Fear and Loathing in Chicago Part 1

The family and I recently went to Chicago for four days or so - I was going to blog the entire experience but I realized that would take forever and you rat bastards wouldn't read it. So I'll release it as exciting chapters instead!

I'm sitting in Grant Park listening to Dvořák: The Spectre's Bride. Even in English, even with zombies ("there was a dead man passing by!") I find the opera boring and unintelligible. Behind me crackles a walkie-talkie and a flood of six year old Mandarin pours out of it. I make this assumption based on the age of the girl holding the transceiver on this end of the conversation. I'm fluent in Mandarin so I was able to translate this timeless cross cultural conversation.

"Whatcha doin'? OVER!"

"I'm at this stupid opera with my mom and it is SOOOOOO BORING! What are you doing? OVER!"

"I'm watching a My Little Pony cartoon on Netflix and eating popcorn. OVER!"

"The one where the one pony quarrels with it's BFF and then they get in trouble but manage to make up by the end of the show teaching us all a valuable lesson on the power of friendship? That one? OVER!"

"Yes..."

"OH MY GOD!!! I LOVE THAT ONE!!! IT WAS THE BEST ONE EVER!!!!!"

I glance back at this eruption of frantic hyperactive yak.

GASP! "A FAT MIDDLE-AGED FOREIGN BARBARIAN IS STARING AT ME! I MUST HIDE! OVER!"

I hear the walkie-talkie snap off and I'm back to this weird opera ("Seizing her books, he threw them far: they quickly covered ten miles more.") but the siren call of the walkie-talkie quickly over came six year old judgement.

"The fat bald foreign barbarian has returned to his operatic slumber. What's happening with the ponies?OVER!"

"It's another episode. I thought you were in Chicago? OVER!"

"I am in the Peoples Chicago - the foreign devils are so in debt to the motherland that the party has given me permission to rename it Pinkie Pie City OVER!"

"PINKIE PIE IS THE LAMEST OF ALL THE PONIES AND YOU KNOW IT! Twilight Sparkle City is sooooo much better. OVER!"

"DON'T PRESUME TO TELL ME WHAT TO NAME MY CITY! Is this episode the one where the one pony quarrels with it's BFF and then one gets in trouble but her friend manages to help and they make up by the end of the show learning a valuable lesson about friendship? That one? OVER!"

"Yes..."

"OH MY GOD!!! I LOVE THAT ONE!!! IT WAS REALLY THE BEST ONE EVER!!!!! TELL ME SCENE BY SCENE WHAT IS HAPPENING! OVER!"

"Well Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash are walking side by..."

"I thought they hated each other! OVER!"

On and on it went, while zombies chase school girls in weird operas.