Quick Start

I'm awake super early, mentally dealing splendidly with issues I can do nothing about at 4AM on a Monday morning. I struggle for sleep, give up at 5 and head for the gym.

I'm grumpy and sleep deprived, the perfect combination for a workout, toss in the fact that I forgot LT's seven circles of hell workout she made for me and I decide to do the machines.

It's been forever since I tried an elliptical so why not?

I decide on the above machine, I believe it's called the "XT One Pathway to Madness" and start peddling. Right when I'm about to stop peddling and look for an "on" button the display cuts on, offering a smorgasbord of options. I figure the nine hundred CPUs in this thing need a fair amount of power to function.

I'm staring at the display, I DON'T KNOW! It's like 5:30 in the morning and do I want to walk, run, hike or climb??? I jab "walk" and try to get to the next screen. What I want to do is get a good workout (sweaty) for fifteen minutes and then move to a spinner for another fifteen minutes before bitching to you about it in this blog. 

How do I enter time? And I want to experience X Mode ("a builtin personal trainer to motivate you with intense intervals") but I can't enter time. 

Frustrated I move one machine down since it looks like the kind I use to use. And it's just different enough to present a challenge for yours truly. 

I choose "fat burn" having recently caught myself in the mirror. Next it asks for age, then weight and finally time. I enter all of that happy crap, press start and the machine turns off.

The stream of profanity that erupts from my mouth is enough to immediately embarrass me. Iron Man and the other dude don't need to hear it! Other dude strolls over and tells me I need to peddle to get the machine to turn on. I take a deep breath, thank him and resume peddling. I enter all the stuff needed and press "enter" this time and I'm off and ellipticalling. 

After that I did fifteen on the spinner and called it a day.

I catch LT in the lobby area and mention my challenges with the ellipticals.

She informs me, "What you should do with all of the machines here is press 'Quick Start' and go."

Good to know.

Righteous Indignation

My wife glares at me with righteous indignation, her vegetable filled fork halfway to her mouth, "It's just not right." She's been describing some TV show she's latched onto in a love/hate sort of way. The episode that's raised her ire has to do with running a 5K. Their ignorance has wrecked that particular episode for her.

"I mean this guy goes running off for a bit and comes back saying he's gotten back being under a six minute mile." This is no small feat and I'm certain it was delivered by the actor in some sort "ho hum" manner which has seriously spiked her blood pressure.

For the record my wife takes running very seriously. She loves it and is a total dork about it. When it comes to running she's um spirited.

"Do you know what they did next?! They ran the race in the afternoon!!! I've never run a race in the afternoon!"

I interject, "I'm sorry, were you watching a documentary or a TV show? I'm guessing the lighting is better in the afternoon than the crack of dawn."

She grins at that, "It's just not right."

I did spin class today, LT was, well LT all happy to inflict suffering, elevated heart rates and sweat on her subjects.

I was so jazzed for this class I set up early and was bored, offering to set up other bikes for her.

"No, you guys do too much for me already! Get on an elliptical, or lift or something."

Nope.

Well OK I did some crunches but went to my "safe zone" - passive aggressive.

It was a great workout.

It's Just Another Whiny Wednesday

Dammit! I get about fifteen seconds into this exercise

Medium dumbbell reach/pull with march

2-3 x 30 seconds

“Crunch” start with arms up, pull arms down as you drive one knee up toward your chest, reach up as you lower your knee, and repeat)

and I'm doing it pretty much backwards, having my knee up and the stupid dumbbell over my head instead of at my chest.

I also, mildly, twinged my knee doing these 

Transverse twist (sumo punch)

2-3 x 30 seconds

Light dumbbells in each hand, set up with feet wide in “sumo squat” position, keeping arm in line with shoulder, jab across your chest (palm down), allow the knees to move with you, so your back knee will “drop” when you punch

I'll probably ask LT to give me something that requires less coordination or get it dumbed down enough that I can work up to the full nightmare once I "get it."

I'm hiding in the basketball area of the gym. No one needs to watch me trying to "get it" particularly at that time of the morning! Ironman strolls in to check on me and shoot the breeze, he's doing well and that's good. He's chastising me about not bringing in a water bottle, viewing my strolling down the hallway as slacking, but that's why he's Ironman and I'm wheezy. I may work up to that level of mania but I'm still working through getting into the gym at all! It's not exactly a struggle but it isn't a habit yet.

