of 20 after doing ten reps
2. Rear Delt Row Machine - ten reps
3. Graviton Dips
4. Repeat

Set Three

1. (Right) Lateral Lunge - MB Medial Flexion - ten reps
2. (Right) Low-Cable Rotation (IronMan says I look like I'm trying to start a lawnmower and I wouldn't put it past crafty scaredyCatBubbles to get me ready for mowing season) - ten reps
3. (Left) Lateral Lunge - MB Medial Flexion - ten reps
4. (Left) Low-Cable Rotation - ten reps
5. Repeat

Set Four

1. SB Reverse Crunch - twenty reps
2. Standing Supermans - twenty reps
3. Pelvic Tilts - twenty reps
4. Repeat

Current Workout

• Max HR: 203
  • 75% -> 152bpm
  • 65% -> 132bpm
• Monday: Total Body Workout
• Tuesday: Tempo Workout
  • Keep HR between 65 - 75% of Max HR for 30 - 45 minutes. Any machine
• Wednesday: Total Body Workout
• Thursday: Interval Workout
  • Treadmill - work interval is 4mph/3.5% incline; recovery interval is 3mph/1.5% incline.
  • Work for 20-45 minutes
• Friday: Total Body Workout
• Saturday: Long-Slow Duration Workout
  • Keep HR below 65% of Max HR for 45 - 60 minutes. Any machine
• Sunday: Rest

Greatest Workout Songs EVER!

• Free Ride - Edgar Winter Group
• Blinded by the Light - Manfred Mann
• Don't Bring Me Down - ELO
• Iron Man - Black Sabbath
• The Loco-Motion - Grand Funk
• Born to be Wild - Steppenwolf
• Cold Hard Bitch - Jet
• Welcome to the Jungle - Guns n Roses
• Living On The Edge - Aerosmith
• Highway Jones - Cry of Love
• Fitness Magazine's Workout Playlists
• Love Will Find A Way - Yes
• Zip City - Drive By Truckers
• Thunderstruck - AC/DC
• Time after Time - Distant Soundz
• Feedback - Janet Jackson
• (I'm gonna be) 500 miles! - The Proclaimers
• Cuz I Can - Pink
• Release - Timbaland
• Everybody's Free - Rozalla
• Kickstart My Heart - Motley Crue
• Jump - Van Halen
• We are the Champions - Queen
• Another One Bites the Dust - Queen
• Push It - Garbage
• Feel Good Inc - Gorillaz
• Me and Bobby McGee - Janice Joplin

Bubbles ABS Workout

• Pelvic Tilts: 1X8 singles, 1X5 hold for 5 counts
• SB Rocker Abs: 1X15 slow, 2 counts up and 2 counts down
• Mat Oblique Crunches: 1X12-15 each side
• Lying on Stomach/on mat Alternating Supermans: 2X10 hold each rep for 2-3 counts
• Plank - On Elbows and Knees 2X30 seconds
• Finish off with, Child's Pose Stretch and Cat/Cow Stretch
• Repeat this workout 2-3 days per week.

Bubbles' 2nd Awesome ABS Workout

(Bill's notes in blue)

• "C" Mat Crunches: Lift shoulders and tailbone off the floor 1X12-15
• Hold the last two for 4-8 counts
• Push lower back into mat
• BOSU Crunch - 'Sit Up/Get Ups': 1X15-20
• Um, these didn't go well, everyone in the gym thought I had gone into labor with all the groaning
• Try every fourth rep to Get Up
• SB Oblique AB Crunch: 1X12-15 each side; hold last 2 reps on each side for 4-8 counts
• This ended up bothering my lower back sigh I did better after doing some warm ups
• Warm up: Curl over yellow ball with the belly button on the ball. Roll forward until the elbows touch the floor. Then roll back to knees.
• Warm up: On ball in sit up position push back until sitting on the ball (like a chair)
• Quadruped Arm Opposite Leg Raise: 2X10 hold each rep for 2-3 counts
• These are 'supermans' on all fours
• Plank On Elbows and Feet : 2X45-60 seconds
• Get on tip-toes for last twenty seconds
• Finish off with, Child's Pose Stretch and Cat/Cow Stretch
• Child's Pose Stretch - extend arms, push hips to heels like kowtowing
• Repeat this workout 2-3 days per week.