Signs of the Apocalypse

I blink twice as I glance down the hallway and see awesomeGirl hammering out her 300 calories on the recumbent. It's 5:30am. What's she doing here at this hour? She normally staggers in around 6am.

Another subtle sign of the upcoming apocalypse. It's the subtle ones you need take heed of, and I'm seeing more and more of them. They usually present themselves as a 'glitch in the matrix' - something not quite right. The big ones are easy to spot like being a duly elected official and running away from doing your job - that's an easy one.

So I'm doing forty-five minutes of intervals on the spinner and hammering it pretty hard when another sign appears, some 20 something chick with blond hair appears as part of the 'news alert' about the weather or something looking pretty much like the girl in the pic, except in a dress.

I glance over at awesomeGirl who's looking up at her and I start to wonder aloud what is going on? I mean look at her, it's five thirty in the morning - what on God's green earth is she doing babbling happily about the weather at 5:30am??!!! At her age she should be laying in a pool of her own vomit on some decrepit barroom floor.

Instead she's breaking my generation's rice bowl. WE'RE NATURALLY UP AT THIS HOUR! We don't like it but so what?! That job should go to some curmudgeon who will glare balefully into the camera and speak truth to power telling you to stay at home gosh darn it! We'll send some cub reporter out into the heart of the storm and you can laugh your ass off at them instead of experiencing it yourself. It'll be even better if she's drunk, hungover and covered in vomit when she's telling you, "Yep! It sure is cold, windy and icy out here! Can I go home now??!!!" Only to have the producer screaming into her earbud, "NO! We'll be back to you in fifteen minutes, which is the amount of time you have to find someplace even suckier then where you are right now!" Little miss late twenties should be outside in the freezing rain, both drunk and hungover and hating it, NOT all toasty and chipper in the newsroom! Another apocalyptic sign.

Speaking of drunken basket-cases I've been keeping my eye on Mr. Charlie Sheen of late. I think he has a point when he says that he's missed two days of work since the show started so who are we to stick our noses into what he does when he's off the clock? You have to admire his weird Hollywood morality of having some party house near his real home where he keeps the drugs, hookers and Ron Jeremy away from his kids.

Charlie apparently wants to be some OD'd has been, dead and covered in his own vomit like Elvis. At least he's being responsible about it - he's not missing work but it's evident the drugs, booze and women have taken their toll. You are not thinking right if you call up some talk show and bite the hand that feeds you by tossing your ego into the mix and telling everyone how much your producer sucks. So, CBS shuts down production to remind Charlie of who the real boss is. I guess we'll see what happens next if we decide that we care.

A good sign you're headed for the wall is if Ron Jeremy is in the frame...