So I'm doing my lonely guy routines in the basketball court while pondering the mystery of the spin cycles. They're arranged in a perfect semi-circle around LT's bike, like a weird exercise crop circle or Stonehenge ... they shouldn't be here, should they? I have a need to know the backstory and no one to ask.

In the showers I'm confronted with another, darker mystery. Why is there shaving cream in the men's shower? I can't imaging trying to shave without a mirror, images of "the goo that was your face" fill my head.

Are we suppose to shave our legs for spin class? I'll have to ask LT but I have yet to hear her say, "Have you shaved your legs? Say 'yes.'" and I'm certain she'd say "yes" anyway just for the sport of it, not knowing how crazy I am.

I'd probably drop eight to twelve pounds just shaving my back! But I'll have to get better at stretching.

So many mysteries when one works out. I wonder if I'll ever solve them!

I'll leave you with this image ...

You're welcome.

Unicorn Dust and Mermaid Powder

I'm pondering my next move while 'bouncing' on the spinner like an afflicted kangaroo. LT is asking politely to please continue suffering and I'm in the mood to agree with her but I'm not sure why.

The day started at 6AM with LT "splaining" to me my brand spanking new work out routine. She patiently walked my through each of the exercises and followed up with an email offering further help. Since these exercises require something called "form" and if I do it wrong I'll never win the Olympic events in Resistance Loop – Standing Squat Walks or the dreaded Transverse Twist (Sumo Punch) if I mess up my form. I'm certain she'll be hearing from me. What really caught my ear was if I mess it up or do something called "cheating" I could injure my knee (an arthritic mess) or some other body part. As difficult as it is for you, kind reader, to believe (unless you've seen me) I'm no spring chicken.

She made me, made me (!) do every exercise while paying attention to my form. I'm being forced to watch my form in a mirror and I apologize to anyone who had to witness that! As a practice I avoid mirrors like a vampire, every time I glance into one I let out a little scream at the wreck that stares back.

Depravity, though fun, has consequences. #deepWisdom

Anyway we'll see what I forgot about form come Wednesday when I try that routine "for realz." Today I wanted to do another spin class so I'm half-interestedly already messing up the Transverse Twist to pass the time until class starts.

I snap back to reality when LT begins gabbing about "Unicorn Dust" and "Mermaid Powder" and tossing somewhere into my fugue talk of corporate drug testing. Damn my fugue states! I've probably missed important exercise information here. 

I decide I'm definitely "Unicorn Dust" and "Mermaid Powder" curious but the class has moved on to wheezing and gasping while LT screams out countdowns to end one's suffering.

I wonder what a gram of Unicorn Dust and/or Mermaid Powder costs? Can you mix them? What are the um benefits? Am I jumping to conclusions here, I mean I have no idea if you snort them or not. I'm relieved that my suspicions have been validated and Unicorns and Mermaids exist and I'm hopeful we're not hunting them to extinction but instead can harvest these vital exercise enhancers like dandruff?

ew

Well if I can figure out to score some I'll get back to you on it's benefits.

At the end of class I'm sweaty and gross and am now facing eight hours of work. Other weird things are starting to happen to me but I'll babble about that later.

-       Dynamic Warmup: 30 seconds, 2 times through 

o  March in place (core engaged)

o  Calf raises (tip toes)

o  Arm circles forward, circles back

o  Balance with leg swing right

o  Balance with leg swing left

Full Body Strength/Cardio Intervals: 2-3 times per week, 12-15 repetitions (or 30 seconds), 3 times through

Exercise	Sets x Repetitions	Notes
Wall sit w/ weight at chest	2-3 x 30 seconds	Press back against wall, bend your knees as much as you can, and hold!
Quick feet	2-3 x 30 seconds	Widen feet, bend knees, and “run” in place as quickly as you can – think football drill
Resistance loop – glute bridges	2-3 x 12-15 reps	Flat on your back, bend knees, lift and lower hips
Resistance loop – standing squat walks	2-3 x 30 seconds	Keep toes forward, small bend in knee, walk side to side
Resistance loop – decline chest press (med/heavy DBS)	2-3 x 12-15 reps	Keep loop, press hips up and hold, add a chest press motion, life up chin
Adductor Clam Shells	2-3 x 12-15 reps / per side	On your side, bend and stack the knees, lift top knee up, slowly lower down
Quick feet with loop	2-3 x 30 seconds

