This is better than National Geographic!

The pink poodle/elephant thing is moving with rapid intent down the sidewalk. Its speed is impressive given its puny size, the straightness of its path geometrically perfect. It's impossible to discern its objective but whatever it is it has its complete focus.

Sitting next to me on our porch across the street my son stirs and leans forward, "What is that THING?"

Thank God he sees it too! I murmur, "Make no sudden movements, we don't want to draw attention to ourselves. We must study its habits."

He sits back, softly replying, "Yes, yes."

We watch the little abomination continue on its linear course. Perhaps it's not focused on prey, perhaps it's in flight. I look further behind it. Ah, yes. In hot pursuit is a pink pig of equal stature, silently intent on bringing down the pink poodle prey.

I whisper, "Tell me you see the pig!"

"I do."

This is better than National Geographic! We quietly watch this silent passion play unfolding when we make the discovery that both beasts are in flight from their mother who rapidly corrals the two year old twins, their latest attempt at freedom thwarted by their size and bright pink costumes. One is a poodle, the other piglet.

She marches them across the street where my son and I wait by the sidewalk with our Halloween offerings. I try not to make eye contact while the poodle is lofted up onto mom's hip. This is a delicate moment and already I've done something wrong, messed up the protocol in some manner. The poodle glares balefully at me, waiting for me to redress this unknown affront, as imperial in her demeanor as any Chinese Mandarin.

With trembling hands I offer the bowl of candy. Her eyes fill with disdain and I'm...

I'm...

DENIED!

Ostrich like she buries her head in her mom's shoulder, shutting me out of existence. While this drama was unfolding piglet decided once again to break for freedom. I could tell piglet's latest attempt at liberty was doomed to failure. Mom was tracking her telemetry with a precision any NASA engineer would envy while simultaneously gabbing with my wife.

Apparently piglet yearns to be free of mom's suffocating yoke. This is not her first nor her last attempt.

So when the alarm goes off this morning I awoke from my candy induced nightmare of Good Piglet Hunting, with Bill starring as the conflicted mathematical genius piglet, hunted by all. I dress, drink a cup of joe and head into the gym for the hated intervals.

IronMan and goodMood are there destroying their abs. I annihilate myself on the bike and then go through Bubbles ABS routine. While doing that I'm gabbing with ponyTail (which is always fun) about various movies and what not. She's taking another day off and I envy her. She has to or she'll end up in some use/lose hell and lose isn't an option but trying to 'splain to your management that you'll be gone for six weeks isn't an option either.

What sort of nightmare company do I work for? Poor ponyTail! FORCED TO TAKE VACATION! I can't wait to see the made for TV movie!

Please send all donations to: Stop the Vacation Madness c/o Bill at this blog and I'll make sure the money is put to good use.

I promise.

Really...

Sooner or Later, Your Legs Give Way, You Hit the Ground

DAMMIT! I'm busted by JRock trying to sneak past the United Way armada arrayed in the lobby at work. She's making 'come hither' motions while I stare blearily back at her while trying to hide the fact that I'm leaning on the elevator button.

JRock is dealing in death today, the table, even from the twenty feet I'm standing from it, is covered in death, death for charity. Cookies, fudge, rice crispy treats, all sorts of ways to die, sanctioned by the United Way. Well not sanctioned exactly - you can just give them money and not buy the Buckeyes of Torment for all they care, but they're good, real good!

I dart into the elevator refusing to make further eye contact after promising to be back and ponder the day's events at the gym.

I get up late, get into the gym late and am finally dragged from the locker room by IronMan who's waited long enough for my candy ass to make an appearance. It's good to see him, his truck has been repaired which he was lamenting since he was quite enjoying being chauffeured all about town. awesomeGirl gives me a big grin and I focus on the upright bike.

Today is suppose to be some sort of twenty minute tempo workout on the bike (followed by Bubbles' ABS for itsy-bitsy baby Bill who refuses to man up to the REAL ABS course).

Um, OK.

I set the bike up, hop on and start slowly pedaling, looking around noting the otherPonyTail was already hard at work (I am late huh?). goodMood's music station has changed format or something, it's filled with whiny slow, screw me I'm sensitive Jackson Brown crap. I can feel it already sapping my will to live so I grab the iPod buds, mash them in and glance over at a confused goodMood who's on an elliptical of all things wondering aloud how that happened and why wasn't he on the stair climber.

