Fortune Cookies and Their Damnable Lies.

"Really great people make you feel that you too can become great." When did fortune cookies become so condescending? 'Really great' people don't give me the time of day until the inevitable restraining order arrives. I seem to find myself endlessly irritated at the moment. Currently I'm irritated by the fact that I'm being asked to get my weight in line by my company's insurance police or pay about $200 to continue my ho-ho eating ways.

I can understand this when it applies to smokers and heroin addicts, keeping our collective costs down because of those peoples irresponsible ways is understandable, but moi? Not so much. I dealt with this by sending a cranky, venty email to my HR person about the injustice of these bait and switch tactics before signing up for their weight management program. I then put Gillian Welch's bluesy, addictive music on permanent loop and tried to settle down.

They caught the katy, and left me a mule to ride.
The fortune lady came along she walked beside,
but every word seemed to date her.
Time's the revelator, the revelator.

Fine. It's probably what I need anyway, some harsh corporate mistress slapping my hand every time I reach for an Oreo while singing the siren call of the gym. Damnation. Doom. Self-discipline is not my forte. I wanna do right, but not right now... mmhmm I hope my subsequent implosion will have the epitaph of:

He went down swinging

as opposed to:

Queen of Fakes and Imitators

Time's the revelator.

Angst, Christmas and the Death of Wheezy AGAIN

I opted for walking the dog this morning having enjoyed snuggling with my wife a bit too much. My fancy iPod nano recording my every step. This walk consisted of 3,146 steps and was 1.53mi long, burning 187 calories and if you buy that wisdom then keep reading bucko! Since I got the gift in October I've taken 479,753 steps - in your face nameless person! As Layla and I walked in the morning drizzle I pondered the current political environment of fear and loathing, honestly, why does Harry Reid hate unicorns? Haters gonna hate I guess but I thought everyone liked unicorns.

Last night Wheezy found herself trapped in a cave with a giant she managed to piss off, probably because she was sent there to kill him by some bigwig Jarl. Look, it's a living, don't judge her. She's perpetually broke blowing her winnings on training, weapons, and housing not that they help much. To the casual observer, unfamiliar with Wheezy's fighting style it might appear that she was taunting her sluggish opponent with her ritual, "Neener, neener, neener - missed me, missed me now you got ta kiss..." WHACK the giant's club finally connecting with her like a dock worker's bat will connect with an occupy Wall Streeter's rib cage if they don't unoccupy those ports. By the third time she respawned Wheezy had learned her lesson, pumping ninety arrows into the giant having it crash, Goliath like, at her feet. Another 100 gold pieces towards that patio furniture she's been eying but first she has to buy the house.

My boss dropped off Christmas, er holiday gifts for his staff today since he's taking the next two weeks off. His Birkman red leadership style nicely offsetting my Birkman blonde by beating me to the punch. Actually by forcing me to act. I eye the generous gift thoughtfully and in the spirit of Christmas darkly mutter, "There will be... retribution!"

Nordic Aryan Master Race - Methinks Not

Back on the bike - dammit! I'm stuck in a weird head space pondering my next move. After yesterday's whine fest I decided to strap on a heart rate monitor and put Diablo's manifesto to the test.

Now my thighs burn and I'm tired - I'm bitter since I appear to have been cheated on the endorphin buzz, which is an interesting high since I feel a bit like a member of the Nordic Aryan master race when under its influence. All superior to you weak fools who phoned it in - again. It's a great high until I get bitch slapped by the deep dark truthful mirror and behold the flabby, middle aged wreck that is Wheezy. It's why I don't look into mirrors, they're Aryan Master Race destroyers.

 So its been about an hour since I finished my brutal thirty-five minute workout and I have to say, "I'm not feeling any thinner here Diablo!" I guess I did something wrong and will have to do it again.

Haters Gonna Hate

I'm humping this 'hill' on the spinner attempting to push my heart rate past indifferent into the near anaerobic stage as I halfheartedly follow Diablo's manifesto from yesterday. I hate this, it's hard.

When did I become a hater? I should be a halfhearted hater... but I'm not.

So I managed to get out of bed early enough to get in the gym for a 35min interval workout on the spinner. Five hills of 2:30 up and 2:30 down or something like that. Redeye is blasting in my ears distracting me from the task at hand. I'm not wearing my heart rate monitor so I'm flying blind but I can tell I'm well below the "95%–100%"max HR that Diablo is babbling about. I know this because I'm not covered in sweat wishing I was dead. And I mean, really??!! I'm suppose to jack my HR up that high five times in 35 minutes?

So what's the point? Am I doing anything beneficial AT ALL?! Or am I getting out of bed early for no good reason what-so-ever?

I hate this indifferent exercise funk I seem to be permanently locked in.

Fat Burning and Insanity

Well Diablo has gone insane, sadly these things happen. He sent out an email today that immediately piqued my curiosity:

Burning Fat: Myths and Facts


Here's where he loses touch with reality, poor baby:


The Bottom Line:
 
For fat and weight loss, what matters most is the difference between the number of calories you expend and the number of calories you consume. Fat and weight loss is about burning lots of calories and cutting back on the number of calories consumed. For the purpose of losing weight, it matters little whether the calories burned during exercise come from fat or carbohydrates.
 
Workouts for Fat Loss:
...
Go Hard
 
A great way to perform high-intensity exercise and decrease your body fat percentage is through interval training, which breaks up the work with periods of rest. Not only does interval training allow you to improve your fitness quickly; it is also more effective than continuous exercise for burning lots of calories during exercise and increasing your postworkout metabolic rate. Try one or two of these workouts each week:     

• 5–6 x 3 minutes at 95%–100% maximum (max) heart rate (HR) with 2-minute active recovery periods
• 4 x 4 minutes at 95%–100% max HR with 3-minute active recovery periods
• 8–12 x 30 seconds fast with 1-minute active recovery periods

Each of these interval workouts should include a warm-up and a cool-down.
 
Go Very Long
 
Long runs or bike rides (≥ 1.5–2 hours at 65%–70% max HR) that stimulate mitochondrial synthesis and promote the depletion of glycogen threaten the muscles’ survival, since carbohydrates are muscles’ preferred fuel. In response to this threat, muscles “learn” how to use fat more effectively and over time become better fat-burning machines.

Enjoy,

ENJOY?! I mean really ::rolls eyes::

Hints of Hope

Yesterday I overslept and for punishment took the dog out in the early morning with arctic temperatures. The day only got better when my wife called telling me the garage door was broken. So we dealt with that.

Today I'm on the spinner doing intervals and experimenting with actually pushing myself a little. I may even bring myself to sweat - GROSS - but my father has told me that my lard ass ways must once again come to a close after the Christmas Holidays. I stop signalling the trainer for another Mimosa out of guilt. Stupid dad. Mulling it over I call out to the trainer to bring me a DIET Mimosa - dammit! - it's vile, truly it is.

I hope you're happy father!

So, as usual of late, I'm hammered and a bit time crunched. Humping up these virtual hills but only three of them because I was up too late playing Skyrim followed by over sleeping and getting to the gym late. Wheezy the wood elf suffered mightily last night. It took her forever to get past these two orcs so she could do something weird to the glowing red skull. Wheezy is a thief, a very frail thief; preferring to avoid any conflict where possible. She's also pretty clumsy when it comes to pick pocketing. I'm in therapy about Wheezy being a chick.

 Still, I pushed it today... a little and that gives me a little hope.