Lost In Space

ponyTail is convinced she's hopping between alternate universes. She's identified four so far, The Universe of No Recollection, The Universe of the Endless Meeting, The Universe of the Whiny Kids, and her favorite I suspect, The Universe of Beer or Tequila with the Girls.

I watch her closely from the upright bike trying to decide if I should tell her or not...

I'm pretty sure I caused it, this overlap of alternate universes with various intersections into heaven or hell, and it's growing increasingly unstable. This morning I come into the gym around 5:30am (the gym appears to be one of the focal points) and IronMan and awesomeGirl are already there! Since I know what's going on, I know enough to act perfectly casual and ask no questions. The last time I asked questions I was shoved into a psych ward, pumped full of Thorazine and 'observed' for twenty four hours.

I feel bad having caused this, that Karma thing again I guess. Well maybe not. You see I was in a meeting room recently and there's this handwritten sign on the wall, in red sharpie that reads, "Do NOT push this button!" Oh COME ON! You would have pushed it too!

awesomeGirl strolls over like it's utterly normal for her to be here at this hour and asks, "Is that allyMcBeal on the StairClimber?"

I glance over, gasp and stage whisper, "You see her?!"

She looks at me suspiciously, "Of course I see her! Who is she?"

"ghostGirl!!!"

"Well who the heck is ghostGirl?!"

"I don't know!!!"

And suddenly I'm back on the bike, uh oh, it's getting worse! I'm rasping for breath and AT Everest is on a recombinant next to me... WHY ISN'T SHE ON HER BELOVED ELLIPTICAL??!! While ponyTail hums along on a treadmill and ghostGirl is still on the StairClimber looking rather bored with all universe shifting going on. Sweat is pouring into my eyes and I'm wondering how long I've been doing this work interval when suddenly ponyTail is on my left working with the dumbbells...

Weird.

I'm about to enter another work interval when badMood enters the gym looking incredibly surly. I pretend to adjust the iPhone and snap this picture before entering the next work interval.

badMood

badMood is on the StairClimber laughing while evilIronMan whips me with an exercise strap giggling, "Faster, harder!" and I'm feeling the moorings coming undone and I still have some fight left but I'm simply...

Lost in space above all drifting
To a place where planets shifting
The moon erased, it's features lifting
The glare

But I am the stuff of happy endings
Though mostly bluff, belief suspending
But close enough for just pretending
To care

And I'm pretending to care
When I'm not even there
Gone but I don't know where
-Aimee Mann

Just when I thought I was out... they pull me back in.

'The Troubles' reappeared. These are technical issues and I thought we had resolved them but alas no. It is ongoing and I'm sick of being reactive to it and am going to go more proactive on the things I can effect.

I got a support call last night that I had to deal with (along with others, Bill is not alone in this) so when I got up I was not in the mood to work out. Being a creature of habit I did show up at the gym and gabbed with IronMan, Kingsley, awesomeGirl and goodMood. AT Everest was even there having survived my attempt at manslaughter yesterday. I didn't even need a shower (the hot water has been restored) though I did towel my jaw off, it got a pretty good workout.

I was soooo hoping to talk about this book today but it will have to wait. I want to geek out with Bubbles over it and figure out how we should tackle my attempt next spring at a century (100 miles) on the bike. Plus, when I ride with TomS, I simply must drop him, in short I don't want to be the wheezy one. Alas gab about the aerobic engine, glycolytic energy systems, overload and recovery principals, VO2max and the dreaded lactate threshold will have to wait for another day.

I have other things to do at the moment.

The Great Gom

"Where are we with that medicinal marijuana?"

Bubbles stares up at me from behind her desk, the top of her red head and eyes peer out above her monitor. She's amused, "Well I know I don't have any."

Well of course she doesn't have any, she's I don't know how pregnant at this point except she resembles a serious beer drinker with that gut of hers. What's her lack of medicinal pot have to do with anything? I'm in real trouble here and it's time to take grave action if I'm ever going to get right with the Great Gom, the fiendish little Karma imp that's wrecking my life at the moment.

"Well write me a script for it then."

"I'm not a physician."