Poor bastard, he's on his own. Filled with righteous Darwinism I flip on the iPod, mash 'Quick Start' set the level to seven and immediately go for a cadence over 100. It's a near sprint for me. I close my eyes and hammer out the cadence to the music feeling the need for fast tempo work.

I'm not sure when I made the decision but I think it was around minute three. I popped the level up to eight and decided to hold my cadence above 100 for the entire workout or until exhaustion hit, whichever came first. I didn't care.

I was able to use most of the songs to hold the cadence except for Counting Crows Round Here.

Round here, we don't need this song...

I'm doing my best to keep my eyes shut, loosing myself in whatever tune is playing and occasionally peeking at the cadence which usually read around 102. The last five minutes were tough, the last minute wasn't too bad but I was nervous about the stats and sprinting any harder was out of the question. When the twenty minutes were up I hit stop and pedaled along looking for the two stats I was most interested in...

Average Level 7.7
Average Cadence 101

I staggered around a bit cleaning the bike before starting ABS when I noticed, hey I'm alone! How did that happen? I AM LATE!

I'm on my last ABS routine laying flat on my back with a stability ball between my feet deciding whether to nap or do the exercise when Bubbles strolls over and asks what I'm doing. She's had enough of my 'gentleman exerciser' gig I guess so I do eight of them before breaking, rest for twenty seconds or so and then do four more. Done.

Bubbles is in front of a TV monitor staring at the highlights from last nights Cavaliers' game. myPeg is behind her on an elliptical watching too. Bubbles is trying to use her formidable mental powers to alter reality and change the outcome of the game but to no avail. I'm wondering what the heck pro basketball is doing on in the first place and why baseball is going into November? Pretty soon all this madness will be on year round, twenty-four seven. I liked it better when there were seasons for this stuff, but that's just me I guess, some old fogey, but there use to be this anticipation, now it feels like more of the same.

I stagger into the locker room kinda shakey (hypoglycemic? probably). Sit around for a few and then shower, weigh in (lost a pound ::shrug::), dress and head out into a whole new world!

The gym has been transformed. Odd. Gone is the quiet desperation of the morning crew, that let's get this over with vibe. There are unicorns and pixies and flowers and joy and... well there was joy anyway. I see noNeed over on an upright grinning, happyGirl two bikes down giggling with Quality sitting between them reading the newspaper on a recumbent.

As I stroll over I note EVERY machine is in use except the two stair climbers, filled with happy to be here people.

Weirdos.

I feel like a Russian novelist struggling in some gulag next to them. Where is the Sturm und Drang so prevalent with the morning crew?

Two dozen other stupid reasons
Why we should suffer for this
Don't bother trying to explain them
Just hold my hand while I come
To a decision on it

I'm envious. I shoot the breeze with noNeed and happyGirl for a few before heading into JRock's carefully laid trap. And yeah, I went back and got some tasty cookies and a little something for the wife along with breakfast.

Temperamental Tuesday and the Zen of Trepidation

I feel better today than yesterday. At least right now. I've got a whole day in front of me.

I entered the empty gym listening to the quiet huffing of AT Everest as she continued her assault on Mt. Everest. The girl will never summit, but I don't think she'll give up. awesomeGirl shows up a bit later and both of us share dark moods on this temperamental Tuesday with quiet mutterings about lack of desire being here. I'm beginning to think it gets like that, but I hope you break out of it or at least get use to it.

It's kinda lacking fun at the moment, more like required work. When did it become required? My wife (who, for the record, I loveth) gave me the what for last night when I was busted for indulging in my second piece of birthday cake. She was telling me, "You've worked so hard!" with a hint of fear in her voice. Trepidation at the return of Flabby Bill. We've been married for awhile so she knows me, and knows that my recent musings in this blog are no laughing matter.

Still, I glared at her as I was stomping back to the garage where we keep the corpse of my birthday cake refrigerated, carrying said cake close to my chest like a newborn. I was thinking, "Yes, I've worked so hard, I've been under a lot of pressure of late, it is my birthday, and if I want to eat my cake I should be able to without anyone shooting off flares and calling the police." I kept these thoughts to myself because I didn't want to tangle over it.