  

Option to split this up into lower/upper body days if you want to add in more cardio activity

Exercise	Sets x Repetitions	Notes
DB (medium) front raise to side raise	2-3 x 30 seconds	With dumbbells in each hand, arms raise to the side, arms raise forward, press your shoulders down
DB (light) small circles	2-3 x 30 seconds	Shoulders down, slight bend in knees, palms forward, keeping arms straight, make small circles forward, and small circles back (15 seconds/15 seconds)
Pushups (wall or knees to modify)	2-3 x 12-15 reps	Keep core engaged, do not let hips “sink” down
Transverse twist (sumo punch)	2-3 x 30 seconds	Light dumbbells in each hand, set up with feet wide in “sumo squat” position, keeping arm in line with shoulder, jab across your chest (palm down), allow the knees to move with you, so your back knee will “drop” when you punch
Forearm plank	2-3 x 30 seconds	On the floor, elbows directly beneath the shoulders, keeping the hips in line with the shoulders, prop yourself up, lifting the knees, and hold
Medium dumbbell reach/pull with march	2-3 x 30 seconds	“Crunch” start with arms up, pull arms down as you drive one knee up toward your chest, reach up as you lower your knee, and repeat)

-->

A little more ... PLEASE!

A little more ... PLEASE!

So this is to be the way of it then. Lead Trainer is hell bent on killing me with polite kindness, interesting.

Much has happened since I last babbled into the blog. My weight has been deemed by a medical professional as approaching "beached whale" and for fun the good doctor has decided to have bloodwork done to check for diabetes.

A clear warning shot.

Perhaps a touch of self-discipline is in order?! You'll watch my epic "Battle with the Donut" on this blog.

So where was I? Oh yeah, I was greeted this morning with a text from IronMan (who's dangerously close to being named IronMOM) that read, "Missed u this morning." causing me to fire off a selfie with Lead Trainer proving I was at her 7AM spin class.

Lead Trainer kicks off the class with stretches and breathing before getting to it. This simple activity spikes my heart-rate since my balance is almost as sucky as my rhythm. There are [counts on fingers] six of us plus Lead Trainer, and since this is my first dance with this crowd I have no idea if this is normal or not.

A little more ... PLEASE!

LT (I grow weary of typing Lead Trainer) is babbling about some hill we're climbing and it's long, so long, I'm not gonna make it ... I wish I had brought water. I wish I was blood 'doping' so that I could just spin effortlessly while silently mocking my classmates "struggling." Like the immortal W.C. Fields said, "If you can't win ... cheat." #deepWisdom

What's at the top of the hill???!!!!

LT is doing a one armed handstand on her bike saddle while asking this question or I'm starting to hallucinate from lack of water ... she stares expectantly at her class before pointing at some sweaty dude for the answer.

What's at the top of the hill???!!!!

DONUTS!

Donuts?  I would have gone with water.

PUPPIES!

LT has informed us that it's National Puppy Day, so they're waiting for us at the top of this hill with donuts. It's getting weird.

Are you having fun? Say yes!

Yes

And, oddly, I am having fun. LT is droning on about something as I begin to experience what some might call, "the onset of death" and I begin to peddle frantically towards the light. There are puppies here and they're made of donuts, as I scoop up a Labrador chocolate donut puppy and prepare to take my first, oh-so-deserved nibble my fugue state is broken by

Let's do some bounces!!!

Everyone is keeping up with it but me, you're suppose to stand up and sit down as fast as LT says to (Are you having fun? Say yes!) and peddle. It probably looked like this from LT's point of view.

My next steps are to do this again on Monday because I'm stupid that way, also I'll be getting my first routine that day.

OH! Did I say that out loud? 

Paint It Black (Goals)

Lead Trainer is eyeing me skeptically, "Answer truthfully, if I create this workout routine for you, you'll actually do it? Right?!"

The question was the result of me injecting all sorts of negativity into our goal setting meeting sparked by her innocuous question of, "What do you like?"

"I like the cardio machines though I hate the fan bike."

The Rolling Stones Paint It Black begins playing in my head.

I see an elliptical and I want to paint it black...

