The Dark Side of The Gym

Someone forwarded me an email sent to LT - I was SHOCKED this sort of backstabbing went on in our peaceful gym.

From: "Mole,The"
Date: Friday, April 19, 2019 at 9:01 AM
To: "LT"
Cc: [redacted], [redacted], [redacted]
Subject: Today's Spin Class

LT,

I’m using a double-blind app I bought from Kmart to mask my identity since this email puts my very life at risk! Call me ‘The Mole.’

We were all devastated that you weren’t at Spin today and found ourselves under Other Trainer's tender (though slightly sadistic) mercies. She worked us hard which brings me to the point of this missive.

After class [redacted], [redacted] and [redacted] were quite vocal in saying how hard that class was, how tired and thoroughly spent they were. 

Sadly, the implication is clear, isn’t it?

They don’t feel you’re pushing them hard enough at Friday’s spin and desperately need you to bring them to the next level of pain and suffering. TURN IT UP!

For the record, I’m good and don’t need any pushing, seriously, couldn’t be happier!

Sincerely,

Bi… er The Mole.

Let's Watch!

SPIN Damn Your Eyes!

I figured I was in trouble when LT opened with, "Let's start with a light warm up... say, 'yes'"

Reenactment 

We've started with only four bikes but people keep coming in until finally the last dude kicks LT off her bike. Ghost wafted in, brows furrowed at the class size and got straight to it. Maybe next time I'll get the full Ghost experience but I was glad to see her. This is bad news since LT can completely focus on inflicting elevated heart rates and increased whining without being distracted by actually spinning.

Our collective suffering was unspeakable and I shall never speak of it again. All I can remember is saying "yes" and what might be best described as elfish giggling.

It was weird and fun and LT should consider remaining off the bike and marching around like a demonic elf drill sergeant more often. She looked like she was having fun.

I'm also considering "Throw Back Thursdays" where we all come to the gym in fantastic 70s workout attire!

Say 'Yes'

PS: I don't workout on Thursdays...

Wednesday

I'm starting to get back on track after I (barely) survived my wife's attempt to murder me last weekend. She tried doing it using a 5K. I ended up doing 6.8 miles throughout the day and that ended up being pretty tough on my knee.

So I took Monday "off" from the gym - my knee is a tricky thing and when it first went bad it hurt so much I literally couldn't sleep. A friend described it best, "The pain is like a toothache" endless. Now that I'm getting gel injected into it I can sleep and I'm not in much pain (I limp) which I'm beginning to view more as a feature, like Ahab.

I might be hypersensitive to it but if I'm going to really succeed at taking care of myself I'm going to have to find balance between the parts of my body that still sorta work and the parts that are, sigh, in decline like my very arthritic knee.

My path will be what my wife described as, "Finding the balance... and coffee."

The Feng-shui of exercise routines.

I do LT's upper body thing today and tried to pick up the pace with pretty good success, my (#deep) thought being a higher heart rate will help with fat reduction.

Once done I decide LT simply must see my HR chart. She says, "This makes my heart happy."

Spin on Friday.

Ghost

Back on the spinner and Ghost is a no show - again! She's wise to avoid me in these situations, I'll suck up all her oxygen, my well honed machine of a body craves more air, more pain, more spin and more beer to deal with the pain of being ... me. Ghost frequently whispers faint excuses to me through electronic media...

"I blew my knee out..."

"I knocked over a gas station and couldn't make bail..."

"I don't like you..."

LT is amusing herself by putting us through something called a "pyramid." Its intervals with the work time going from 20 to 40 to 60 seconds and then back down. The rest interval remaining pretty much the same unless you ask LT about her dog or something else I couldn't make out in the crappy gym acoustics.

Sweaty dude to my right, who needs to be named, blows the dog question.

LT's brow furrows, her voice thundering like an enraged Wizard of Oz, "OK, pick it up, let's go!" cutting short the rest interval.

I want to puke, I glance across the basketball court judging if I can make it to the trash can. It's so far, so very far. I keep up the sprint instead. If I'm going to puke then it might as well be EPIC! I swig more water adding fuel to the fire. I take small solace knowing how disappointed Ghost would be not seeing me puking all over the bike. Too bad Ghost.

Maybe I'll die instead, yeah that's what's needed in these situations. OK too dramatic, passing out is an option. I glance up and LT is doing stretches at an easy cadence.

It's over?

Yep.

Too bad.

Oh, and I'm starting to lose weight despite my evil ways.

Quick Start

I'm awake super early, mentally dealing splendidly with issues I can do nothing about at 4AM on a Monday morning. I struggle for sleep, give up at 5 and head for the gym.

I'm grumpy and sleep deprived, the perfect combination for a workout, toss in the fact that I forgot LT's seven circles of hell workout she made for me and I decide to do the machines.

It's been forever since I tried an elliptical so why not?

I decide on the above machine, I believe it's called the "XT One Pathway to Madness" and start peddling. Right when I'm about to stop peddling and look for an "on" button the display cuts on, offering a smorgasbord of options. I figure the nine hundred CPUs in this thing need a fair amount of power to function.

I'm staring at the display, I DON'T KNOW! It's like 5:30 in the morning and do I want to walk, run, hike or climb??? I jab "walk" and try to get to the next screen. What I want to do is get a good workout (sweaty) for fifteen minutes and then move to a spinner for another fifteen minutes before bitching to you about it in this blog. 

How do I enter time? And I want to experience X Mode ("a builtin personal trainer to motivate you with intense intervals") but I can't enter time. 

Frustrated I move one machine down since it looks like the kind I use to use. And it's just different enough to present a challenge for yours truly. 

I choose "fat burn" having recently caught myself in the mirror. Next it asks for age, then weight and finally time. I enter all of that happy crap, press start and the machine turns off.

The stream of profanity that erupts from my mouth is enough to immediately embarrass me. Iron Man and the other dude don't need to hear it! Other dude strolls over and tells me I need to peddle to get the machine to turn on. I take a deep breath, thank him and resume peddling. I enter all the stuff needed and press "enter" this time and I'm off and ellipticalling. 

After that I did fifteen on the spinner and called it a day.

I catch LT in the lobby area and mention my challenges with the ellipticals.

She informs me, "What you should do with all of the machines here is press 'Quick Start' and go."

Good to know.