AGAIN, what's that have to do with anything?!

"Well exactly what does that highfalutin degree of yours get you then if you can't write me a script for much needed medicinal marijuana? BILL HAS NEEDS!"

"Well I can get various certifications. I don't ever want to stop learning, my field changes all the time."

Super. She plans on learning new ways to destroy shunned, stinky Bill. I'm obviously going to have to think of a new way of appeasing the Great Gom. I had plans to build a temple in the basement, put on some Doors music, find a bong and commune with Jim Morrison. I figure he could help me break on through to the other side and I could get to the bottom of this Karmic nightmare once and for all.

Mentally wadding that idea up and tossing it in the metaphoric trashcan I realize I'm going to have to rethink this. It was a good plan too, darn it. The Great Gom has blocked access to direct contact through medicine and sixties music spirituality. He wants to kill me.

What I'm worried about is my black hole Karma is now effecting others, my dark aura enfolding others like Satan's smog. This is day two of frosty showers and many of us are bailing over to 'the big house.' AT Everest wants to also but she needs a ride forcing me to rip through the ABS routine the way Bubbles intended it as opposed to the Bill way of complaining about it and goofing off between each set. Her eyesight isn't that great and none of us are keen on having her brave the chilly October morn in her gym attire, she needs a ride, I offer one. Fool that I am.

So I take the lady gently by the elbow and steer her to my car and we chat about this and that before heading into the building off parking lot 6. The parking lot is well lit as I steer her for the doors and I'm about to make a particularly witty remark I'm certain when she suddenly vanishes.

Poof!

Oh no.

I look down and she's sprawled out on the sidewalk having tripped over a four inch lip that separates the parking lot from the sidewalk. It never occurred to me to call that obstacle out to her. I help her up apologizing the whole time. I feel beyond horrible. She's sporting a nice cut on her knee to boot. Great, just great.

I leave her by the elevators and grab some bandages and antiseptic wipes from the first aid station before dropping her off at the woman's locker.

I'm so sorry AT Everest! I hope your knee is OK!

So how do I get this Great Gom off my back?!

My time is running out. I sense, peripherally, my impending doom. If you're not part of the mob carrying pitchforks and torches you'll probably watch sadly as I'm actively hunted and brought down on the security cameras or uTube. Me, the Karmic monster, shunned stinky Bill.

Karma's Doghouse

I deserve all I get. I certainly deserve this icy stream of water flowing over me. I bolted upright in my bed this morning at 3:55am, having spent the last thirty minutes playing doze but don't let the alarm go off! It's a fun game if you're into being tired. I'm not. Next time it happens (probably tomorrow) I'm just gonna get out of bed and go to the gym.

I'm doomed. I'm moping around the house and finally send the email, "I have no excuse. Yesterday got totally away from me - I will call you today and grovel - I'm sorry mom, Happy Belated Birthday!!!"

I forgot my mother's birthday and can already feel my father's ire, his upcoming pronouncement, "Bill shall be SHUNNED! SHUN HIM!!!" and then they will all turn away from bumbling Bill, the shunned one.

I bet my sister didn't forget, damn her!

So evil Karma is still dishing out vengeance for what I did in some past life I guess. I must have snubbed Shirley MacLaine or something. I'll probably pull a hammy at the gym today to boot. I feel awful about mom.

I hammer through Bubbles' Tuesday routine and the gym is filling with life which is nice. IronMan is there along with AT Everest, Kingsley, awesomeGirl, goodMood and Kojak.

Kojak? I thought he was dead. I mean I hadn't seen him in forever so I just figured... well anyway he's kinda hard to recognize with the beard, like he's trying out for prison or something. Bubbles is walking him through some routine and I try not to make too much eye contact, I think he can sense I'm in Karma's doghouse. Kojak also was sporting a clear water bottle as opposed to his trademark Mountain Dew one, but I just shrugged that off as a sign of the apocalypse and nothing to do with my current woes.

I note I have yet to master the zen art of standing on a BOSU ball while holding one leg up and curling 8lb dumbbells, dejected, I head for the showers.

