The Mayor of HotMessDublin

Snot flows freely over my upper lip, the coarse bike glove dragging across it bringing sporadic relief, tears roll down my cheeks from the cold and a mouth full of cherry flavored Cold-EEZEs dribble down my chin like blood. I look like Bella dumped me, a broken hearted Edward on a bike - only HOTTER.

What the heck am I doing hump er riding this bike in at six in the morning? It's 45 degrees and I'm in shorts and a windbreaker. Thank God that whole shaving my legs incase I'm in a wreck phase has passed, or has it? Could my legs be any colder? Would shaven legs further enhance my broken hearted vamperic hotness?

Peddling onward I wonder when the bottom falls out and Lindsay Lohan is reduced to a bike if it will be a tandem so when she wrecks she can pin it on her assistant. There's quite a competition heating up between Bynes and Lohan. As Lauren Sivan noted, 'Lohan to Bynes: "I'm the Mayor of HotMessHollywood, get it?"' after she got arrested for leaving the scene of an accident. This was in response to Bynes getting kicked out of a spin class after she pulled her top off revealing a tiny black underwire bra to everyone in the class. Apparently this violates some sort of female workout code where it would have been fine had she been wearing a sports bra but lacy black underwires are a big no-no. Personally, I'm fine with it. Suffering from oxygen depravation, or drugs or just plain insanity Amanda then decided it would be a good time to reapply her makeup while casually turning the peddles and ten minutes later the instructor (who I bet was female) kicked her out because all the men in the class had stopped to watch.

Lohan vs Bynes - this could be quite a battle!

I wonder what it would take for me to assume my rightful place as the Mayor of HotMessDublin? Will shaved legs be enough? Maybe a tragic drug dependency to Cold-EEZE would help?

Ah, here at work time to become nearly-normal Bill, put to rest these deep, deep thoughts and try out these new earbuds.

Hot Mess Bynes after a Brutal Spin Class Workout

Bikes & iPods - a Question

I rode the bike into work today for the second day in a row. This is a record for me given my recent indifference to exercise. I told myPeg that I'm "tour ready" and got some snarky comment about what steroids I'm taking. "Coffee" - yeah I'm a lightweight. Today I experimented with the iPod a bit listening to Gutfeld's RedEye on the way in and "Bill's Greatest Hits" on the way home. Just one earbud, but...

Here's my question is this one ear bud iPod bike riding a gateway drug? Will I move up to both ears? Will I find myself with some Husting invented tube boombox with giant headphones blasting God knows what directly into my cerebellum, deaf and oblivious to the oncoming ambulance? I enjoyed my ride with a musical accompaniment in one ear. Music that I couldn't change because I didn't want to smack into the back of some parked car like D-TOSRV did so I was stuck listening to music I picked but wasn't in the mood for reminding me of my youth, sitting on the schoolbus listening to "Dream Weaver" whispering, "Turn it off, turn it off, TURN IT OFF!" In this particular case it was "Deathly" which I just wasn't in the mood for but couldn't change like I could during a walk. I was STUCK with Aimee's whining - I started to grin.

Here's the thing - I enjoyed it but I don't want to get pancaked by some motorist because I was inattentive. My fellow bikers or anyone reading this with a chip on your shoulder - do you bike with an iPod? If so what do you do, one ear or two?

Bill's Tire Town

My grandmother, may she rest in peace, was something of a unique individual. She opposed seatbelt laws and was always looking for unusual ways to make money like having a patent on a sun visor that followed the sun. One thing she did that was very sweet was give me an acre of land in New Mexico shortly before she passed away, "I took a shot that the city would go one way but it went the other way."

"Well grandma it might go that way one day, thank you!"

So for 15 or so years I've been paying $6 a year in taxes on property I've never seen, idly hoping someone would strike oil or want to build a sky scraper when the city decided to turn around and go that way. Last week I got a certified letter from Torrance County. Actually getting the letter turned into the kind of bureaucratic nightmare only the federal government using it's catspaw the post office could devise. It took a week of back and forth but I finally got the stupid letter Monday after driving to the post office and showing them ID and signing for it ninety times.

I open the letter and it's from some New Mexico Code Enforcement officer. His opening got us off pretty much on the wrong foot, "Dear Landowner, We are sending you this letter because you have illegally dumped tires and debris on your property."

God DAMN those blackouts! It explains so much, why I'm always tired and my lower back hurts. There's no other explanation for the deviant ways of the Midnight Bill, Tire Dumper.

There were other threats and saber rattling but it boiled down to, "We don't care who did it, it's your property so you can clean it up or start paying fines and facing jail time." I ponder the trade off of jail time versus writing these reviews for my staff before picking up the phone and calling officer DeCosta.

He explains it's gonna cost around 1,800 bucks to clean the mess up. He's not sure since he hasn't actually been out there but since this is on four lots you can divide the cost by four. Also he gives me the coordinates to my little piece of heaven, Lot 7 Estancia Ranchettes so I can look at the "compound" using Google Earth if I want to.

He explains that my lot is in the bottom most, southwest corner of Estancia Ranchettes and that of all the lots only a few have been developed, as in had power and running water but they are far away from mine. I'll let officer DeCosta explain, "Your type of lot is favored by folk who um don't like other people, you know just don't want to be around them (OK that sounds like grandma!). You could say they're the crazies. They might be building some sort of tire wall on your land," and he kinda giggles.

OK now I'm wondering if there's going to be some sort of Branch Davidian siege of Bill's Tire Town when he pops that bubble saying that it's apparently deserted and they left some sort of dilapidated school bus behind. At least that's what he thinks it is from peering into google maps.

I tell him I plan to get this mess cleaned up and sell the property ASAP. He thinks I can get about $900 for it. I thank him, hang up and plug in the coordinates.

I grabbed two pictures of the site, the first one shows where my lovely lot is in relation to civilization. Off to the lower left you can see Albuquerque. Sort of in the center is Santa Fe and the upper right is Philmont where I suffered mightily last summer. In the bottom center is a little yellow push-pin indicating Lot 7 Estancia Ranchettes.

See it? If any of you are psychic would you do me a favor, contact my grandmother and ask her, "What city went the wrong way? WHAT CITY????!!!! THERE ARE NO CITIES, JUST DESERT GRANDMA!"

The nearest city is mine, Bill's Tire Town.

Now if you scroll down a bit you'll see a close up.

Yes it could be mistaken for the surface of Mars but alas it's nothing so exotic. All those black things are tires and one fourth of them are mine. Isn't that great?! I get to pay for their removal because some lazy butt wouldn't man up and take care of it himself. I hope his car suffers forever from flat tires! I hope he's out there now muttering to himself, chewing rubber and trying to figure out how to best defend his Ken Kesey bus from the zombie apocalypse.

But he isn't is he? He's moved on leaving his mess for others to pick up. The dick.

Bill's Tire Town - Population Bill

goFast sent an update in a comment using Google's way-back feature illustrating a Bill's Tire Town back in its heyday. There is a certain siege mentality in the following and the next photo on May 28, 2009 shows the ruins in the above pic. What Mad Max/Breaking Bad battle occurred? Feel free to sift through the ruins and find out, just let me know.