Realizing I'd gone too far with the negativity I lean forward, "Look, you don't know me but I'm told I'm an 'acquired taste.' I just hate slogging through twenty minutes on a machine."

Iron Man strolls by the open door and says, "Just did fifty minutes on the elliptical!"

I see a treadmill and I want to paint it black...

Lead Trainer eyes me frankly, "You don't have to be on the machines, I can devise a routine that will get your caloric burn up the same as thirty on a machine in much less time."

I'm stunned and allow a trickle of hope to enter this exercise gulag I've checked myself into. It feels like a chore and I (if I'm to succeed) need it to feel like something I want to do. I had it once and lost it and I'm at a loss on getting it back.

I've always been intimidated by Lead Trainer and as I'm getting to know her I'm starting to get a feel for the kind of person I'm dealing with. Your initial impression is she's incredibly bubbly, always "up beat" and there's an element of truth in that assessment but this is also a woman who's tried running her own business and is managing the corporate exercise "show" coming up with group exercise times, things to keep whiners like me in line, dealing with "people" (I shudder).

In short, she's incredibly driven and you can get glimpses of the steel underneath that bubbly if you look or (I'm guessing) irritate her.

I make a mental note, "Lead Trainer doesn't 'speak' negativity. It's not part of her vocabulary,"

Next Monday I'll be introduced to my first routine. I'm curious about it and what she'll come up with, I'm also told if I want to stay sane I'll need to get another one six weeks from then, or so.

Maybe I'll try a spin class this Friday ... while I'm waiting for the whip to come down.

GrubHub Delivers Taco Bell!!!

This information, "GrubHub delivers TacoBell ... for free!" flows directly into my id, effortlessly past my finely honed defenses. Corporate marketing departments don't mess around, the bastards.

I ponder my options as I pluck another Ho-Ho from the bowl. I probably will have to download the GrubHub app now, TacoBell having driven me to my knees.

Steak Rattlesnake Fries?! With nacho cheese sauce AND creamy jalapeño sauce? And Rattlesnake???!

I've never had rattlesnake and ... oh ... it's TacoBell's version of "steak," so snake is probably a nearer truth than one might care to admit, and still my body craves it.

I've been cramming Ho-Ho's and scotch into my body in an attempt to appease it, for today I stumbled across some device that I might even hate more than an elliptical:

The front wheel is actually a fan and the harder you go the more it resists you. Toss on some wings and real wheels and I'm on a nineteenth century flying machine.

After adjusting it and circling it to waste even more time I mount it, crank in twenty mins and pedal, move my arms and the wind from the fan rushes into my face, forcing my mouth open, giving me instant cotton mouth.

artist's rendering 

Sweating, flopping, flailing, dealing with the tradeoff of using more arm to ease the legs or more legs to ease the arms, every time I standup the bike smacks me in the knee for it, wheezing like a locomotive I'm beginning to think that

I don't look dignified at all!!!

How long have I been enduring this nightmare?! Three minutes, super. My mind drifts off to the Australian Outback and these murder mystery books set in that hell hole - I bet even The Lost Man wasn't as thirsty as I am with this endless wind. 

I take solace knowing how sad Lead Trainer and others will be when they find my dead, desiccated ass glued to this "device" - "Oh no!" they'll say, "we should never have left Bill alone with ... anything!"

Too late, but if I'm desiccated then I'm thinner! Still, your loss bitches.

I really should start bringing in a water bottle, but as I glance around I fall into further despair, there is no place for a water batter bottle on Satan's Cycle. Just shut up and keep pumping that wind into your face.

I stumble in the outback and fall ... I can't get up ... I'll die if I don't get up ...

Oh! My twenty minutes are up! I hop off the device and immediately, my whole body starts screaming,

WHAT THE HOLY $$#&!!* WAS THAT?!!! DO YOU WANT TO DIE?

DO YOU?!

ENJOY YOUR LATE NIGHT CRAMPS YOU $$#&!!*

On and on and no amount of scotch or Ho-Ho's seem to be settling it down.

I'd make a great, drunken diabetic, you know until the money ran out but then again we all would make great "hot messes" until the money ran out. Just ask Lindsay Lohan.

That should be on my tombstone,

The money ran out...

Having lost 75% of my frontal lobes through oxygen deprivation I stroll into Lead Trainers office...

Tell me more about this 'love and attention...' 

That happens Wednesday, idiot that I am.