So, who's right?

Both of us.

I weighed in a pound lighter than yesterday but that doesn't matter much, what matters is holding this weight until I'm ready to make another move on it. So I'm grateful that my wife cares. I also want extra cake at times too though.

I'm wrapping up my workout this morning when J-TOSRV asks, "When are you going to spin class?" this was after bikerBabe posted on facebook a similar thought, "Maybe you should join me for a few spinning classes at the Rec Center to mix it up some. I'll let you know when I'm going and show you the ropes your first class. It would be a change of pace, but doesn't remove the stressor." AND my wife in the car after lunch saying, hmmmmm, I don't know... MAYBE I SHOULD JOIN A SPIN CLASS?

I've done a spin class so I don't have that deer in the headlights look I had when I went on the Fun Run. I know exactly what this class is all about.

Super, have a birthday and you get to face the Secret Spin Cabal!

sigh - we all know it's gonna happen...

Sixties Idiot

Gawd I hate intervals! I had a rough night falling asleep, not sure why probably worrying about the stupid intervals, but when the alarm went off this morning I turned it off and snuggled back up to my wife. It could have been due to the brutal partying I did on Sunday, my birthday.

Well let's see, what did I get? Well besides an AWESOME family I got some prezzies. A bicycle repair book and a movie from my wife. The bicycle repair book pretty much taught me that I should call a mechanic. My son gave me a very funny self made birthday card along with a mirror for my bike helmet, a towel the size of a half dollar (just add water! Huh? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of a towel?), and some energy packs of various varieties for me to try on my next epic bike ride. My daughter gave me a nice water bottle that I have next to me at the office here. And my parents gave me a some money and my in-laws sent a nice card from Poland. Then we went and played 18 holes of Frisbee golf which was a lot of fun.

The cake was classic, wanna see?

Nothing says Happy Birthday like Spongebob!

So this morning I woke up not feeling the best. Flu? Not sure, I'm not achy or anything but I'm tired and a tad pukey feeling. I make my morning coffee and ponder this upcoming Monday, sigh, and head into the gym.

I'm late (for me) but awesomeGirl, AT Everest, goodMood, ponyTail, the otherPonyTail, and a few others are there. I get on an upright bike and do the intervals. I'm not exactly discouraged but I'm definitely not in the mood and I'm SICK of being not in the mood! I'm also growing annoyed with my fear of pain and putting off the next level of these intervals. I've been doing one minute work, two minutes recovery forever. Next step is to do one minute work, one minute thirty seconds recovery leading to one minute work, one minute recovery.

Whatever.

So I made myself do the one on two off intervals. Late into the gym if I was to accomplish anything at all it was gonna be those hated intervals. I staggered around feeling crappy, wiped the machine down and did a few ABS but a lot of stretches. Weighed in at 203 (GROAN but who am I kidding, did you SEE that Spongebob cake???).

I say hi to J-TOSRV who's gotten off the stairclimber and on to an upright bike. She's punishing herself in ways I can't imagine, well OK I can imagine but I won't go there - whatever crimes she's atoning for are her's alone. Her hubby, D-TOSRV is recuperating from an ailment and I ask how he's doing. Fine I hear, which is good in case you're wondering about him.

I'll deal with the weight later, right now I'm a sixties idiot trying to 'find myself' in the gym again.

Slow Burn Saturday

Chicks... go figure :-)

Ahhhh that's more like it, brings back memories... not the cat you dolts but today's workout! I strolled into the gym cranked up the ol' sauna, plopped onto a recumbent, set it for 'Fat Burn', fifty minutes, level seven and went. I held the cadence above 70 for the whole thing and watched worthless news.

TomS was right, commercials are tough when you're on the bike.

noNeed and happyGirl along with happyGirl's hubby (who will need a name but not today) showed up as I was finishing up and heading out. It was good to see them, they normally work a different shift then I do.

I took a nice sauna and came out feeling pretty good about it all. Tomorrow I might do some lifting if I get up early enough.