Once again Karma doth smite me! Apparently there was some leak that came from the womens ceiling (what the ladies were doing on the ceiling, hanging from the pipes don't ask me, women remain a mystery to yours truly) that necessitated turning off the hot water. IronMan had sprinted ahead of me and was working up a furious lather in his stall while I was just starting my 'pre-rinse' cycle when the screaming started. The cold water that hit me was quite invigorating if you're into jumping into ice covered lakes (I'm not) and made me wish I had my HR monitor on so that I'd know what my maxHR was but alas no. Karma is nothing if not capricious. At least I wasn't covered in soap bubbles like apparently poor IronMan was, his screams had Bubbles standing nervously near the doorway when we exited.

I suspect my day will continue on its downward slope.

I remain somewhat slightly shunned and stinky,

Bill

Hey now, if you forgot mom's birthday,
And you got a tale to tell.
Just take a walk down lonely street
To Karma's doghouse.

Welcome to Monday

Happy Birthday Mom!!!

Well that might keep me in the will for awhile... :-)

Let's see, I have all the portents of a truly crappy week ahead of me ('cept for mom's bday), in short Monday has not started well. I'll just get the unpleasantness out of the way.

I woke up at 3am, dozed off and on and finally went to the second alarm at 3:50am (set to go off at 5:07am), snuggled the wife real savage like and finally lumbered out of bed like a bear awoken too early from hibernation stumbling about a cold cold room at 4:20. I did not want to go into the gym today, had no problems fully embracing my Sunday rest day and... bleh.

So I sit on the couch and drink my morning coffee and finally head in, irked with my whiny butt. I'm still in a bit of denial about the whole 'fall' thing so I had the heater blasting while wearing just shorts and a t-shirt on my way into the gym, but I also put my panniers in the garage - a concession to the inevitable. So I'm sitting on my pal the upright, idly turning the pedals, prepping the iPod (untangling the ear buds) and wondering what the heck I'm doing on the bike in the first place.

What is it with me and bikes?

They're addictive devices spawned straight from the furnaces of the seventh circle of hell and, "Hi, my name is Bill and ever since goFast introduced me to the country road I've been a bike addict." When did that happen? The long ride, the quiet, the unremembered epiphanies, the casual glance at the arrayed computers for a check on how I'm doing, how far I've gone. Next summer I want to do a century for absolutely no reason what-so-ever. I think the MS society has one right in the middle of that blast furnace called August, and why not? Strap on a t-shirt for a cause, maybe get a free water bottle and suffer for science. Why not? Maybe I can even get TomS to go with me.

He'll probably drop me, the prick.

Saturday I'm in the Trek store for some made up reason just looking at precious and hanging. I notice that the higher end Madone's have their cables going into the frame of the bike and I want it. The next thing I know I'm on the darned Trek Project One site custom building one. I was playing around with components trying to get the price down to the range of my bike and... WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I never could do it, get the price down enough, even for me and when it comes to this sort of stuff I can be very flexible. My wife is certain I'm going through a mid-life crises.

I'm hammering out the first interval when the Garmin just gives up the ghost and goes blank. So there is no record of my suffering today. Well except this post, and you having to wade through it. It sorta gave me fair warning this morning. When I cut it on it said 'low battery' - thing is that's hard to address in the locker room.

The iPod is playing the crap Bill isn't in the mood for play list and I'm just gutting that out. I figure it's probably best to keep my head down at this point in time, lay low before the REAL nightmare (whatever it is) begins. So I listen to one sucky song after another, and it's all my fault, don'tcha hate that? I mean I selected them at one time. So I pay it forward and don't hit the 'skip' button hoping whatever lies ahead realizes that I'm cowed and moves on.

I finish the intervals and do some of the ABS halfhearted before heading to the lockers. Am I at some sort of crossroads here? Where is the joy and anticipation I once had or is this just a bad set of days?

And of course I weigh 202lbs, four pounds over last week.

Welcome to Monday.

Indoor Trainers

I'm determined to do the cardio work today, I both hate it and crave it. How messed up is that? So I dawdle and stall in the locker room and finally man up. I'm here aren't I? Time to pay the piper.

As I'm just getting ready for the first work interval at the ghost town gym (AT Everest was a no show - I hope she's OK), IronMan strolls in, shortly followed by goodMood. It's early for them. They probably read my blog and fear (as they should) that I would rat them out like I just did AT Everest. awesomeGirl was also absent, I hope she's OK too!

After I get through the first work interval I ponder the latest text messages I've gotten from TomS. TomS is enjoying his new bike but the weather has turned to crap of late and giving all of us a big heads up on the approach of winter. This has focused TomS (who sadly lacks an awesome gym like I have access to, and even though he BEGS me I refuse to marry him so that he'll get spousal access, I'm just not into that whole polygamy thing) on bike trainers.

I did a brief scan and liked the 1up trainer. Yesterday afternoon at 6:05pm I'm staring at the following text.

TomS: Okay I sent a reply to an earlier email about the Kurt kinetic line of trainers. You were supposed to evaluate them and give me your assessment. What's with the delay?

Bill: Having already selected the 1up trainer for you all research stopped unless you can get me federal aid through some stimulus package. Plus I don't recall the email.

TomS: I sent it around 4:00. Plenty of time to do the research.

Bill: Ahhh thanks for all the background links etc ::rolls eyes:: I'll post my results to your facebook wall after dinner.

TomS: I didn't want to curb your creativity.

I looked at the trainer, selected the Kurt Kinetic Pro Trainer and promptly put it on my Amazon wish list where it will rot along with other things Bill can't afford.

Given all the nagging I should probably just go ahead and marry TomS and be done with it.

Somewhere around the seventh work interval ponyTail strolls in and hops on a treadmill. I give her a bleary (I take my glasses off due to excessive sweating) wave from the bike.

I finally (YAY!) stagger off the thing, wipe it down, stumble around oxygen deprived and endorphin stupid before dragging out a BOSU ball and sitting on some Nike steps trying to work up the will for some situp/getups and deciding yakking with IronMan, who's doing some sort of situp with a weight on his chest, before 'stretching' his back and nearly falling asleep, might be needed. It's been awhile since I saw the lad.

So we're jawing about our various woes and I'm trying to figure out how to hook him up with TomS when goodMood strolls by saying he's done. If goodMood's done, we're all done, well except for ponyTail who kept hammering along. I might not be a polygamist but I'm all over peer pressure.

Repetitions at the Ghost Town Gym

First heartfelt condolences to Bubbles and her family on the recent loss of her grandfather :-(

Two days in a row now which is pretty cool. Well actually it was pretty cool this morning, fall walked up and said, "HOWDY!" and when I woke up the outside thermometer said it was 37 degrees Fahrenheit. This was most likely the reason IronMan was a no show in the gym today deciding to remain a snuggled up to JRock, the pansy. Er - not that I'm calling JRock a pansy that's not what I meant, dear God the next time I'm dumb enough to do a fun run she'd kill me. No IronMan's the pansy but I guess it's tough dealing with these temperatures when you're made of metal. But let me be clear JROCK IS NOT PANSY!

::frantically mops brow::

So it was me, Kingsley and AT Everest throughout the morning, doing reps in the ghost town gym. We pretty much kept to ourselves which allowed me to focus and I was surprised I was done in forty-five minutes. Good and bad. I prefer being a distracted chatty Cathy as opposed to Mr. Get Through It. It makes the time more pleasant.

Right when I finished up goodMood shows looking around at the silent machines and the empty gym wondering where IronMan was. Kingsley had left and AT Everest was bending herself into a pretzel in another room. I shower, check my weight (I went from 198 to 200, WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? Does lack of extreme stress make Bill a fat boy???) dress and drop by the gym on my way out.

goodMood was in there all by his lonesome, he's kind of hard to see since he lost so much weight. I tell him this is what it would be like if he won the lottery and had his own private gym, kinda lonely. He agrees before heading back to the dumbbells. No IronMan, no ponyTail and no awesomeGirl?!

Heads up pikers! It looks like I may be making a comeback here and if so then know this, I won't HESITATE to rat you out if you're not here to add life and your own flavor of joy to this gym!

Are you on my frequency? Am I being cleeaaaarrr???

Have a fantastic day!