The Glowering Goodness - Beginnings

Um, what is required (particularly after today's fun) is one of those legendary three to four day benders. You know, where you wake up in Mexican opium den married to a goat named Becccckkkkkkkkiiieee owing a serious amount of coin to 'the cartel.' - Bill on 'Required Depravity'

Oh boy, yesterday was fun let me tell ya! Good times, good times. We ended up bouncing the system, which was completely engulfed in threads, three consecutive times. The third time emergency installing software we intended to install on Sunday. That seemed to calm things down for a bit anyway.

I was so stressed from the thing that I was in bed around 8:30 and slept until the alarm went off. I went into the gym not in the mood but managed to do Bubbles' ABS workout. I saw awesomeGirl doing some sort of forced march on the treadmill, IronMan was destroying his ABS and goodMood was high upon his StairMaster throne. Diablo was strolling around still married and happy doing his Diablo thing.

But where is ponyTail? She's been AWOL for awhile now, rumor has it she's combating one of those trendy flu bugs but I managed to catch a glimpse of her yesterday so I'm suspicious. Word on FaceBook (WHICH NEVER LIES!) is that there's a new superhero in town, a paint roller wielding mom that goes by the moniker The Glowering Goodness!

ponyTail can glower, I've seen her. Could it be? Well my wife can glower too... hmmmm in fact all women can glower, well when they're looking at me anyway. Ferreting out this mystery might be tougher than I thought... I could just rename ponyTail to theGloweringGoodness and be done with it, but suppose I'm wrong? I'd probably come home and find my bedroom painted a sickly yellow and my wife (glowering at me) saying, "I see you pissed off the Glowering Goodness - great job hon, really!"

I wrap up my ABS and come to work almost hopeful that I can start steering through these troubled thready waters towards my holy grail, The Routine.

Well I've got to mop up these threads, messy buggers. Have an idyllic weekend and if you plan to misbehave, like I so desperately want to... BEWARE of The Glowering Goodness!

Stress and Promises

I'm on autopilot. I went into the gym and did a half-assed version of the Thursday routine. I did most of the routines but my heart wasn't in it. I noticed that I'm going to have to do more (more like any, even one) stretches since I was feeling particularly stiff.

As I was unlocking my empty locker which is just totally surreal when you think about the circumstances that lead to that little measure I noticed the sauna was set to 'fat melt' or 10. I made a mental note to take one after the workout. I miss them.

On my way into the gym my jaw mentally drops as I see a sweat covered MarathonMan staggering towards me. He tells me he's coming back and actually picks up my spirits a bit telling me that we all go through these kind of burnout funks. We're staring at the gym wall that is plastered with all this Dealing With Stress wisdom. As I skim it one of the tips makes me smile ruefully:

Remove the Stressor

Um, yeah. I've been trying to 'remove the stressor' for almost four months now. I would LOVE to remove the stressor! My problem is the stressor has other thoughts.

There was all this other babble about healthy ways of dealing with stress, like massages and scented candles...

mmhmm

Where my head's at I'm far more interested in UNhealthy ways of dealing with stress at the moment. Bill's way past the healthy option here. No, no, no we're deep into the land of inappropriate ways of dealing with stress and coping with incredible guilt the morning after now. It's the only possibility. It's the right thing to do!

Quality time with the demons is now required. I'm not sure when that's gonna happen but it IS gonna happen.

I fill out the Fall Fitness BINGO card which is a new game they're trying at the gym. I'll see how that goes, you can win prizes like a Gas Card but what's intriguing to me is the attempt to try something new.

I totally blew that last game they had down those lines but maybe I'll find time to

• Take a ZUMBA class - again
• Play Racquetball - hmmmm
• Research the calorie, fat and sodium content of your favorite restaurant meal
• Take a strength training or cardio kick class

There are some goofy ones in there too but they're low hanging fruit

• Take 5 slow deep breaths & think of beautiful mountain vistas and coastal sunsets
• Football toss - complete 2 of 10 tosses
• Corn hole toss - complete 2 of 10 tosses
• Wear your favorite team t-shirt

Who knows - I've already lost two cards so I'm not sure I'll get into the grand prize drawings or whatnot but I'd rather be in ZUMBA or complaining about some new horror course - baby steps.

Keep focused on the stressor at hand, keep the promise of blowing off serious steam with the demons once it's addressed and then ZUMBA my butt off.

I sit in the sauna, I do not sweat. Stupid sauna.